I've always been alone
by Danise Nowak
Summary: I always used to think why I was alive. But that was until that bastard showed me who I really was. Dammit, he always saw more in me than I deserve.
1. Chapter 1

**So this is my first story. It's pretty sad taking in account why I was inspired to write it in the first place. If I have any grammatical, spelling or vocabulary mistake, I apologize. English is not my mother tongue, but I prefer to write in foreign languages. Even so, please tell me these mistakes for future references.**

**Hope you enjoy.**

**_Danise Nowak_**

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**Ch. 1 "Just kicking a ball"**

The ball flied through the field with the perfect amount of force and speed, landing at the feet of the football player that was of my team. I stopped, waiting for him to shoot with all his force to the goal. And when he did it and the ball entered the goal perfectly, I let out the breath I was holding. There was a loud whistle from the referee stating the end of the game. All the members of the team ran, smashing the poor guy that made the last goal. They were laughing and screaming the achieved victory.

I just watched.

I was never one of those guys that liked to hug or be hugged. I preferred having my personal space, which was marked perfectly so others could see. That's why no one approached me at the end of the game. Well, that and the fact that I wasn't the one who scored.

I sighed and started walking through the field until I reached the benches where the coach was. He put one of his big hands in my shoulder and squeezed it. I looked at him without saying a thing.

"You could have scored Lovino."

"I know"

"And why didn't you?"

I looked over my shoulder and saw all my team members. The guy who scored was laughing with his eyes sparkled with happiness. He was a new member of the team and because of that he hadn't expected to play in the first game after he entered. So when the coach called him he was extremely nervous and I had seen it. When I gave him the ball I was expecting him to at least try to score because for achieving a place in the team you had to do something amazing. It was either that or remain in the shadows for eternity.

"I didn't want to." I replied shoving the hand of the coach off my shoulder.

He just smiled that stupid smile he always gave me. I ignored him and continued walking. The game took place in the school grounds so I could take a shower before going home. As I expected the showers were empty, the others were still celebrating outside and wouldn't come until fifteen minutes later. I had only fifteen minutes to shower and change.

"Dammit" I murmured when the cold water of the shower touched my skin. "Stupid water" But I liked the cold feeling after an exhausting game. It was refreshing. I looked at my arms and I felt guilty again. Two tiny cuts adorned my left wrist. They were barely healed and the skin was still red around the wounds. I had made them in a moment of desperation. And since that moment guilt has been chasing me. And I was scared. I was scared of the feeling I had when I sliced my wrist.

I turned off the shower and got dressed. When I was preparing my things to leave the showers started to get full of sweaty football players.

"Oh Vargas is leaving" one of them said in a malicious tone. Marcus if I remembered well the name.

"No time to celebrate Vargas?"

"Why would I celebrate with you?" I said looking to the one who talked. It was the same group that always seems to have fun molesting me.

"Always too cocky Vargas" Marcus said taking one step towards me. I didn't move. I had learnt that those bastards were worse if I attempted to resist.

He took another step and placed one hand in my shoulder. I trembled involuntarily.

"Let go bastard" I murmured but Marcus only smiled while holding tighter.

"Aren't we your teammates Lovino? Or are we not enough to be with the all mighty super football player Lovino Vargas?" The friends of Marcus laughed at his words. I could feel all the hatred glares they were giving me.

"You are just jealous because you losers can't even score when there are no defenses."

Immediately I regretted my words. Me and my stupid mouth. Every time I was cornered I tended to open my mouth to say nothing but nonsense. And my words were the ones that usually brought me trouble.

"What?" said infuriated Marcus.

Well if I had already started this game why not ending it?

"What I said asshole" I said with a cocky smile.

"You bastard…."

"Guys, shouldn't we celebrate?"

The voice interrupted the wrath from Marcus causing him to turn around. It was the same guy to whom I passed the ball for the final goal. He was smiling innocently with his arms wrapped and a smile in his lips. His blue eyes were looking directly to Marcus.

"Yeah we should"

Marcus dropped me slowly and turned to the new guy.

"You are right Alfred."

They retired to the showers cursing me under their breath. Alfred stayed in the same spot.

"Hey bro, thanks for the pass in the game."

I frowned. That boy was an idiot and his voice was full of a sick cheerful tone that I disliked immediately.

"Whatever" I said passing him.

"Hey seriously man, thanks."

"Shut up"

The last thing I heard from him before closing the door was a low chuckle. I cursed him again while walking in the sidewalk. My house was a little bit far from the school so I had to take a bus and walk another two blocks to arrive, but the trip was always relaxing. A moment where I could think all by myself, without distractions or annoying people. A moment where I could think about how I was a disgrace.

I was sitting in the back of the bus, watching the houses, the lamps and the lights pass. _The all mighty super football player. _The words of Marcus were still dancing in my head. I never intended to be seen like that. I just wanted to play for the little time I had. I just wanted to enjoy while I could.

The bus stopped and I got off quickly. The sky was completely dark by now. It was late and he was not going to be happy. Even so, I didn't speed up while walking. I was enjoying the last drops of peace before arriving to the door of my house.

Seconds after I opened the door I was engulfed by the arms of my little brother Feliciano. He was only one year younger than me but acted like an eight years old kid. Such a spoiled child he was. But he was my _fratello_.

"Lovino" said Feliciano without taking his arms off me. Feliciano was one of those persons who didn't knew about personal space. He was always hugging people. Always. We were opposing poles.

"Feliciano get off" I said pushing him. He pouted and took my hand.

"But _fratello_ I didn't saw you today at school." Feliciano started to walk to the kitchen without releasing my hand, so I had to follow him there. "I made you dinner. Your favorite pasta. How was the game? Did you win? Did you score?"

Feliciano kept talking while I took one fork and started eating the spaghetti he prepared. It was delicious, like everything Feliciano cooked. That's what I thought but I had stopped tasting food since long time ago. I barely remember the flavor of the pasta my mother cooked, or the _Risotti _of my dad. I remember the taste of Feliciano cuisine but the food that was now in my mouth was like ash.

"¿Lovino?"

The voice of my brother took me out of my thoughts. He was looking at me with worried eyes, probably asking himself if he has done something wrong.

"Sorry Feli, I'm tired. We won."

Feliciano nodded and opened his mouth to start talking again, but another deep voice interrupted him.

"Don't ignore you brother Lovino"

The words were said in a harsh way making me frown. Grandpa was standing by the door looking at him with angry eyes.

"I wasn't ignoring him dammit" I told him.

"That's not what I saw." Said his grandfather approaching the chair in which Feliciano was sitting. "Why did you arrive so late?"

"Lovino had a game, nonno. He won!" Feliciano clapped with enthusiasm but grandpa frowned while looking at me.

"You are still playing silly games? I have told you to stop. You're wasting your time."

Those were the words he always said when someone mentioned me playing football. He despised the idea of me playing. He said I was no good so I should focus in more important things.

"At least you scored?"

"No, I didn't"

"See, why continuing with something in which you are not good?"

"Shut up!" I told him standing in a violent way. "I do it because I want it old man."

"Don't talk to me li…."

"Fuck it. I don't care. I'm going to sleep."

"Lovino!" He screamed but I ignored him and ran from the kitchen. I climbed the stairs two by two and closed my door. Once inside I remembered the food Feliciano made for me. I hadn't finished eating. Well, I was not enjoying it so it doesn't really matter that I left it there. Feliciano would eat it.

I let myself fall in the bed and covered my face with my hands.

Why? Why am I alive?


	2. Chapter 2

**So here it is the next part. I really appreciate all the reviews. I take them into account. Soon Antonio will appear. Please do not despair. Hope you like it. **

**_Danise Nowak_**

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_Ch.2 Simple coincidences_

Turn around. Run. Change of speed. Wait. Two at left. Dodge one at right. Spin. Get close to the goal. Remember to breathe calmly. Inhale, exhale. Look him in the eyes. Shoot. Again.

I repeated those words in my mind while the ball rolled between my feet. The field in which I was disappearing completely and before my eyes there was a field full of faceless rivals. Each one trying to keep the ball for themselves and to keep me from shooting. I could hear the soft flute and the messy electric guitar chords that the headphones in my ears emitted. My game rhythm matching each note and chord in the melody, almost as if I was dancing instead of playing.

I've always loved to practice like this. The music encouraged me to give my best without falling to desperation. Yeah, when I was a little brat I used to make tantrums every time something went wrong, that included football. My father was the only one I allowed to get near when that happened. He taught me all the things I know of football. Everything.

I stopped abruptly when I caught myself thinking of him. The ball rolled in the grass without me caring. I removed the headphones from my ears and sighed. I couldn't afford to get distracted when the practice started in a few minutes. I looked up, searching for the ball. My eyes fell in the goal, a few meters away from where I was. The ball was lying beside one of the goalposts, but I didn't move from where I was.

There was a guy standing there, with one foot on the ball, watching me. His clothes were jeans, a deep blue hoodie, and a red cap resting on his head. Really casual clothes for a school day. Even so he gave me an uneasy feeling. What was he doing there? I couldn't see his face because of the distance and the damn cap that darkened his features. I didn't know him, of that I was sure.

"Hey, what the heck are you looking?" I spat angry. With him there I couldn't continue with my practice. I didn't like when someone was watching. The guy didn't answer and I moved my weight from one leg to another with my irritation increasing. I decided to ignore him. "Give me the fucking ball." I said wincing mentally for the rudeness in my voice. The guy looked at the ball one second before locking his eyes with mine. His mouth moved slowly while forming one word. No.

What. The. Hell.

"Are you fucking kidding me? Give me my ball, stupid thief!" I started to walk toward the guy. He just took the ball from the ground and started to step back. "You're going to regret it _imbecille._"

I heard the guy laugh before he started running with MY ball in his hands. I started to run after him but another voice made me stop and turn around.

"Hey Vargas, what are you doing here so early? Kicked out of your house?"

"Shut your mouth Marcus. I'm not in the mood to talk to you." I spat while turning with all the intention of following that bastard that had my ball.

The hand of Marcus caught my arm before I could start to run. His grip had enough force to hold me there in spite of my efforts to break away. I watched the last spot of blue of the guy I was chasing disappear between the school buildings. That's great. Now I didn't have my fucking ball. The only one I had. Because grandpa never bought me one, or anything that I need for football, I worked till I had enough money. And now all my work went to the trash. Adding, of course, that the stupid Marcus had chosen that precise moment to appear. What timing I must say.

"What do you want Marcus?" I asked in a harsh tone.

"Well, well. Always so aggressive. I only wanted to talk to you." He said with a cocky smile.

"Bullshit" I told. "Since when bastard?"

The hand of Marcus tightened around my arm. I had to suppress a little groan from the pain. Marcus smiled when he saw my pain. I looked around; no one was there, only Marcus and I. Shit.

"I think we have a little pending talk?"

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

The smile of Marcus faltered till it dropped. I was caught off guard when he shoved me from the neck of my shit against the goalpost. I moaned form the pain in my head when it hit the post. Fuck. Marcus was angry.

"Do you remember now silly Lovino?"

"No"

The eyes of Marcus glowed with anger. He put his arm on my neck and approached my face with a frown. Every second the force he applied to his arm in my neck increasing but I didn't said a thing. I know what he wants. He had the silly idea that I was the coach favorite. As I said silly idea, because it was obvious I wasn't. Why would I be? There were many players better than me. Well the case is that he wanted me to tell the coach he should be the one that would be promoted to a stupid club of football. Every year the coach choses one of his students for presenting some test in an important football club. I was not interested in that, but in the eyes of Marcus I was a threat.

"You have three seconds to say your answer Lovino" He threatened.

"What did you do for being so worried Marcus? Kicking the ball in the wrong direction? Proving how pathetic you are in front of the coach? Tell me."

"Come on Lovino" He said laughing. I didn't expect that reaction. Why was he laughing? "I don't have to do the things you do."

"I don't…"

"Oh right. You kiss the damn ass of every professor that crosses your way. Ah no, excuse me, that is your stupid brother, right? He is that silly boy who is always jumping around. It would be a shame if suddenly he couldn't jump, no Lovino?"

"Stay away of my brother, idiota!" I screamed trying to make him lose his grip.

"What was that Lovino? It's pretty rude to say something in other language to someone who doesn't understand. Maybe your brother do needs some punishment for having such a brother."

I started to panic. Marcus had never threatened my brother before. The only thought of Feliciano being hurt because of me made me shake, causing Marcus to smile. No, I couldn't allow it. I am the big brother, the one who is in charge of protecting Feliciano. I've always done it. Even from the anger of our parents or our grandfather's. I love the stupid smile he always has, and the silly things he always says. Not that I would admit it in front of him. Never, it was too embarrassing. The innocence my brother has is what makes him continue to see the world as something beautiful and not the dark world I see. I had to protect that.

"Okay" I murmured.

"I didn't hear you Lovino" Marcus teased me.

"I said okay bastard." I told him.

"Good boy Lovino" He said releasing me and patting my head. "Remember what is the consequence of not achieving your duty."

I nodded in surrender. Dammit.

"Good timing Lovino, the coach arrived."

He was right. The coach and the rest of the team arrived and were sitting in one of the benches that were beside the field. The coach saw us and called us with his hand. Marcus passed one arm through my shoulders and pulled me to force me to walk.

"Get off" I mumbled but Marcus ignored me.

When we arrived to where the team was, Marcus' friends and the coach eyed us like if we were two aliens. No one said anything but I guessed they were asking themselves why I was with Marcus when everyone knew that we hated each other.

"Okay" said the coach. "Let's start"

The training was exhausting. I don't remember running as much as I did today. One good thing was that Marcus maintained his distance, talking with his sheep friends. Surely asking him about our "friendly" interaction at the beginning. When we ended the coach called me.

"Lovino sit"

I did as I was told. Fighting with the coach was not a good idea. I had learned that in a bad way. The memory made me shake. God, I can still remember my legs trembling and my body shaking from the cold.

"It's about the admission to the Royal FC" the coach said sitting besides me. "I want you to go there."

"What?" I said surprised. Why me? I didn't want to. I just wanted to play while I could. Oh God, Marcus was going to be furious. I couldn't accept. "No"

"Yes Lovino. It has to be you"

"Why me? There are a lot who want and would do everything to go. There are others who are better than me!"

"No Lovino. You are the best of them all. Can't you see it?"

"I'm not the one who fucking scores!"

"Lovino in football is not always about who scores. You are aware of the other positions in the field, right?" The coach put one of his hands in my shoulder. I shook it off.

"No, I won't do it."

"Why Lovino?"

"There are others. How about Marcus? He is good. He could go."

"I won't change my decision Lovino. Like it or not I'm going to pass your name. Not Marcus or any other teammate, understood?"

I got up angry, glaring at the coach with all the hate I could. Why was he so insistent? Couldn't he see that I didn't want to?

"Even if you do that, I won't accept it!" I told him before storming as far away from him as I could. Stupid coach for being so insistent, stupid Marcus for being a fucking bastard, stupid Feliciano for being so innocent and stupid me for being so weak.

I took my things from the locker of the school, and without changing my clothes I walked out of there. I wouldn't be going home until later. All the week I had avoided arriving early. I did it for pissing off grandpa and for avoiding Feliciano. I hadn't seen him in one week, except for a few glances in the hall between classes. He had come to find me but I hid from him.

I noticed it was raining until I was so drenched that I started shaking. So, today was one of the worst days of the year. Everything passed today. It was like if they had arranged it. Fuck, now I had to go home, even if I didn't want.

When I opened the door there was no Feliciano waiting for my arrival. The lights of the kitchen were on and I could hear the deep voice of my grandpa and the cheerful one of Feliciano. I avoided going there and climbed up the stairs. After locking the door of my room I let my body to fall in the bed.

My body was sore from the football practice but my mind was working at full speed. I was not going to accept the decision of the coach. If I did, Marcus would do something to Feliciano. If I did, grandpa would only tell me it was useless, that it was unnecessary. If I did, I would only add hope to a lost cause because I was never going to be a football player. My only future was being the heir of my grandpa's company, as he wanted, as it was established since my birth.

But before losing completely my coincidence in the arms of Morpheus, I recalled the incident of my ball. That guy had taken my ball. I had to find him at all cost. But, who the hell was him?


	3. Chapter 3

**I finally ended writing it. Hope you like it. **

**_Danise Nowak_  
**

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_**Ch. 3 Innocent Game**_

"LOVINO VARGAS! Come down in this moment!"

The scream of my grandfather woke me up. I ignored the screams of the old man and got dressed quickly. God, how I hated when they woke him like that. Couldn't they wait a little for me to wake up alone? I put a pair of socks while watching my bedroom's door. In any minute the old man was going to climb up the stairs smashing his feet in every step. That's an habit I copied when I was a little kiddo.

I entered the bathroom and splashed cold water in my face. Now I could hear the angry steps of my grandfather. I needed to hurry. I wiped my face with a towel and ran to grab my school bag. Few years ago the bag was full with notebooks, school books and anything I needed for a normal student day. Now, it only had one or two, if lucky, notebooks and a few coins in the bottom.

The steps were getting closer; grandpa was in the end of the stairs. I ran to my window and opened it. When I was a kid I chose this room because I could see the entire neighborhood from my window. Years later I discovered other little details that made my room the perfect leak point. The secret? The climbing plant that had grown in one side of the house. My grandfather hadn't noticed, well maybe he do noticed it, but chose to ignored it thinking it was nothing. He was proved wrong the first time I escaped. Still, he hadn't cut down the plant. Pretty strange, but I couldn't figure out how his brain worked.

I climbed down the plant and when my feet touched the ground my room's door opened with a loud bang. Quickly I jumped the neighbor's fence and waited for the scream.

"LOVINO!"

I had to put a hand over my mouth to stop my laugh to be heard and avoid getting caught. The old man was so angry, his voice told me. Well it was not going to be so funny when I meet my grandfather after school.

"Yeah Lovino, enjoy your last day of freedom." I muttered to no one while standing up.

The road to school was pleasant and quiet. No one approached me and my scowling face. It was perfect until I remembered the coach's announcement.

_This Friday we have a friendly match against the Royal FC. Be ready kids! You are going to be watched. _

Marcus' gaze was still recorded in my mind. It contained a clear message. _Don't you dare to get in my way Lovino. You know what I can do. _Yes, Marcus' threat. It wasn't as if I was planning to make a show. I'd already told the coach I didn't want to go to that stupid club. But Marcus had the brain of a fish and was stupidly fearful. Of what, I don't know.

"Fuck" I murmured, earning some glances from the people who were near.

I started to play football because I liked it, because it was the only non-stressful thing I could enjoy. But now that sensation had disappeared. Football was causing me more problems than my fucking normal life. The original purpose had been scattered.

"I just have to stop playing"

Those words felt so strange in my lips. I had never given up when I wanted to do something and here I was thinking of doing it. Such a pathetic person I was. I shook my head, disappointed of my own thoughts. And then, in a blurry instant I was outside the school. I just had to go to all my classes and them I was going to be free, for a while, to prepare myself for the nuclear bomb that my grandfather was going to be.

"Lovino Vargas!"

I opened my eyes. That was the second fucking time in the day that someone woke me with a damn scream. What the hell with the world today?

"Wake up Vargas"

The teacher was beside my desk watching me with angry eyes. I returned the gaze with equal amount of anger.

"You shouldn't be sleeping in my class Lovino" said the teacher.

"Whatever" I muttered in a whisper but she heard. The luck was not with me today.

"I'll talk with you after the class is finished."

Great. Now I was in trouble. Me and my stupid big mouth. So, following the instructions of the teacher, when the class was over I stayed in my desk. She didn't talk immediately so I had time to prepare an excuse. I could say something about football practice and the typical, "I was really tired last night", or the, "a member of my family is sick". No. That was not going to be useful. She had a class later with Feliciano and she could ask him. I could not risk to be discovered.

"Lovino"

I looked at the teacher hiding all my nerves behind my poker face.

"What's happening Lovino? You used to be such a good boy." The teacher looked at me expecting a response but I didn't open my mouth. For what? I knew what she was going to say next. "Your brother Feliciano has asked a lot for you. Something happened? Lovino, please talk." She sighed. "Why don't you talk with me like your brother Lovino? It'd be easier."

It was pretty ironic how I always tend to protect Feliciano and ended being compared to him. Yeah, sometimes I ask myself why I do it. Feliciano was capable of surviving by himself. He could do many friends in a record time. He had excellent notes. He had the love of the old man. All the teachers loved him. Why should I help Feliciano? Because of that stupid feeling of responsibility that I had of being his older brother.

The teacher remained in silence. Maybe waiting for a response of my part, maybe trying to read my scowling face, maybe she was just tired. So, seeing she didn't have the intention to talk I decided to break that awkward silence.

"Yeah, it's a great advice. I should follow it." I said with a bitter smile in my lips. The teacher's eyes opened as she shook her head. "Many have given me this advice. I think it's a great idea. Changing someone with bad attitude for someone nice."

"No Lovino, I didn't…"

"Save your words Miss, you taught me excuses were not useful. Now, if you excuse me, I have other places to go."

I left the room, leaving the teacher with her mouth wide open and one hand extended towards me. The hand never touched me, of course. I knew that the words I said to her were harsh, but my week had been a total disaster and my patience, usually not so big, had almost disappeared. Even so, I managed to say them in a polite way.

"_Fratello_?"

I stopped immediately when I heard the voice of Feliciano in my back. I had been careless walking in the hallway like that. Of course that my little brother saw me.

"Lovino, please don't run. I just want to talk to you."

I could hear Feliciano walking slowly towards me. My whole body screamed to me to run, but I wanted to hear what Feliciano wanted to tell me.

"Why are you avoiding grandpa? Why are you avoiding me?" Feliciano always talked sweetly, but only when he was talking to me he would drop the act and use a serious tone. "We are worried Lovi. I haven't seen you in a whole week, even if we live in the same house. I don't know if you're eating, or sleeping well, or having problems. Lovi…"

"We, Feliciano?" I murmured without turning to see him. "Since when that old man is worried about me?"

"He is always worried."

"He only worries about his fucking company." I hissed. "I don't need your worry or his. I can take care of myself. I've always had."

"You talked with him again, no? That's why he was so angry this morning. What did he…?"

"Does it matter?" I said. "It's not like I you care."

"Lovino…"

"I have to go." I said cutting him off and without waiting for an answer I started to run. Yes, grandpa and I had talked. He surprised me one afternoon when I was returning from my football practice. Feliciano was in a friend's house so he didn't know of the incident.

"_Lovino, can you explain me what are these grades?" _

The old man had looked at me with a paper that had all my grades. Fuck. I didn't know how he got them. I never gave them to him. I had mastered the ability to fake his signature to avoid these types of confrontations.

"_Can you explain me why are they so low?" _

Obviously I couldn't say to him the truth. He would have exploded, so I just remained in silence. But that only had triggered his fury.

"_I let you do what you want. I let you play football and you pay me like this! What are you playing boy? I don't want a pitiful heir."_

Those words had hurt but at the same time, they gave me the strength to reply. What I didn't expect was the response from the old man. It was only one slap but it hurt like hell. Grandpa was never a man of violence so his action shocked me. I left the house that afternoon and returned almost at midnight. My revenge was breaking the sunglasses Feliciano had gifted him in his last birthday. That was the reason why he was so angry in the morning.

And I felt guilty because I broke something Feliciano had worked to buy. He wasn't even in the fight and I ended up affecting him. Such a nice brother he had. That's why I had been avoiding him, because I couldn't look at him in the eyes after what I did.

Lost in my thoughts I didn't notice how I ended up in the football field. But I was not the only one out there. Marcus and his sheep friends were also in the field and they had seen me. In less than two minutes I was surrounded by them.

"Hey Lovino, it's so good to see you"

"Save the bullshit" I said putting my hands inside my pants' pockets. The air in the afternoons was cold because of the season and I only had on one thin jacket.

"I think you know what I want to talk about"

"About tomorrow's game?"

"You're so intelligent Lovino."

Fucking Marcus and his sarcastic responses. He always did that.

"I'll stay low if that's what you want to say" I mumbled trying to shut up the feeling of hate I had for him. Just for this time I was going to obey, just for Feliciano.

"Well thanks, but I was thinking of something else." Marcus put his arm over my right shoulder and squeezed it. "I think it's better if you don't show up."

Delete my last thought.

"What!" I said looking at Marcus. "You want me to miss the game? Are you nuts?"

Marcus grabbed my shoulder with more force while smiling.

"It was not a suggestion Lovino. I think it's better for you not to show up. If you know what I mean."

"Fuck you Marcus." I told him while pushing him. Wrong move, I know. Marcus immediately responded by tackling me and we both fall down. My head hit the ground and I groaned. Marcus didn't waste time and hit my mouth with his fist. I also hit him but in the cheek and kicked him in the stomach. I got up and started to run. Fuck this; if Marcus reached me I was dead. So I ran at full speed, not even looking if he had followed. But I didn't have to; I could hear his steps and his quick breaths.

"Lovino!" He screamed.

Suddenly one hand was grabbing my shoulder. I screamed and tried to get rid of the hand, all along expecting a punch.

"Hey, calm down _¿si?_ Get in."

Not even glancing to the one that was talking I accepted the proposal and followed him inside of a classroom. In my flight I had run to the nearest school building. Now I was inside of a classroom with a stranger, sitting in the cold floor. I didn't relax. I could still hear the steps and curses of Marcus. It was only until the other guy talked that I relaxed.

"He's gone. They were after you, _amigo?_"

I nodded, putting my head between my folded legs. I took a couple of deep breaths before raising my head. I couldn't see the face of the boy that was standing in front of me because of the dark.

"Well you're lucky that I saw you." He said laughing.

"What's so funny bastard?" I muttered. I got up, my heart still pounding quickly against my chest. If the day hadn't been a shit, now it was official. Marcus was furious. He didn't want me in the game, but I couldn't miss it. Dammit! I kicked the wall angry. Stupid Marcus. He was making everything so difficult.

"Hey, hey, don't need to be so…."

"Shut up!" I told him. The boy didn't say another word while I walked in circles, trying to find a solution. How could I go to the game without being kicked in the gut by Marcus? He would wipe me off the earth if I showed up at school tomorrow. So the only solution was…"I have to skip it."

"Skip what?"

I jumped when the boy talked. I had forgotten that he was there.

"Nothing of your concern"

"You're a grumpy dude _amigo._" The boy told me while sitting on one of the desks.

"Fuck off"

I opened the door and the soft light of the hallway hit my face. I checked that no one was there and opened the door a little bit more.

"Hey, going without giving a thank you? That's mean."

The words of the guy made me stop. He was right. He had saved me after all, but I was not going to thank him. In the few minutes that I was with him he had insulted me. I turned two quarters to see him over my shoulder. What a cocky bastard.

"I didn't ask for your help" I told him.

I didn't wait anymore and stepped out of the classroom. Because of that, I didn't hear the sound of surprise that guy did when he saw me, I didn't saw his lips curving into a knowing smile and I didn't hear him saying "you". What I heard was the sound of the boy walking to the door.

"Hey, the name's An…"

I shut the door before he ended saying whatever he was saying. I just wanted to go home, lie in my bed and sleep. The day had been really tiring and I knew that arriving home wasn't going to be all flowers and rainbows. I still had to deal with the old man, maybe a crying Feliciano, and the scolding of my life. Yeah, definitely the worst day of my life.


	4. Chapter 4

**Sorry for the lateness, but at last here it is. **

**_Danise Nowak_**

* * *

**_Ch.4 An Unlucky Day_**

How I ended like this? I don't know. I somehow ended in a fucking closet. I don't want to remember why I'm in this situation. It'll just make me mad again. I'm just locked in here. In a fucking dark and humid closet, probably with rats, cockroaches and other multiple insects. But I can't stop remembering why because it all started with that stupid decision. Yeah, I had to have the great idea of skipping the damn school. I would have been easier to come and be punched by Marcus than all the things that had happened today.

First, my grandfather, that filthy old man, had the great idea of waking me up earlier than I do in a normal school day. I think he thought I would be escaping again today. But no, today I'd planned to stay in bed until mid-day. And I was awake since fucking five in the morning! Five in the morning! But that was not the worse. It was HOW he did it. He threw me a fucking bucket of cold water. That's definitely the worst way to wake up. Then I had to listen to him screaming at me for half an hour until he noticed that I was shaking in my pajama and too fucking cold to pay attention.

Next was the shower. As I was freezing I turned on only the hot water. Bad idea though, because in the instant I put my body under the water it burned my skin. I jumped, slipped and fell. Now I had a bump in the back of my head, where I hit with the wall. My head hurt all the day because of that stupid accident.

After that, it was the breakfast. It was all okay, until Feliciano noticed the broken glasses in the kitchen table. The old man, not satisfied with waking me up and causing my stupid accident, told my _fratello_ why they were like that. Feliciano looked at me with big eyes full of surprise and hurt and started to cry like a fucking baby. And he cried and cried and cried until we arrived to the bus stop. I couldn't stand it for more time so I ran far away from there, leaving my crying brother in the stop.

Afterwards I went to a library, not for reading of course. I wanted to sleep since I couldn't because of my grandfather. So I went to the farthest corner in the library and sat in one puffy armchair and fell asleep. The next thing I remember is one girl shaking my shoulder to wake me up. She was nice with me considering that I was sleeping and had no book near me as an excuse. She just laughed and told me that a lot of people did the same. The library was nice, comfortable and quiet. It was a good place to return in another occasion.

Okay, I accept it. Not everything in this day went wrong. The library was okay, but only the library because then I came to the school. After all, classes had ended and no one would be in the hallway because of the game. Well, I was wrong.

Marcus and his friends were waiting for me in front of my locker, where my football things were. They saw me and I tried to run but they've surrounded me already. Next thing I knew, I was inside of this fucking closet unable to go out.

Wonderful, isn´t it?

I'd banged and kicked the closet door with no results. I'd screamed and apparently no one heard. So I was stuck in here. Right now, I'd given up. Funny that I was doing that a lot lately. I was sitting in the dirty floor, watching the little light that passed under the door and trying to guess the reaction of the coach. Well one good thing was that he wouldn't have any doubt that my words about his request were real.

_He's going to be disappointed. _

I shook my head trying to erase the thought. I didn't care if the coach was disappointed or not. Why would I? He had twelve other players to use in the game. I was not needed.

_But dammit! I wanted to go! _

I kicked the door frustrated. I felt so helpless.

"Hey, someone there?"

The voice made me stand up in a second.

"Yes!"

"Why…?"

"Open the damn door!"

The door opened seconds after and I looked at the face of my savior. He was the janitor, a surprised janitor in fact. God bless the janitors.

"I guess I should say thanks." I murmured not being sure if he heard.

"Yeah"

I didn't wait for another minute and started running to my locker to get my football things. I changed my clothes and then ran to the football field. I think I ran like never in my life. When I got near the field, I could hear the screams, the whistle of the referee and the angry voice of the coach.

I approached the benches where my teammates and the coach were. My heart was beating quickly knowing that the coach was going to be mad. The firsts ones to see me were my teammates. Their eyes went from hopeless to shiny in an instant. Then the coach turned. When our eyes met I swear I saw how he sighed with relief. What the hell. Was the game so bad? I turned to see the score and my eyes opened. 3-0. We were losing, and the first half was not over yet!

"What the…?"

"Lovino! Where were you?" The coach said with an angry tone, even though the expression in this face was of relief. "Warm up in this instant and get ready lazy boy!"

I nodded and did as I was told.

"Lovino to the field!" The coach screamed after a loud whistle form the referee indicating the change.

I nodded again and ran to the field. I was received with the furious gaze of Marcus. I could guess he wanted to kill me in that instant but didn't because he would have witnesses. I approached him slowly preparing my words.

"Marcus, let's just try to win the game. I swear I'll pass everything to you. I won't do a thing." I murmured.

"Fuck off Vargas. I don't need your help."

As he passed me his shoulder hit mine making me take a step back. No one seem to notice this little exchange. I sighed, knowing that after the game I was dead meat. The referee whistle sounded again and the game continued.

Okay, I must admit that these guys from FC Royal were good. They weren't like our team, a group of disorganized and egoist players, but a real team that supported each other in a really organized way. I could see why we were losing. But no way in hell I'll allow this team to lose with such a great difference. After all my own pride was at stake.

Stealing the ball from the other team was easy, now the difficult part would be reaching the goal. Marcus ran besides me, another one of my team ran to my left. I was about to pass the ball to that guy who was nearer the goal when Marcus pushed me and stole the ball from my feet.

"What are you doing Marcus?" I screamed but he ignored me and shot. Obviously the goalkeeper stopped the ball. I wanted so much to punch Marcus in the face but after some deep breaths I The next ten minutes were the most stressful, difficult and frustrating of my life. I know it's really easy to make me angry but right now I was three levels over my normal anger. And I was not the only one. I could see the coach frustration and hear it. His screams could be heard from my house. The other teammates also glared at Marcus now and then. And Marcus only smirked. The last ten minutes he had been keeping the ball from reaching me with all his might. He pushed me, ignored me, and stole the ball from me. We couldn't even score one point because of that!

The whistle that indicated the end of the first half sounded. In the moment I heard it I walked directly towards Marcus. Fuck the rules, I was pissed.

"Marcus!" I screamed.

He ignored me and walked to our goal. I followed him. It was until we reached the first pole that he turned with a smirk in his lips. That made me uneasy. Why was he smiling? He was fucking sick.

"Vargas, I told you not to come. Why are you here?"

"I told you I wouldn't scum" I said.

Immediately he grabbed the neck of my shirt and pulled until our faces were close enough for him.

"Don't you care about your brother? The poor little guy is so weak."

It was my turn to grab his shirt.

"You touch one single hair of Feliciano and …."

Before I could finish the coach was between us. One hand in the chest of each one and with a dangerous frown in his face; it was almost as if a bear was growling. He was really strong, because he easily pushed us apart.

"He started" Marcus said.

"Silence Marcus because we all know who is the one who started it." The coach said surprising us. "You're expelled from the team Marcus."

Even I was surprised with the words of the coach. Expelled? I've never heard of someone that was expelled from the team. Well, of course, not everyone was Marcus. Wait, if Marcus was expelled because of this, then my life in school was going to be ten times worse.

"No"

The coach and Marcus turned to see me when I talked. Fuck, I was doing this for myself, not to save the sorry ass of Marcus.

"It was not a question, Vargas"

"Don't do it. Marcus is a necessary player in the team."

"Do you want to follow him Vargas?"

What? Of course not, but I had no option. Stupid coach.

"Don't expel him" I repeated.

"Fine, consider this the last game for you two. I'll not tolerate aggressive and egoistic behavior in my team."

He released us and walked to the benches. Expelled. I was expelled. My only dream crushed with a few words. I realized that even when I tried not to, I still had hope but now it was all gone. I looked to the sky when the familiar numb feeling started to fill me. Great. Feliciano had to fucking start practicing a martial art because it was the last time I was doing something for him. And the last time I'd get involved with something I liked. After all, it always ended in a disaster. Always.

I turned, showing my back to Marcus, and waited. I didn't care if he hit or punched me. I didn't care, but Marcus didn't move. I guess he was too shocked with the news to do it. So I started to walk to the benches and sat down in the grass next to them.

Why did I even bother to come? I could have stayed in that dirty closet until the end of the game. I sat there until the second half was about to begin.

"Vargas to the field." The coach ordered with a cold voice. I stood up and walked to the field. Marcus was not called. I guess the coach was still angry because of his behavior in the first half.

One last game. I could consider it like the last time I would have freedom. When the old man listens that I was expelled from the team, in that moment, I will be officially dead. It would be the final blow to his patience.

The rest of the game was like if I was in autopilot. I ran, I kicked the ball and I played against the other team but I was not there. We lost. Even so, FC Royal was not able to score another point. Should I celebrate? No. I was not part of the team anymore. So when the whistle of the end of the game sounded I stared to the sky feeling numb. Unconsciously I walked to the back of the bleachers where no one could see me. I wanted to be alone and sulk alone.

I received the punch when I last expected. It was directed to my eye and it hurt like hell.

"Thought you were saved Vargas? You reached the limit and you are going to pay for it."

I only smiled bitterly, waiting for the next blow. Marcus grabbed me from the neck of my shirt and bended down to face me.

"You're so disgusting, Lovino Vargas" Marcus said in my ear. The next blow was in my stomach. "You can't even defend yourself, how can you defend your brother? Pathetic." Another punch in the stomach. "Maybe that's why your…."

I wanted so much to hear the next words of Marcus but he was interrupted.

"Hey stop!"

Someone grabbed me and pulled me away of Marcus. I guess he wasn't alone because Marcus chose to run instead of ignoring the order. I sighed frustrated. I couldn't hear what Marcus wanted to say.

"Hey, you okay _amigo_?"

No, please tell me it's not…

"Do you remember me? I saved you the other day!"

That happy tone and the use of strange words. It was the guy that pulled me into a classroom yesterday.

"_Oye…"_

"Shut up" I muttered as I lied down in the grass with closed eyes. Now that I was lying in the grass I could feel the effect of Marcus' punches. My stomach hurt like hell. I started to cough. Even so, I knew it was nothing serious or I'd be coughing blood.

"We need to check those wounds Lovino. ¿_Te duelen mucho_?"

How did he know my name? I tried to ask that but I only could spit a weak "What?"

He laughed.

"_Lo siento._ I tend to speak in Spanish when I'm nervous. Do the wounds hurt?"

"Why would you be nervous? You're not the one injured. Strange bastard."

"Come on Lovi! You're injured, that's reason enough ."

"Don't call me like that! Why do you know my name? Why are you here? Why the hell do you care?"

"Well after all you're the new integrant of my team. I'm happy!" he chuckled.

What? I opened my eyes. Two shiny green orbs were above my face watching me carefully. I jumped, scared by the short distance between me and the strange boy. By a miracle I didn't hit his nose.

"What are you talking about? I'm not in anyone's team."

"Of course you're!"

"Enlighten me, oh marvelous genius, to what team I supposedly belong?"

The two green emeralds looked at me in a funny way.

"To the best team _por supuesto_, FC Royal."

What?


	5. Chapter 5

**Here we go. I hope you like it. **

**_Danise Nowak_  
**

* * *

**_Ch. 5 Bad luck?_**

Okay, I've fucked it up. I knew it. Punching the guy that had saved you in the cheek and running away from him was a stupid thing to do. But I did it. And now, I couldn't stop running. I didn't stop until I was a million blocks away.

I had arrived to a little park near the school, with no one at sight right now, that had two swings and a slide. I walked to the swings and sat in one. What I had done was extremely stupid, but I couldn't stop myself from reacting like that. It was all so confusing. Why would that boy Antonio say that? I've just been expulsed from my football team. Why would another team, one as famous as the FC Royal, wanted him if he was just a problem kid?

That bastard, Antonio, was just joking. That must be the reason why I had reacted like that. I wasn't in the mood to be molested by a guy I didn't know. It was a sick joke and I didn't tolerate those types of jokes.

I looked at the sky sighing. Dark clouds could be seen against the soft dark blue of the sky. I couldn't see any star because of them. It was going to rain, but I didn't want to move from here. I just wished to remain in this swing for the rest of my life. If I did, I wouldn't have to face the fact that I was expulsed from my team, that Marcus was going to wipe me off the next time he sees me, and that the old man was going to be furious when he finds out from my expulsion.

Why couldn't the world be simpler?

It was as if someone had the sick obsession of seeing me suffer. Since that day, the one that is actually the worst of my life, I've been living in a never ending hell. And I couldn't finish my suffering because I was a fucking coward. The only time I had tried, I failed. I just kept staring the razor blade, only managing to do two fucking lines. I couldn't do more.

After that I realized that I was condemned to remain in this world. I had no scape. I was trapped.

I started laughing. Recently my thoughts had become really dangerous. They were so dark that I couldn't breathe.

The rain started to fall soaking me to the bones. The feeling of the rain in my face let me breathe in peace. For a moment I could forget everything and just concentrate in feeling the cold drops. I lay on the ground, not caring that I was going to catch a terrible flu. The cold drops of the rain fell in my face with some kind of rhythm. One, two, three. Up, down, left. My eyes started to close and I lost the count of time.

I remained in the ground until it stopped raining. Only then I stood up and started to walk towards my home. When I opened the door I heard a bunch of steps from upstairs. Minutes later I saw my brother running down the stairs with the old man behind.

"Lovino! Where were you? We were so worried."

The massive hug from my brother made it impossible for me to answer immediately. I pushed him away from me when I could. I was completely soaked and I didn't want my _fratello_ to get sick.

"Why worrying?"

"It's almost one o´clock." The old man said looking at me.

I opened my eyes and turned to see the old clock that was in the wall of the reception hall. Fuck, he was right. I didn't remember being in the rain so much.

"You should take a shower."

"He's right _fratello, _you're shaking."

I raised my trembling hands, amused of their movement.

"Yeah, I should."

"_Fratello?"_

"I'm going to take a shower."

I could feel the eyes of my brother and the old man following me as I climbed up the stairs. They seem like if they were worried. In fact, I was worried too. This day had gone so bad and I couldn't do anything to avoid it. I'd only fucked it up.

When I entered the shower I remembered to turn on the cold water first and then slowly adjust it to a warm temperature. I was not going to make the same mistake from this morning. Well, in fact, due to the actual hour, from yesterday. But instead of taking a normal shower, I sat down in the floor and let the water fall over my head. My eyes stung and I realized I was crying. I couldn't see the tears because they were mixed up with the water of the shower, but it was better like that. I hated to cry because that only meant that I was weak; that I had no control over me. I contained the sobs and closed my eyes to stop it. Why was I crying? Fuck. Too much free time was going to kill me.

I ended the shower quickly and I proceeded to my bed. But my bed was occupied by my brother, who was sitting in the middle with a frown in his face.

"Lovino"

Shit. Feliciano never used my complete name, only when he was being serious or he was angry with me.

"Y..yes?"

Damn my stuttering.

"I'm worried _fratello. _You haven't been acting like yourself. Is grandpa being too hard?"?"

"It's nothing Feli. I'm just tired."

Feliciano didn't say anything but I could see he was not happy with my answer. He didn't believe me.

"Can I sleep with you?"

"Only today." I sighed knowing that Feliciano would have stayed even if I've said no.

That's how I ended in a bed with the warmth of my brother's body pressed to me and a long forgotten feeling on my chest. Holding on to that warm feeling, I closed my eyes while I tried to forget all the things that had happened during the day.

I woke up when I felt Feliciano moving at my side. When I opened my eyes a groan slip from my lips and I shut them immediately. The fucking light was so bright. My head started to pound but I ignored it and sat in the bed. Bad decision, because my whole body started to ache. Of course, Marcus had hit me pretty hard after all. I tightened my lips to avoid a moan that was in the tip of my tongue. Feliciano smiled and copied my actions, thankfully oblivious to my pain. It was until we heard the shout of the old man that we moved from bed and started to get ready. When I got on my feet the whole world started to spin and my sight blurred. I grabbed the border of the bed and blinked several times until my vision was better.

"Are you okay _fratello_?"

"Yeah, I got up too quickly." I murmured. Feliciano nodded and quitted my room to change in his own.

I remained beside my bed for a moment, taking deep breaths and shaking my head. Then, I grabbed some clothes, changed and went down the stairs. Feliciano and I ate in silence under grandpa's eyes. I'd decided not to tell the old man about the little situation from yesterday. I would tell him when I was ready. When it was going to be? I don't know. Maybe the next year. Yeah, that sounded fantastic.

We left the house and walked to the bus stop. Today I wouldn't leave a crying Feliciano. In fact, he was extremely happy for some reason. When we sat in the back of the bus I looked at my brother and started to hate the stupid smile that was on his lips.

"Why are you so damn happy Feliciano? It's irritating."

My brother's smile increased when he turned to look at me.

"It's just that today I'm going out with my friends and I can't wait."

"With the Japanese one?"

"Yeah. Some others might come."

"Others?"

"_Sí fratello. _Others that Kiku invited." Feliciano giggled, his smile never leaving.

"Ah"

I remained in silence the rest of the trip. I could tolerate a normal Feliciano, but this Feliciano, one who was extremely happy, was impossible for me. When we arrived, Feliciano ran to the school building screaming his goodbye. I shook my head and walked to the building slowly.

When I arrived to my locker I regretted coming to school. I've noticed the glances and eyes from every student that I passed. They started to murmur when I passed and some other, less shy, even pointed at me. I suppose that my fight with Marcus was in the mouth of everyone. I was officially doomed.

What I thanked was that no one approached me. They only talked and left me in peace. That was acceptable. During my first two classes everything went as normally it would. In the third one, my headache started to get worse. I rested my chin in my arms, which were resting in the desk, and continued to watch the blackboard. The voice of the professor drifted away and the pounding of my heart was all I could hear. That told me how near I was from fainting.

Swallowing, I weakly raised my hand.

"Yes, Vargas?"

"Can I go to the infirmary?"

"Why?" The professor said while raising one eyebrow.

Why? What kind of question was that? Was it so strange for a student to feel like shit? Or did he think I was lying? Stupid professor. I had never lied to him, or caused him a single problem. Why was he so suspicious?

"Not feeling well" I said quietly, not managing to raise the volume of my voice. The pounding of my head increasing considerably.

"The class ends in 10 minutes. I think you can manage Vargas"

"I can't"

"Well, I can't stop giving my class. Next time you feel sick, don't enter."

Fuck the respect towards the teachers. I got up and quickly grabbed my things.

"What do you think you're doing Vargas?"

I didn't answer. I just finished grabbing my things and walked to the door.

"Vargas if you go out, I promise you'll have huge problems."

"I fucking know it" I mumbled as I went out.

I walked through the hall as quickly as I could. The headache, now accompanied by nausea, and a trembling and hurt body was not a good combination for speed.

_I can do it. Two more doors. Two more doors._

I grabbed the knob of the door that had in golden letters "INFIRMARY" and twist it. White light from a lamp in the ceiling filled the room. To the left there was a large black desk and to the right there was a bed, like the ones hospitals had. A young woman turned to look at me when the door opened.

"I'm not feeling well."

I saw her mouth moving but I couldn't hear the words. My vision started to darken. My grip on the door knob tightened; it was the only thing that kept me standing. She approached worried and when she was in front of me I closed my eyes and lost conscience.

The next time I opened my eyes I was in the bed of the infirmary. The woman was beside me sitting in a chair. She turned to me with a soft smile when I moved. My head still hurt a little, but nothing compared to before.

"You got me worried kid." She said standing up. "Don't do that again. Seriously." Her words were kind although she had the intention of scolding me. "Now that you're awake I shall say to you that you have a pretty high fever. It was worse before but it's still high right now. You were lucky for arriving here in time kid."

I sat slowly in the bed and looked at the woman as she walked through the infirmary. When she returned to my side, she had one bottle in her hands. She opened it and took out a small recipient from her coat's pocket. I watched as she poured a transparent liquid from the bottle in the recipient and offered it to me.

"What's that?"

"It'll help to low the fever."

I looked at the strange liquid.

"Does it taste bad?"

"I don't promise anything like an ice-cream but not as awful as black pepper."

"That's so fucking reassuring"

"Language kid." She said taking my hand and putting the recipient in there.

I rolled my eyes and raised the medicine to my mouth. It tasted horribly bitter. I coughed and returned the recipient to the woman.

"Liar" I muttered.

She laughed and walked away to her desk.

"What's your name kid? Or do you want me to keep calling you like that?"

"Lovino Vargas."

"You're Italian?"

"Yes."

"Such a lucky guy you are."

I didn't say anything.

"You can go when you start to feel better. I recommend you to buy something for the fever in case it gets worse. And rest. Take a long nap and you'll be a newborn again."

I nodded. It took twenty minutes to finally leave the infirmary. The doctor, yeah she was a fucking doctor and showed me the title to prove it, kept talking to me as if she knew me for all her life. In the end she told me to come to see her whenever I could. As if.

I walked through the hall in the direction of my next class; I'd missed lunch time with the little passing out thing. Suddenly someone placed a hand in my shoulder. I spun quickly, having the horrible feeling that Marcus was the one behind me, but I only faced the stupid smile of Antonio.

"Lovino! It's good to see you!"

I stared at him dumbly without saying a thing. He had a dark bruise in the inferior part of his left cheek, pretty close to the chin. That was the spot I hit. I didn't understand. Why would he talk to me so happily after that? Was he stupid? No, stupid was not the word. He was dumb, a dumbass.

"Lovino? You okay _amigo_? You look pale."

"What do you want?"

Antonio smiled again. Didn't his lips hurt from doing that?

"Ah, _es porque _the coach from your former team wants to see you and he sent me to look at you. _Soy su mensajero." _

Former team. He said it so easily as if it was nothing. Bastard.

"Why would I go to see him?"

"Ah, don't be like that Lovi! It's important."

"Don't call me like that!"

Only Feliciano called me with that ridiculous nick name. I only allowed him to do it. A fucking bastard that didn't know me wouldn't be calling me like that.

"_Vamos _Lovi. I'll escort you."

My eyes twitched when he ignored me and called me like that again but I was quickly distracted with the fact that he took my hand and started to pull me. I looked at his hand, tightly wrapped around mine, and blushed. What the hell was he doing?

"Let go bastard!" I said trying to pull my hand from his grip, but Antonio didn't let go. "I say let go."

"Silly Lovi. I know that if I let go, you'll run again." He said pulling me through the hall. "_Es tu castigo por huir."_

The fucking bastard! I was going to kill him! I was going to kill him, his stupid Spanish words and his idiotic smiles! He was dead meat! Definitely dead meat!

* * *

**Translations:  
**

_amigo: _Friend

_es porque: _It's because...

_Vamos: _Let's go

_Es tu castigo por huir: _It's your punishment for running away.

**Any other strange spanish word I could have used and haven't translate feel feel free to ask. (You could use Google Translator, but sometimes the results are hilarious and extremely wrong) **

**_Danise Nowak_  
**


	6. Chapter 6

**I'm really sorry for taking so long. I returned to school last week and, my God, it was exhausting. The school thinks students are some kind of super fast human mutants that can do everything in the first week. I have my first exams in three weeks! Even though it's not an excuse. The real reason is that I wrote, and rewrote this chapter like five times until I liked it. A little writer's block? Maybe. But well here it is, enjoy!  
**

**_Danise Nowak_  
**

* * *

**_Ch. 6 Death End_**

I was sitting in front of my ex-coach in his little shitty, in my opinion, office. Neither of us was saying anything. We remained in silence, looking at each other, and waiting for one of us to gather the courage to speak. I tried to distract myself by sharpening my ears to hear something outside of the little office, but there was nothing. The little space that was left between the door and the wall was too little to let any sound enter, or no one was talking outside.

That was strange because Antonio was outside with another strange man. And in the little time that I had shared with that annoying guy, I had learnt that there was one thing he couldn't do, and that was staying quiet. He always talked; it didn't matter if the theme was a complete shit. So the silence was quite unusual.

Maybe the man that was with him knew some secret to keep Antonio quiet. I couldn't remember a lot of the stranger because I had only looked at him quickly before entering the office. He was tall, with toasted chocolate skin and two sharp eyes. I remember that his hair was almost the same brown as mine, and short. Nothing special. If I got out of this office one day, I would ask him for the secret.

"Lovino"

The voice of the coach snapped me out from my thoughts. The coach only produced a deep sigh before sitting more comfortably in his chair.

"I want you to reconsider the last offer I made to you."

I raised my eyebrow trying to figure out if he was joking, but his face was dead serious.

"I know you're going to refuse, but I want you to listen to me before answering."

_If you know what I'm going to say, then why asking? _

"I didn't expel you because you're a bad player, or because you were fighting with Marcus." He started. His right hand started to move, reaching for the other one. "I know one of your arguments for refusing is that you already have a team."

Well I had a team, until I was fucking expelled from it. Thanks to whom? Oh yeah, the same man that I had in front of me right now.

"But you have to know Lovino, that this team is only holding you back. You have a higher level than all of the others in the team, and I'm not capable of helping you to get higher. Your only chance to grow is the FC Royal."

It was then when all the pieces clicked in my brain. It took me some seconds to realize what the intention of the coach was when he expelled me. The answer was so fucking easy, but so fucking unimaginable.

"So you're saying that you expelled me so that I wouldn't have any excuse for not accepting the offer from the FC Royal." I muttered and he nodded. "That's so fucking stupid."

More than stupid, so fucking painful. I felt like he had back stabbed me. I didn't need to go to a stupid football club to get a chance of being a professional. I knew from the beginning that I didn't have that option because my future was already written. I was happy with staying in the school team, where I had learnt almost everything. But it was that same team that was throwing me out.

"It's not stupid. I'm just trying to do what's better for you Lovino."

"I didn't fucking ask for that!" I hissed standing up.

"Sit down Lovino" He ordered in an angry voice.

I doubted before obeying.

"Listen carefully Lovino." His tone had changed completely from nice to angry. "You should shut up and accept what's being offered to you. I know you love football. I know you want to be more than the star player of a school team, so don't put stupid excuses and grab the opportunity."

I remained in silence, shocked by the words of the coach. It was the first time he talked to me like that. I couldn't say anything to those words, because, and I hated to admit it, they were true. Deep down I knew they were true, but accepting those desires will only bring me pain. Was I prepared to deal with the consequences of following my dream?

The coach knew that his words did something because a soft smile appeared in his lips.

"Are you going to accept Lovino?"

I felt my hands trembling so I pressed them together to stop it. I knew my answer. I knew it since the first time that the coach had made the question, but I couldn't say it at the time, because I didn't have excuses for wanting it. A small smile formed in my lips. I could use the reason the coach had given me. I would use his betrayal for my advantage.

"I will."

"Perfect. Now I want you to meet someone that might trigger your curiosity." He stood up and walked to the door. "Come in Sadiq, you too Antonio."

I tensed when I heard the two mentioned enter the office. I never expected that man to be important. I thought he was someone that Antonio knew, which was kind of obvious because he had reacted at the sight of the man, but I never expected him to know the coach. Who was him?

"Has the boy decided, or do we have to wait more?"

Anger filled me when I heard those words but I didn't show it. That man was not going to get the satisfaction of getting a reaction from him. He walked until he was beside the coach and put a hand in his shoulder while smirking. Antonio remained standing beside the table with a frown in his temple. That was the first time I saw him with an irritated, or was it angered?, look in his eyes.

The coach only sighed shaking his head as if he was used to the attitude of the other man.

"Lovino, this is Sadiq Adnan, the FC Royal coach."

My eyes opened as I looked at that man. He was the coach? What the fuck! A coach with such a terrible attitude was the leader of the most successful team in the city? You had to be kidding me. Sadiq noticed my look of disbelieve and his smile expanded. With his olive green eyes stuck in me I couldn't move. He looked so dangerous, so fucking dangerous, and it didn't help the fact that he was kind of killing me with his eyes.

I felt the hand of Antonio on my shoulder before hearing him talk.

"It's such a good thing that Lovino has agreed." He said with his eyes on Sadiq. "Shouldn't we begin by telling him all the important information?"

Sadiq laughed. I don't know why he did it, maybe it was something he found funny in my face or in the face of Antonio, but I couldn't check that because I was facing both of the coaches.

"Well said Carriedo" He said with a loud rusty voice that sent tremors down my spine. Yeah, definitely dangerous. "Hey kid, don't get cocky just because you were recommended. You're going to be treated like any newbie in the team, got it?"

I nodded, words failing me. Recommended? Who had recommended him?

"You know where is the football field of the club , right?"

I nodded again. Actually the FC Royal grounds were in my way home, so I got the chance to pass every fucking day near that field.

"Very well boy, now you have to go there every day from 4 to 6, understood?"

"Yes."

"Wow the boy can talk! I was thinking the cat ate his tongue."

I tried to stand but the hand of Antonio in my shoulder prevented it. Fucking bastard.

"Shut up annoying old man!" I hissed.

"The kid has balls. I like it."

"Sadiq" My ex-coach said in a scolding tone that was usually used with little kids. That made me smile and made Sadiq frown. "Behave Sadiq. You're not a teenager."

"Evidently" I said under my breath. Antonio squeezed my shoulder to scold me.

"Well that's all boy. I suppose I should say, welcome to the team?" Sadiq said smirking again. "Now go. Adults have to talk."

I fucking swear that if Antonio hadn´t dragged me out of that office I would have punched that man in his fucking face. It wasn't until we were far from the office that Antonio let me go.

"Don't take it personal Lovi. He's always like that, with everyone."

His words didn't reassure me in the slightest because his face still had that frown that had formed since the moment he had saw that man. Sensing my stare, Antonio turned and smiled. For fucks sake, why did he have the necessity of smiling all the time? I frowned and turned away.

"Whatever."

"What class do you have next?"

Oh yeah, classes. I still had two more until going home. I remembered the incident of the infirmary and sighed, which only made Antonio look at me strangely. I was in problems, I knew it. It was only a matter of time, until the prefect, or even the director, called me to his office to talk to me. Well, it only rested to wait. I could even count with the fact that they would call the old man to inform him. I was going to be scolded again. Yeah, wonderful.

"History I think." I said after several minutes staying quiet.

"What classroom?"

"Why do you want to know?"

"To go with you."

He said it as if it was the most simple and obvious thing in the world. Was he stupid? Scratch that question, I had already confirmed that he was stupid.

"I don't want you to walk me to my class. I'm not a fucking new student or a puppy." I stopped walking, making him do the same. "I'm not your fucking friend so just go to your damn class and leave me alone."

I turned and left him there, in the middle of the hall, as quickly as I could. His face had looked so hurt. The guilty feeling in my chest didn't go away as I entered the classroom. But why was I feeling guilty for that? All my words were true. He was not my friend. He was only someone that had talked to me out of the blue. Okay, he had also helped me with Marcus, even though I could have finished that myself. But out of that, he was a complete stranger. I didn't even know his complete name, or in which grade he was. He shouldn't have felt so hurt by my words. Stupid sensitive bastard. He only caused me problems.

I sighed and turned to look at the window.

The sky was a perfect soft blue with few white clouds at sight. Such a peaceful sight after yesterday's furious storm. Suddenly a little bird landed in the edge of the window. He had a beautiful blue color with a strip of white feathers in the wings. He chirped happily before jumping to the emptiness and flying.

Birds were lucky. They could fly whenever they wanted. They could scape when they felt threatened. They could feel freedom while they fled through the sky. They could sing beautiful melodies even in the darkest storm. They had everything that I wanted.

I sighed again in wrote in the edge of my notebook a reminder to look for the name of the bird I saw. At least I could do that in the time that I would be locked from the world as punishment.


	7. Chapter 7

**Finally finished. Sorry for taking so long, I'm starting the infamous exams' week. This means I'll sleep less than normal, get stressed and stuff like that. Hope you like it!**

**_Danise Nowak_  
**

* * *

_**Ch.7 Bad Move**_

There were loud whistles everywhere. I could clearly hear the rusty voice of Sadiq Adnan screaming to some poor guy. Well, soon I was going to be in the place of that guy. But not right now because now I was being a coward and hiding behind a bunch of trees that were near the FC Royal field.

My wristwatch marked 3:30. It was not the hour for the practice yet, but some members of the team had already arrived. A few were practicing their shooting with some kind of game. Yeah I had never played something like that; in fact I hadn't played anything at all. When I started to play football I was already big and considered those kinds of games silly.

Maybe I played with Feliciano sometimes, but I couldn't remember; I was too young or too distracted in other things.

But well, that was the reason why I hadn't approached them. They would want me to play with them or something like that and I didn't know what to do. Or worse, they would just ignore me, and I would be in standing there like an idiot.

It was better to stay in this hiding spot until the practice begin. I could casually arrive two or three minutes late and make up an excuse about the long walk or something like that. Until then, I would remain in here.

I sighed while I lay in the grass. I knew that idea was stupid and lame, but I couldn't find the courage to go out of that circle of trees. I closed my eyes and concentrated in breathing slowly to calm my heart. I was never good with the first meetings. They made me so nervous for absolutely no reason and I always ended screwing up.

Suddenly someone stepped on me roughly, pushing my chest until I could hardly breathe. I opened my eyes scared by the sudden attack. My heart stopped when I saw Marcus there. Why was he here? Fuck, he couldn't have followed me from school, right?

"Did you think it was over Lovino?"

I couldn't speak because the pressure of Marcus' foot in my chest increased. I couldn't breathe well. My face must have been full of desperation because Marcus smiled pleased with my pain.

"Surprised Lovino? I thought you were more careful. At least you were until you destroyed everything."

_Well I also thought I was more careful. _

Heck, I couldn't believe that I had been so careless. I guess that the thoughts of actually going to the practices of the FC Royal were all I had in my head. I had forgotten completely about Marcus, about our last fight in that game, about what I did. I was fucking dead. I didn't expect to survive, or at least survive without an injury. But hell, I was going to fight.

"Well, if it isn't the loser Marcus" I said with a smirk in my lips. I didn't try to move his foot from my chest, giving an image that told I didn't care. "Did you come back to congratulate me?"

I earned a kick in my chest. My lips were pressed together forming a tight line to prevent any sound from escaping my mouth.

"Do you want some broken ribs Vargas? Are you that stupid?"

"Ribs can heal, if you didn't know"

Another kick, this one with enough force to oblige me to think of an option to get away. Even if a rib could heal, it was fucking painful and I didn't plan to have anything like that. Marcus was furious because he couldn't break me. I could see it in his eyes and when Marcus was furious he didn't think so well. Nothing different from normal of course.

"Can't take me in a fair fight Marcus? Is that why you always approach from the back?"

He hissed, taking away his foot and then laughed, as if he had thought something funny.

"Bring it on Lovino. Let's see what you can do with that weak body."

I stood up quickly, stepping away from Marcus. He was smirking with a high amount of confidence. Stupid bastard. There was one reason why I didn't get in fights, and it wasn't because I didn't know how to have a fist fight, after all he had taken the inconvenience of teaching me when I was little.

As expected Marcus attacked first, his right fist swinging dangerously with the intention of hitting my nose. I dodged and hit with my fist Marcus' stomach. He bended in pain and out of breath. But that only lasted some seconds before he started to swing his arms to hit me. Some of them landed in my body, but in areas that weren't important, like my shoulder and my arms. But even though Marcus was fighting like a wild bull, he was fast and soon I was with my back pressed to a tree.

"Not so cocky anymore eh Lovino?" He said while laughing. I bit my lip knowing that I had to take this more seriously if I wanted to get the hell out of there without a major injury. "Hey Lovino, is it true that your mother committed suicide?"

My eyes opened when I heard his words. Why did he know that? Why? No one knew that. It hadn't even happened in this town. It was back when he was living in Italy. Why did Marcus know that?

"What?" I stuttered in shock. All my body had tensed and my arms were beside my body with my guard completely open. Marcus took advantage of that and walked to me until he was only one step apart. And I couldn't move because all my attention was focused in the eyes of the boy I had in front.

"Did you think I didn't know? Did you think that the fact that your own mother killed herself in front of you was unknown?" Marcus said with a mocking tone. "How does it feel to see her die? How does it feel to be hated by your own mother until the point where she killed herself?"

I couldn't breathe .I felt how all the blood left my face, how my body started to sweat cold, how my heart increased his beating and how that hole in my chest grew bigger. My secret was out. Someone knew, he was not safe anymore. Soon everyone would know. I started to panic and my breathing got quick and short. And those words. Those words were the ones I repeated every night in my head. Those were the questions I asked myself since that day.

"The cat ate your tongue?" Marcus laughed. "She was a fucking bitch just as screwed as his son."

With those words I snapped.

I could take every insult, I could even tolerate when someone mocked Feliciano, but my mother was other thing. Even when she had decided to end her life, even if I resented her decisions, she was MY mother. No one could insult her. No one.

Marcus screamed when my fist impacted with his nose making a loud crack sound. His face started to get covered with blood, but I didn't stop. He was going to regret every fucking word. He was going to beg for forgiveness. I wouldn't stop until he was in his knees begging. I was so lost in my fury that I didn't notice that Marcus had stopped defending himself. He was in too much pain to do it.

"Stop"

I blinked. My sight got clearer and I immediately backed away from Marcus. I started to shake as I saw him. What the fuck had I done? Marcus' face was covered in blood, his nose broken and his right cheek inflamed. There were other bruises starting to form in his face. His arms where near his face. I supposed that he tried to cover it with them. Marcus had been murmuring the same words for some time now.

_Stop_

I had done it when I finally heard him, but it was too late.

I started to back off, terrified with what I had done. I had promised myself that this would not happen again. I had promised Feliciano. I had broken my promise.

I started to sob. I raised my shaking hands, which were covered in blood, and looked at them with horror. I was stained.

"Help"

I turned to see Marcus, who was not moving and only able to spat quiet words. If someone discovered this I would be in serious problems. He could even be taken to the police. I couldn't afford that.

I walked until I was besides Marcus. He trembled when I kneeled by his side. I took a deep breath, preparing myself for my act. I was not going to let my slip to be a cause of pain for my family.

"Listen well Marcus" I said looking at him in the eyes. "You will not tell a soul about this or I'll make sure to silence you by force. Understood?"

He nodded, his eyes showing how terrified he was. I could see my reflection in them and detested what I saw. A man ready to do everything, a madman. So disgusting.

"I'll call for help. Remember no one will know Marcus."

He tried to talk but I was already far from him, with the backpack I had brought in my shoulders. I had put it near a bush so it was safe during the fight. I took out a hoodie to cover my bruised arms and the stains of blood in my clothes. And I ran. I ran as fast as I could until I reached the football field. During the time that I had been fighting with Marcus, almost all the team had arrived and was reunited in the benches.

Sadiq Adnan was in the middle of all the players talking. I ran and opened a way between the ones reunited until I reached him. He stared at me with one eyebrow raised with an unspoken question.

"Someone needs your help." I said panting. He didn't move expecting a better explanation. I was so lucky to be an expert liar. "On my way here I saw some burglars attacking a boy. He is near those trees in a really bad shape. I think he needs to go to the hospital."

"Lead the way boy" He said in the absolute silence that surrounded them. I nodded and started to walk until we were near where Marcus was. I pointed with my finger to the broken figure of Marcus in the grass. Sadiq Adnan hurried to where Marcus was and kneeled by his side.

"Run to the building beside the field and call for an ambulance and call some of the others to help me. Quickly boy!"

I nodded and ran to the field. I transmitted Sadiq's words and ran to the building. After calling the ambulance I searched for a bathroom. I entered the first one I saw and checked that there was no one in there. After that I rolled up the sleeves of the hoodie and washed my hands and arms. The water dyed a red colour, the colour of Marcus' blood. I maintained a blank face through all the process. The stains in the clothes were impossible to wash right now. I would do it when I arrived to the house.

"Lovino?"

My heart started to beat fast when I heard someone calling me. Shaking my head I forced myself to calm down and went out of the bathroom. I almost ran over Antonio and other guy with silver hair.

Antonio looked at me with a worried face while the other guy maintained a blank face. I could feel their eyes looking at me up and down, and that didn´t help my nervousness.

"What the hell are you looking at?" I spat after some seconds.

Antonio and the other frowned at the same time.

"You have a big mouth _Blag_" said the one with the silver hair.

"And what if?" I was still affected by the fight with Marcus and did not appreciate a stranger mocking me.

"Ignore Gilbert, Lovino." Antonio said before the one named Gilbert could say anything. "The coach is looking for you. He is in his office that is in the end of this hall to the left."

I nodded and started to walk, but the hand of Antonio in my shoulder stopped me. I looked at his hand, making obvious that I wanted him to let go. But he didn't, and for the first time he was completely serious. I swallowed slowly under the silent eyes of Antonio.

"Are you sure they were burglars the ones that attacked Marcus?"

I could feel the accusation in Antonio's voice. After all he knew that Marcus and I had fought. He could easily recognized Marcus as the injured boy. He had all the foundations to suspect me. But I was not going to fall so easily.

"I'm sure. Is there another thing you want to ask?"

"No"

"Then I'll go."

I could feel the eyes of Gilbert and Antonio following me all the way until I reached Sadiq's office.

Now I had to be careful with Antonio, his stupid friend Gilbert and Marcus. Everything kept piling up.

* * *

**Translation **

**Blag: **brat


	8. Chapter 8

**Here's the next part. I promise that from now on I'll write more Antonio-Lovino stuff. Hope you enjoy. **

**_Danise Nowak_  
**

* * *

_**Ch. 8 Punishment**_

Sadiq's office was not the small shit that the coach of my ex-team had. This was a real office with a big desk, a black leather chair, a bookshelf covering one of the walls, and two chairs in front of the desk. When I entered the first thing that called my attention was the little beta fish that was swimming in a fishbowl on the desk. The fish was a mixture of dark and light blue. I wouldn't have expected Sadiq Adnan to own a pet, at least not a fish.

"I see you like Arkada."

I raised an eyebrow when I heard the name focusing in the man that was seated in the leather chair in front of me. He was smiling, with his chin resting in his hands that were entangled and with his elbows on the desk. His olive eyes were shinning and making me tremble. This man had the special ability of making me nervous. I should end quickly whatever he wanted and go.

"What am I doing here?"

His eyes lingered in me for a few seconds and then he sighed.

"It is really curious you know." He said while opening one of the drawers of his desk. I observed him in complete silence not knowing what to say. "I don't excel for my good memory, but I swear that I'd already seen that poor guy you found." He looked at me one second before taking out a little bottle of fish food.

_Breathe_ _Lovino._

I was going to play dumb. It was impossible for him to know who Markus was, right? After all he had only seen Markus briefly during that game. He couldn't remember him, right? Fuck, who was I trying to fool? I knew that Sadiq knew who was Markus as well as Antonio. His words right now were a proof. Bad memory my ass. He was trying to choke out the truth from my lips and like hell I was going to do it.

"Really?"

He smiled again, as if he expected my response. I tried to cover my nervousness. He didn't look at me, focused in feeding the blue beta fish. He took one wafer from the bottle and threw it in the fishbowl. Immediately the fish swam towards the wafer and started eating.

"Well yeah, if I remember well, he was in your school team, right?"

"I don't remember every member of the team."

"Oh my, why boy? Weren't you the little star? Why can't you remember the name of a teammate?"

I opened my mouth to answer but closed it immediately. He was provoking me! Fucking bastard.

Seeing me hesitate caused another smile in his lips, well more like a smirk. I was caught, and he knew it.

"Sit down Lovino"

I obeyed without pronouncing a word. It was clear for him what had happened. Now he was going to expel me from FC Royal. I was going to return home and wait until the school called the old man to inform him of everything that had happened in the last few days. Then I was going to receive a speech from him telling me how useless I was, how disappointed he was and more bullshit. I sighed giving up to my imaginary future.

"I'm not going to expel you Vargas, so relax. I want to know why you did it."

Like that was so fucking easy.

"I was surprised when the boy went with the story of the burglars. You must have scared the shit out of him." Sadiq said with a chuckle. "I guess he won't present charges to the police, but you should be careful Vargas."

He stood up and walked until he was beside me. Suddenly he had his hand under my chin forcing me to look at him.

"Talk boy."

"I don't have…."

"Save the lies boy" He said harshly. "Answer the question."

I stared at the man with scared eyes. His fingers in my chin were increasing the pressure and it hurt dammit, but I was not going to show it. And his grip in my chin was the least of my problems. His eyes were the ones that scared the shit out of me. They were so cold, so cruel and yet had such a beautiful color. They pierced through me like knives, I could feel it. He could see right through me and that scared me the most. I felt so vulnerable.

"He…he said….things."

"And because of that you left him like that?" Sadiq said in a disapproving tone.

I felt a shot of pain passing through my body. I'd tried not to think about it. I already knew I'd acted wrong. I already knew I'd lost control. I'd broken my promise. I knew it all, but suffering in front of others was forbidden. That's why I'd built those walls that fell only when I entered my room. But now Sadiq had broken them with a single blow.

I didn't know I was crying until Sadiq relaxed his grip and talked with a soft voice.

"Don't cry boy. Everyone makes mistakes."

I pulled back from him using my hand and looked at the floor while concentrating to stop the tears. I was such a weak crybaby. Why was I crying in front of that man? I hated him for doing this to me. I'd been doing perfectly until he intervened.

"I won't tell anyone. You have my word. Just don't repeat it." He said sitting in his chair again. "You can talk to me whenever you want boy. You can go now."

I stormed out of the room without waiting any second longer. Somehow I'd managed to stop crying but the wet trails in my cheeks were still there. I didn't see Antonio had been following me until he grabbed my arm.

"Lovino I want to talk…." He stopped talking when he saw my face. I guess I must have looked like shit. "_¿Qué…? _What happened?"

"Nothing."

"_Mentiroso. _I would be stupid if I believed that." He said releasing my arm. Seeing that I was not going to talk he continued. "The practice was cancelled as you can see. Almost everyone has left."

"And?"

"I wanted to introduce you to some teammates that are still here."

"Why do you bother? Why do you always do things for me even when I'd treated you like shit?"

"This team is important for me." He said simply.

I frowned not buying his words. He simply smiled and took my arm pulling me through the building towards the field. This was a déjà vu. If I remembered well, he had done the same thing when my ex-coach had called me. Was he going to do this every time? Of course, I had resigned myself to be pulled like that, because Antonio was pretty strong, even though he didn't look like a strong person. Actually, I found him scarier than Sadiq Adnan. At least the man showed his true face and emotions. Antonio was always masked by that stupid smile that I had begun to fear.

Finally in the field Antonio kept pulling me until we were in front of three persons. One was the one Antonio had called Gilbert. A guy with silver hair and big red eyes, an albino, if I remember well my biology classes. He was tall, muscular and had the biggest grin I'd ever seen. Next to him was a taller guy, with golden blond hair pulled back, also muscular and with two piercing blue eyes. His face was emotionless. The third guy had a more delicate figure and wasn't wearing sport clothes. He had light blond hair up to his chin, blue eyes, slim, and a curious smile in his… Was that lip gloss? What the hell.

"Lovi, this is Gilbert and Ludwig Beilschmidt, they are brothers and play in the team. This one is Francis Bonnefoy. He's here to observe."

I observed the men that were before me then looked at Antonio.

"He is a rude _Kind,_ as you can see." Gilbert said smirking.

I glared at him without saying anything.

"_Petit _Lovino, aren't you in our school?" The one called Francis talked and I immediately recognized his French accent.

"Yes"

"A great coincidence, _merveilleux."_

"Can I go now?" I politely asked Antonio. I didn't know why he wanted to present me to these guys, and I didn't care why. I just wanted to go to my house and stay inside of my room for the next hours, maybe days.

"_Pero _Lovi, we just began to talk!"

"I don't care. I want to go home."

"Do you miss your mommy?" Gilbert said laughing. Francis and Antonio smiled a little with his friend's joke, but I remained serious, the same as the other one called Ludwig.

I was fed up with the mommy jokes for a day. I'd had enough already. I turned around and started to walk to the exit. I walked two steps before Antonio and Gilbert grabbed me each one from one shoulder. I reacted by spinning and smacking their hands off me.

"Hey kid,I was just kidding."

"Well, let me tell you that as a comedian you would die of hunger."

"You want a fight _Dummkopf_?"

"Wouldn't that be wonderful?" I said with a smirk.

"Gilbert stop" Ludwig talked for the first time since I had arrived. He had such an authoritarian voice.

"_Aber Bruder, er…"_

"_Halt" _Ludwig ordered. Gilbert continued to create excuses while his brother looked at him with a hard expression in his face. This was my opportunity.

"I'll go now" I said and without waiting for an answer I started to drift far away from them.

"Lovino" I stopped when Antonio called me, but didn't turn around. "Be careful of the burglars" I could hear the smile in Antonio's lips. He was mocking me, of that I was sure.

"I will" I said clenching my teeth.

I spent less than fifteen minutes to get home. As I didn't want to see anybody for the moment, I climbed the plants outside of my window and entered my room. I expected Feliciano to be there, but he was probably in a friend's house or in one of his painting classes. Better for me. I would only have ignored him and Feliciano wasn't fond of being ignored.

I locked my door and sat beside my bed. And then I let all my thoughts flow.

Why have I done that? It was not as if I hadn't endured jokes like that. After the incident, when I returned to school I had received those types of comments. I knew, from my experience, that children could be cruel and violent. I was like that back then. After all, I had to learn to defend myself with no one's help.

As a kid I froze my heart and used my fists. It is incredible, now that I see it, that I kept my good grades. That's what my family saw, but the reality was that I was always in fights. Till one day I ended in the hospital. Feliciano noticed since that day. It was in one hell of a fight that he finally decided to follow me. I ended in the hospital again, and Feliciano, crying at me side, made me promise him that I would never fight again. A few months after we moved from Italy to this city.

And over all those years living here I had fulfilled my promised, until today.

I remembered my stained clothes under the hoodie. Walking until I was in front of the mirror beside my closet I took off the hoodie and observed the t-shirt. Red, almost brown, spots covered the cloth. There was one set of spots that looked like fingers.

_Marcus grabbed me there when he was trying to stop me. _

I lifted my shaking right hand until it was almost touching that particular spot. I grabbed the t-shirt from there and took it off with a hard pull. I couldn't look at it. But the sight under the t-shirt was worse.

My stomach was covered in dark bruises, for the recent fight, and yellowish ones that were made in my fight with Marcus during the football game. I rubbed under my right eye and saw the yellow bruise that was fading. I had covered it with makeup, yeah even if makeup was only for girls, because I didn't want Feliciano or the old man to notice. My arms were also covered with bruises. I was a mess, a filthy mess of purple skin and I deserved it. I deserved every one of those bruises and more because I had broken my promise.

I looked at my reflection with angry eyes. My left fist collided with the mirror without breaking it but causing a sharp pain in my wrist. I observed the injured hand and noticed the faint lines that I had made so many days ago. Two shaky lines adorning my wrist. My eyes immediately looked to my night table, where I had dumped the razors I had used.

With slow steps I got near the night table and opened the second drawer. The blades shinned when I took them out.

"This is wrong" I muttered. "So wrong"

But even if I knew it I could let them go. I had to be punished; these stupid bruises were not enough.

_But not in the wrist._

That was such a visible place. Where could I do it? I looked again at my reflection in the mirror and smiled. It was so obvious. A place where I could have marks without someone discovering it. I had bruises to cover the cuts; it was perfect.

I lifted my hand with the blade and felt how tears went down my face. This was something necessary, because nor Lovino nor anyone could know of what I had done. I was the only one capable of punishing my actions. More tears fell from my eyes as I started my work. They didn't stop until I fell asleep in the floor.

The next in the school I heard everyone murmuring about Marcus. They were many theories circling. Some students believed the story of the burglars and were talking about security measures to prevent these attacks. Some thought he had got in a fight and lost, which was more or less true. Others thought he had been hit by his father, known as a violent one. But only the closest friends of Marcus looked at me with suspicious eyes.

I ignored their eyes and walked through the school building. I was sure they weren't going to make a confrontation because they were scared of ending as Marcus. I felt my chest full of satisfaction and at the same time a sharp feeling of guiltiness. They were afraid of me.

"Hey! Lovino Vargas"

I stopped before the infirmary door and looked at the nurse that was smiling.

"How have you been?"

"Good"

"I talked to your teacher to eliminate any misunderstanding, if you know what I mean." She said with a bright smile. I nodded and thanked for her help. So that was why the professor hadn't said anything in class.

The walk to the field was quickly and I entered the toilets before the practice to secure the bandages around my abdomen. I was wearing a long sleeves football shirt to cover the bruises in my arms. It was not strange to see someone with one of those because the temperature in the city was chilly.

When I got out Sadiq called me to the circle the players had made around him. I sprinted until I was there and listened to the instructions. The practice began and I found myself in a tense atmosphere.

I noticed the glares from the other players and the brusque manners they used when handing me stuff. Gilbert was outrageously ingenious with his insults and Antonio laughed at every one of them. They didn't like me. It was clear. They were doing this to make me feel like shit and they were achieving it, but I had lived almost all my life being treated like that.

"I'll endure it" I muttered when the practice ended. "I must do it."

* * *

**Translations: **

**Spanish**

_¿Qué...? **What?¿**_

_Mentiroso **Liar**_

___Pero_******But**  


**French**

_Petit **Little**_

_Merveilleux **Wonderful**_

__**German**

_Dummkopf **Dumbass **_

_Kind _**Kid **

_Aber Bruder, er... **But bother, he...**_

_Halt **Stop**_


	9. Chapter 9

**As I promised I'll start with more Lovino-Antonio interaction. Cheers! Hope you like it and feel free to leave reviews. Although I don't reply to all of them, they are really useful and give me an idea of how the story is sinking in others' minds. **

**_Danise Nowak_**

* * *

_**Ch. 9 Something new**_

"_Fratello!_"

I felt the arms of my brother around me one second after hearing his voice. This time the force he used when doing it was bigger than normal. My first reaction was to wince because of the wounds I had, but suppressed it in order to avoid being questioned. I sighed with force instead and took his hands to free myself from his hug. When I turned to see him he was pouting.

"Why don't you let me hug you?" He said with sad eyes.

"I let you." I answered.

"Two seconds is not a hug!" He exclaimed.

A crack of a smile appeared in my lips but disappeared as quickly as it came. Feliciano frowned immediately.

"Are you feeling okay _fratello?_"

"I'm tired. I haven't been sleeping well."

It was not a lie but not the complete truth. Sleeping was always difficult for me, and Feliciano knew it, but now it was worse because I had the pressure from the school plus the FC Royal.

The situation was getting worse. Sadiq didn't do anything if he noticed. I knew that if he did something I would be doomed, more than now, so I was kind of grateful for his passivity. It wasn't as if I couldn't tolerate it. After all the most they do is to say nasty comments; they never use force.

Feliciano stayed quiet for a moment looking at me.

"Is it because that date is coming?"

_I hadn't even thought of that. _

"Could be."

I looked to the other side to avoid being asked again. Feliciano knew that theme was forbidden. He took my hand as we walked through the school hall and smiled one of those smiles that told me he understood.

"I'm here for you." He said before going to his class.

I looked at my hand, feeling as if I had a thousand pound weight in it. Feliciano had always been a person who knew how to console everyone, except me. The words that usually flowed so smooth from his mouth died when he was with me. It was pretty ironic but I appreciated his efforts.

The class started smoothly. The professor started to talk like there was no tomorrow and I looked at the window as I always did. My grades had been improving until reaching B's. Of course that was not enough for the old man, but I didn't care. My sleepless nights were useful at least for something.

There was a knock in the door and everyone fell silent as the professor opened it. Two familiar faces smiled to the professor.

"We came to make an announcement _maestro._"

The professor nodded and made them space to enter. The ever happy Antonio Carriedo walked till he was in front of the whole class followed by the loud Gilbert Beilschmidt. I noticed how their eyes fell in me for a second before starting to talk. I turned my head to the window resigned to the fact that I had to tolerate their presence.

"As you know we have the awesome scientific fair in two days, and everyone is invited to visit!" Gilbert said with a load roar that won a few laughs.

"We would really like to see you all in there, _si?_" said Antonio with a big smile.

"It would be wise for you to go, because next year you'll be the ones to organize it." The professor said while looking at his class. "Vargas, pay attention!"

"I am" I said without looking at him.

"Then look to the front."

"Is it necessary? It's not like they are showing us something." I mumbled.

The professor must have given up because he didn't say anything. I thanked God for his little resolution. I didn't want to look at those two faces and see the mocking smiles Antonio and Gilbert had in their mouths. It was enough to see them two hours every day.

"We are going to give you a little paper with the dates of each exposition." Antonio continued talking as if nothing had happened. For the first time I was glad of his goofy attitude.

From the corner of my eye I could see how Antonio and Gilbert started to pass through all the desks giving away a little white paper. I jumped when a hand impacted against my desk. I looked up and saw a grinning Gilbert at my side. He had under his hand the white paper.

"Isn't it a little hot to use a sweater Vargas?" he said.

"Could be" I said looking at my covered arms.

I had noticed that those types of answers made Gilbert furious because it appeared as if I was ignoring him. The guy lived for attention. Even so, he was right. It was an awfully hot day and I was wearing a fucking sweater. It was not as if I couldn't take it off, but if I did the bandages under my shirt could be seen, and I was not going to expose myself so easily.

I shifted in my sit and sighed while taking, more like tearing apart, the white paper from Gilbert's hand. He took my wrist suddenly and I looked at him with questioning eyes. There was something in his eyes, as if he was searching, but whatever that was he didn't find it because he let me go and continued with his work.

I turned again my head towards the window and stared at the sky. Today there were big gray clouds covering the usual blue. It was going to rain, and yet it was so hot, but I had to go to the FC Royal fields because Sadiq Adnan wouldn't cancel a practice for something as circumstantial as a little rain.

So when I arrived to the field almost everyone was there, as soaked as me, with scowls in their faces. No one wanted to get sick because of that stupid man. And ignoring in an Olympic way our discomfort he initiated with screaming instructions.

After some time I stopped feeling cold. Sadiq knew exactly what to do to make us warm in an instant. But even if he had a rough mask in his face, the practice ended earlier than normal.

The rain was pouring like no tomorrow over our heads and everyone ran to the building for refuge. I didn't make it because, there, standing beside the door with an umbrella in his hands, was Feliciano. His eyes were wide open and his mouth made a perfect "o". It was obvious he had seen me.

"_Fratello!" _

And the idiot decided to ran towards me and abandon the umbrella in the floor. I shook my head and pulled him until we were under the roof of the building.

"What the hell were you thinking Feliciano, you can get sick, for God's sake don't leave the umbrella there whenever you see someone you know." I said taking the umbrella and opening it over Feliciano. He smiled a little ashamed.

"Sorry"

"What are you doing here?"

"I came to meet my friend. We have a project to make after this."

I turned to look at everyone that was part of the team. Who could be Feliciano's friend?

"His name is Ludwig Beilschmidth."

I turned to look at my brother shocked. That monster was in Feliciano's grade? What the hell! He looked bigger than me and, for god's sake, bigger than his own brother. Why would Feliciano choose him as a friend? Normally he was shy and scared of persons like Ludwig.

"That big tank?" I said after some seconds. Feliciano frowned.

"Don't be mean _fratello. _He is a friend of mine."

"Feliciano, sorry to make you wait."

I watched the strange phenomena of Feliciano's face starting to shine when the deep voice of Ludwig Beilschmidth sounded behind me. I jumped startled and looked at him with angry eyes.

Out of nowhere Feliciano had a little towel in his hands and was drying Ludwig's hair. Okay, that was extremely weird. I felt the two blue eyes of Ludwig on me.

"Lovino" He said as a greeting.

"Beilschmidth."

"You know each other?" asked Feliciano with a big smile. "Oh yeah, you're in the same team, of course." Then he frowned and looked at me. I knew what was going to happen next. "Why didn't you tell me you were in the FC Royal?"

"I didn't?" I muttered looking to my feet.

"No you didn't," Feliciano's voice was cold, reclaiming the lack of knowledge. I tried to ignore it. "and Ludwig also didn't."

"I thought you knew." Ludwig said quickly. He must know how Feliciano is.

"Look what we have here, the Vargas brothers!"

Gilbert approached us with Antonio following. I rolled my eyes and tried to walk away but Gilbert put an arm around my shoulders to stop me. In my brain I killed him like three times for doing that. I was in enough problems with Feliciano knowing I was in the FC Royal, with the danger of him talking too much like always and spilling everything to the old man.

"_Bruder _go away." Ludwig said with a tired sigh.

"But it's interesting, the last time I saw these boys was an eternity ago."

Feliciano and I ignored the Germans' talk and looked at each other. Feliciano was pissed, I could see it in his eyes and an angry Feliciano was an immediately chaos. And as I expected he approached me with serious eyes and stopped until he was at a one-step distance. Everyone fell in silence watching the unusual expression in Feliciano's face.

"Why?"

I didn't say anything. It was not the right place, and definitely with the wrong company. But Feliciano didn't care. He grabbed my shirt and pushed me. I let him do whatever he wanted. I deserved a punishment after all, even if Feliciano didn't know why. I needed to feel that someone was angry at me.

"Does gran…?"

"No" I cut him off before he could mention the old man. He pushed me again.

"How many things are you going to hide?" He hissed, in a lower tone thanks to god. "Ever since that day…"

I felt all the blood fell from my face. Oh no, he wasn't going to use that. I wasn't going to let him talk more. He was the one to remind me of the date and now he wanted to talk about it and throw it on my face? He wasn't even in there when it happened. It wasn't something he could talk. It wasn't something of him. He was just an outsider.

"Shut up." I hissed pushing him away from me. "Shut up." I repeated in a lower tone.

Feliciano seemed to realize what he had said and looked at me with scared eyes. Oh yeah, he had to be scared. Fuck, he better be.

"Lovino I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…."

"Say the old man I'm arriving late today." I muttered while turning around. The rain fell on my face when I have the first step towards the exit and I heard Feliciano muttering apologizes in between of his sobs. But I didn't listen and continued walking till I was in the middle of nowhere.

The streets were silent, not even dogs were outside; only a crazy kid, me. I was the only capable of walking outside with weather like this. I watched every step I took seeing how my shoes splattered the water in the street's puddles and how my clothes were so wet that someone could see the bandages under the shirt.

I was a mess. A total mess and I had no remedy; I was going to be always a mess.

Suddenly I heard the bark of a dog and all my thoughts returned to earth. I looked around and cursed. I was far away from my house and at this hour the busses were scarce. But thinking about it, I didn't want to go home. Facing the old man and a crying brother was not in my priority list. But where else could I go? I didn't have money. I didn't know anyone who would let me stay in their house. I had no option, home was it.

"Stupid town" I muttered. At least in Italy I knew people who would receive me, but it was my fault that I had no one here. I was the one who had pushed everyone apart. I kicked a rock that was in the floor and started to walk towards my home. It would take time, maybe I would arrive in the early morning. If that was the case, it would be more practical to walk directly to school.

As I walked, trying to decide where to, I looked at the rock I was kicking. I didn't saw anyone until I collided with something hard but warm. I looked to the unfortunate person with an apology in my lips but my words died there.

I was looking directly to the eyes of Antonio.

"What the hell are you doing here Lovino?" He asked with an angry tone.

This was a completely different Antonio from the one I saw every day.

"Walking"

"I can see that." He said with a sigh. He put a hand over his eyes in a tired gesture. "Why aren't you in your home? Feliciano must be worried."

"Yeah, he must"

I couldn't say anything more. Somehow this Antonio was more intimidating than the normal cheerful one.

His hand descended and his two emerald eyes looked at me with coldness. I felt a shiver traveling through my spine. I had to go.

"I shall go" I muttered trying to pass him but he stopped me by grabbing my arm with force.

"Isn't your house a little bit far for walking?" I nodded but tried to walk again obtaining the same result from Antonio.

"I'm taking a bus" I muttered.

Antonio nodded and let me go. I started to walk slowly, listening carefully if Antonio made any movement to stop me, but he didn't. My muscles relaxed and my walking started to get faster. But then his voice stopped me.

"You aren't taking a bus, are you Lovino?"

I couldn't take another step. He had discovered me. I looked over my shoulder and saw his eyes looking at me. I swallowed nervously under his gaze.

"Are you even going to your house?"

I didn't say anything. It was true that I had decided to go to the school instead of home, after all I always had a change of clothes in my locker, but how did Antonio discovered it? Antonio shook his head and walked until he was near me. I took a step away from him as a reaction. He shook his head again with a bitter smile in his lips.

"You're so helpless Lovino."

"Who are you calling helpless bastard!" I hissed watching his movements.

"Come with me."

"To where?"

"My house."

"Why on hell would I go to your house?!" I asked taking another step back.

My words seemed to be the drop that filled the glass because he quickly grabbed my shoulder and pulled me with a brusque movement so that I was walking beside him. Even if I tried to resist he wouldn't let me go. I gave up when his grip started to hurt like hell. What was this bastard doing?

"You're incredible Lovino. _Realmente increíble._ Not only you upset your own family by not going home for I don't know how many days, if I assume this is not the first time you wander in the streets, but you also are so stupid to upset the ones that are around you. _Algo ciertamente estúpido._" He increased his speed with a silent me following, his grip never loosing. "_Seguramente _you have been all this time walking here and there, _mojado_, with your clothes wet. _Si te enfermas te juro que no te cuidaré. _I have enough already with my life."

"Then why don't you leave me here?" I said in a quiet whisper.

He stopped a moment to look at me and his expression softened for some damn reason.

"I'm not that cruel Lovi, after all I do care for you."

I remained quiet all the way till we reached his house. His words were still in my head. _I do care for you. _Why do I felt so happy? Why did his words made my chest become flooded with warmness so comforting that it hurt?

I put my hand over my hear and then, I started to cry.

* * *

**Translations:**

**Italian**

_Fratello __**Brother **_

**Spanish**

_Maestro_ **Teacher**

_Si **Yes**_

_Realmente increíble **Really incredible **_

_Algo ciertamente estúpido **Something certainly stupid **_

_Seguramente **Surely **_

_Mojado **Wet**_

_Si te enfermas te juro que no te cuidaré **If you get sick, I swear I won't look after you**_

**German**_**  
**_

_Bruder_ **Brother****  
**


	10. Chapter 10

**So here is it! It is longer than usual, which is not a bad thing (well at least for me). Next week I'm going to be a little bit busy, because I have this big debate of philosophy, which is a class I totally hate, but I made it ,miraculously, to the final team and now we have to go to talks and I'm going to return home late. It can take a little longer to write the next chapter, but I'll see what I can do. Hope you like it!**

**_Danise Nowak_  
**

* * *

**_Ch. 10 When everything went wrong_**

I know I have had some terrible awkward moments in my life, like the time when I found the old man kissing a woman in the living room, or when I barged in the women's toilets, but they are nothing compared to the awkwardness I'm feeling right now while sitting in Antonio's bed.

He had gone down to the kitchen for I don't know what and told me before going to sit in his bed. I sat in the edge trying not to wet the deep red bedcover. It was not as if my clothes were dripping but they were humid from all the rain. It had not helped the fact that it rained in our way to Antonio´s house. My hair had still little cold drops of water.

My eyes started to observe with curiosity the room, because I hadn't done it while Antonio was there. The walls were covered with a creamy wall paper with soft diamond-like figures. A black couch beside a door that, I suppose, was of the bathroom. There was a mahogany desk in front of the bed with a bookshelf covering the wall over it. The desk was full of scattered notebooks, sheets and an occasional pencil or pen. It was quite a disaster if you compared it to the ordered bookshelf. I couldn't read all the tittles so I got up and walked until I was in front of the bookshelf. With my finger I passed the spine of each book I read.

_Spanish cooking. Receipts. Photo album of Germany. Shakespeare. Arturo Pérez-Reverte. Molière. _

The heck. He had so many different authors that I didn't know! And the themes from the books were also so different. What did he like? It was impossible to tell from those titles.

"I see you found my little library."

I jumped when Antonio talked, not expecting to see him standing in the door frame with two steaming cups in his hands. My hand slipped to my side and I remained there watching him enter his room and offering me one of the cups. I took it and looked inside. The cup had some dark brown liquid that smelled so sweet and familiar.

"Chocolate?" I adventured.

Antonio smiled and nodded while taking the first sip from the cup. He winced when the hot liquid burned his tongue. I had to bite my tongue to keep me from laughing.

"It's hot" he murmured blowing gently air to the cup.

"Of course it is." I mumbled imitating him in the blowing and taking a sip after. It was delicious! I didn't remember the last time I had eaten a chocolate bar was. We stayed in silence drinking the sweet liquid until Antonio stood up suddenly and took out of his pants' pocket a white pill. He offered it to me.

"What's that?"

"A pill for the fever."

"I'm not sick"

"You will be."

"I won't"

"Take the pill Lovi. You don't have to take it right now. It will be useful when you feel like shit."

"It's Lovino"

I took the pill and placed it in my pocket. I was not going to get sick. Why did he keep insisting that? He continued drinking from the cup until it was empty and then walked towards the closet door at the right of the bed. He opened it and started to search something from one drawer. While he did that, I watched the other details of the room.

There was a little Spanish flag in one corner of the bookshelf. There were several posters of football players over the wall beside the door to the bathroom, in the other side was the black couch. I recognized some of them, but not all. Under those posters in the corner, there was an acoustic guitar lying on the wall. So he knew how to play it. I never thought he would be a musical person. The next thing that caught my attention were the photos on the night tables. I couldn't see who was in those photos, and I wasn't going to walk there to satisfy my curiosity. I was still digesting the idea that I was in Antonio's house.

"Do you prefer a color?"

I looked at Antonio, who had two shirts in his hands. One was white and the other black.

"Black" I said immediately. A white shirt could get stained if the wounds opened.

Antonio nodded and threw it to me along with some gray pants. I looked at the clothes for a moment. Did I have to wear them? I could sleep in the clothes I had right now.

"You're not going to sleep with those wet clothes." Antonio said reading my thoughts. "The bathroom is there. You can take a bad if you want, there are towels inside."

The idea of taking a bath was so tempting. In fact I was freezing and the hot water was calling me, but if I did take a bath I would have to remove the bandages and there was a high possibility of opening the wounds. I looked at the clothes Antonio gave me and then at the door of the bathroom.

"Are you going or not?" asked a tired Antonio while sighing.

"I'm going" I muttered. I had enough practice in the change of the bandages. I could change them without making a mess. "I'll sleep in the couch."

Before Antonio could say something I walked to the bathroom door and close it behind me. I turned on the water and started to take off my wet clothes. The room began to get full of the vapor from the hot water of the shower and I couldn't help but shiver from the different temperatures my body received. I sat over the toilet lid and started to take off the bandages slowly and carefully. They were a little humid so they didn't open any wound in a huge proportion. Only one or two of the cuts started to bleed but not too much. I folded them and put them under my clothes.

The shower was a great idea. It calmed me and almost made me forget where I was. But I was reminded when I hear a soft knock in the door.

"It's getting late Lovi. You better go out and sleep."

The voice of Antonio was full of fatigue, but still gentle. I turned off the water and wrapped the bandages around my body once I was dry. The pants and the shirt were big for me but they did their job as a pajama.

I walked out of the bathroom, with my clothes folded under my arm, and found the black couch prepared with a blanket and a quilt. I looked over to the bed where Antonio was sitting with his eyes fixed in me.

"Don't look at me and go to sleep." He said and let himself fall in the bed.

I nodded absently and lay in the couch. When I was about to close my eyes, a puffy white pillow landed in my face.

"Hey!" I exclaimed.

Antonio just shrugged and closed his eyes. I did the same and waited for the dreams to come. But I should have guessed that Antonio wouldn't shut up even when it was almost midnight.

"Lovi? Why didn't you tell your brother of the FC Royal?"

"It's Lovino." I muttered while thinking what to say. Taking in account what I knew of Antonio, he was not going to accept any excuse, but I couldn't tell him all the truth. Maybe telling half the truth would help to get rid of his damn curiosity. "I didn't want him to go talking about it."

"Why?"

"I don't like to be the center of attention, unlike him."

"I have noticed" He said with a laugh. I just frowned saying nothing. It took a few seconds of silence for him to talk again. "Do you really hate me?"

"I don't hate you moron." I said with a sigh. He was really stupid for believing everything people said. Even if I had said those words to hurt him and to keep him away, it was obvious it was a lie. At least for me. But I was not going to say that to him because I wanted him far away from me and that was the easiest way to do so. It was not my fault that he was so naïve. So now I was in problems, if Antonio kept asking I wouldn't have enough time to create an excuse for my behavior.

"Then why…..?"

"Go to sleep Antonio" I muttered cutting him off. I closed my eyes and focused in ignoring Antonio's voice. A "Good night Lovino" was the last thing I hear before succumbing to my dreams.

* * *

"_You know my Lovino, your face is just like him"_

_One soft hand caressed my cheek with tenderness, but I couldn't feel anything but fear. The hand suddenly grabbed my chin and lift it up so I was seeing the woman who was owner of the hand. Soft brown hair loosed around a delicate face that contrasted with the crazy sparkle in her deep brown eyes. The eyes that my little brother had. She smiled and I trembled. _

"_My poor Lovi, you have such a sad destiny." The woman bended over me and our eyes locked. I could see all her pain, all her intentions, all the craziness, but I couldn't move and she knew it. "Why must you look like him my little son?"_

* * *

I opened my eyes and sat in the couch breathing hard. It had been long since I had a dream like that. I thought I had stopped dreaming of the past. Maybe the words of Feliciano reminding me of the date had stuck in my brain. Fucking Feliciano.

I stood up but immediately fell in the couch again. My vision wavered and I put my hand over my eyes while closing them. I touched my forehead and felt the heat that my skin irradiated. Fever again. So the prediction from Antonio had become true.

I swallowed, feeling my sore throat. Suddenly I remembered the pill that Antonio had given me. I could use it! Of course I would never thank him for it; I hadn't asked for the pill in the first place.

I stood up more slowly than before and made my way to the bathroom with my clothes under my arm. I changed to those cold clothes; later I could change to the clean set I had in my locker. When I got out of the bathroom I looked to the bed in which Antonio was. The goofy Spaniard was still sleeping and I was not going to wake him up to ask him for a glass of water that I needed to take the pill.

I looked at the clock in one of the night stands of the bed. It said 5:50. Ten minutes and it would be six in the morning. It was early but I didn't have the necessity to remain in this house. I was just someone Antonio had let stay as in a charity act. I walked over to the desk and grabbed one of the sheets that were scattered over it. With one of the pens I wrote a note. I looked at the desk when I finished and sighed. He was not going to see the note between all this mess. I took the note to the one of the night stands and left it there.

In the next ten seconds I climbed down the stairs until I reached the kitchen. I grabbed one of the used glasses in the sink and washed it. Then I purred water from the jar that was nearer and took the pill with a big gulp of water. I washed the glass again and quietly left the house.

The cold wind chilled me and caused me to start to shake but I ignored it and continued to walk towards the school. Antonio's house was not as far from the school as my own house. They were just a few blocks. After fifteen minutes I could see the school building and in five more I was inside. I ran to my locker and took out the clothes.

I went to the gym bathrooms that had showers, even though I wasn't supposed to use them, and took a bath. When I finished I could hear the sound of other students talking. I went again to my locker and put inside the clothes form yesterday. When I turned I found Feliciano there, with tears in his eyes and the big German guy called Ludwig at his side.

Feliciano immediately hugged me making me wince because of the wounds. I could see Ludwig raising one blond eyebrow at my reaction but he said nothing and I ignored him concentrating in my tearful brother.

"I'm so sorry _fratello. _I didn't want to say those things, I was angry. I'm sorry." Feliciano said.

"Feliciano." I said calmed, but he didn't listen and continued talking.

"When you didn't arrive yesterday I was….I thought you have escaped, that you were not going to return." He said in an impressive velocity.

I sighed and hugged him back making him stop his babbling. His arms increased the force around me. I could feel him trembling like a little chicken. I pushed him delicately to break the hug and looked at him in the eyes. His brown eyes were red with tears sliding down his face. The eyes were so similar to the ones that I had dreamt of. I cleaned the tears with my finger and smiled a little.

"Sorry to have worried you Feli."

"Where did you sleep?"

"In a hotel"

The lie came easily to my lips without me thinking. I was not going to tell Feliciano that Antonio had found me because he was going to ask why I had to go with him and I would have to tell him a lame excuse to hide the fact that I didn't want to go home. Feliciano nodded and flashed me a big smile.

"You're going home today right?"

"Yeah"

"I'll see you later _fratello_" he said waving his hand. Ludwig walked after him but before he turning completely he send me a glare. I don't know why he did so. I don't understand the meaning of it, but I caught a glimpse of a warning.

I frowned and walked to my class in silence. Once inside I sat in the desk and put my head between my arms. My head hurt, there was the slight possibility that I could encounter Antonio, the school had just begun, and I was feeling like a smashed potato.

Fortunately the teacher didn't say anything about my posture and left me in peace to think. But even thinking took too much energy from me. Maybe I should get another pill like the one Antonio gave me. I would if it helped me to pass the day without incidents.

The bell rang and I got up a little clumsily from my desk and grabbed my things. Thanks to God I had the wall near me to grab when a wave of dizziness made my sight go black. I went to my next class walking slowly, trying not to do any sudden movement that could make my dizziness worse. I sat in the first desk I saw free, one almost at the back, and lay in my arms again.

Okay, maybe I was feeling worse than a smashed potato. Maybe I was feeling like a little insect crushed a hundred times by a giant. But how could I tell the teacher that without having a problem like the other day? I didn't have the energy to argue and less to walk by my own to the infirmary.

"Lovino, wake up"

I opened my eyes and saw the teacher bending over me with angry eyes. It was the same one I had fought some weeks ago about being like Feliciano. Since that day she had said nothing to me in classes and I hadn't talked to her either. But I guess that sleeping in her fucking class again was an exception. I blinked a few times before raising my body to sit correctly.

"Are you feeling alright?" She asked with worried eyes. I guess I must look terrible. Without letting me answer she put her hand over my forehead and gasped. "My God Lovino you're burning. Go immediately to the infirmary."

I nodded, thankful for the order. But as I was lifting my things she talked again.

"Alfred, please go with him. He looks as if he's going to faint at any moment."

"Yes, ma'am."

A tall blond with blue eyes that I recognized as the boy who had helped me with Marcus that time in the showers got up and walked beside me in the hall. He started to blab nonsense and I ignored him as I did with Feliciano.

"You're really sick?" He asked.

What a stupid question.

"No, I'm fine."

"Of course you're not. You're going to the infirmary for a reason."

I wanted to kick him for being so obvious to my sarcasm, but I started to notice that Alfred was like that. I stopped abruptly when suddenly I could see tinny dark spots in my vision. Alfred also stopped and looked at me.

"What's the matter man?"

"I can't see." I murmured with a weak voice. I couldn't raise it more. I just couldn't. It was as if my voice was not there. My vision was full of black spots that finally cover everything. I reached with my hand for a support, grabbing the cold metal of a locker and tried to see something between the darkness. But there was nothing, only black. My body started to feel weak and my ears started to buzz. I could hardly hear the "What?" that Alfred asked. I swallowed one more time feeling my body going dumb.

"I can't see."

And I lost consciousness.

I could hear voices talking. Little by little the voices got clearer and I recognized my brother Feliciano, Ludwig and Antonio? I was about to open my eyes but stopped when their words caught my attention.

"So he was in your house?" That was Feliciano.

"_Sí. _He didn't tell you?"

"He told me he was in a hotel. I knew he was lying but he wouldn't have told me the truth even if I insisted. _Fratello _is so obstinate."

"_¿Por qué?"_

"He has always been like that. Where do you found him?"

"Near my house, walking." Said Antonio not insisting with the previous question. It was quite obvious that Feliciano didn't want to talk about it. "He was completely wet. He didn't have any intentions of going home for what I saw."

Fucking Spaniard! He wasn't supposed to tell Feliciano that!

"I know" I heard the sad tone in Feliciano's voice and my heart sank. He had always seen right through my lies. Even in that I had failed. "Why didn't he arrive with you this morning?"

"When I woke up he was gone. He left a note and nothing more. I searched for him in the morning but couldn't find him. He had a fever last night. It was obvious he was going to feel worse today. _Se lo dije, pero es tan terco." _Antonio sighed.

"He has been acting strange Marcus' accident." Ludwig said.

Okay this was going too fast. Feliciano couldn't know of the situation with Marcus. He couldn't know. He was going to be so angry, so disappointed. I was not going to be capable of facing him with that look in his face. It was too much.

"What..?"

I opened my eyes and sat in the bed breathing hard. I opened my eyes as if I was scared, which I was, to act as if I had had a nightmare. Feliciano immediately stopped talking and hurried to my side.

"_Fratello, _how are you feeling?"

I rolled my eyes at the stupid question but answered.

"Like shit."

And I was not lying. My head was pounding, I had nausea and the squeaky voice of my brother was close to tearing my ears apart.

"Why didn't you tell me you were feeling bad?" He complained.

"Lower Feliciano, you're going to break my eardrum."

"Sorry."

"So the little Italian has woken up!"

Everyone turned to see the nurse as she entered the room with a table in her hand. She walked until he was at one side of the infirmary bed and took out a pen from her coat.

"We meet again boy."

"I thought I had given you my name so you could call me by it, nurse."

"Okay, fair enough." She said with a smile. I ignored the frowns that appeared in the faces of the ones that were in the room. "Age?"

"17"

"Allergies?"

"None"

"Did you eat breakfast?"

"Ye…"

"No, he didn't" I was cut off by Antonio. Now it was my turned to frown. I guess I couldn't lie with everyone present, but I could try.

"Okay, since it's that, when was the last time you ate?"

I remained in silence under the eyes of everyone in the room. God dammit I was surrounded! They were going to detect very lie I tell. I sighed giving up.

"Yesterday morning."

Now even the nurse was frowning. What the hell. Why couldn't they mind their own business?

"Now we know why you fainted Lovino." Said the nurse with disapproval. I flinched and lowered my head. "Of course the fever was another cause. Using all your energy to fight it caused the fainting. Now listen me carefully Lovino. You're going to go out of this room, walk directly to the cafeteria and eat real food. I don't want chips and things like that, understood?"

"Yes."

"Okay, now go." She said hitting me with her pen in my head. "It would be better if one of you goes with him. To ensure he eats."

"We will all go." Said Feliciano.

I didn't look at any of them as I got up of the bed and fixed my clothes. I was too scared to see their faces. I bet they were full of disappointment, anger and revulsion.

My three body guards, as I had named them, walked at me side in silence. Two of them weren't needed. Ludwig and Antonio had nothing to do with this. So why were they in here? But as we walked to the cafeteria the fact that they were not going to go away sank in my head. Yep, it was going to be a long day.

* * *

**Translations:**

_Spanish_

_Sí _**Yes**

_¿Por qué? _**Why?**

****_Se lo dije, pero es tan terco._ **I told him, but he's so stubborn. **

****_Italian_

___Fratello _**Brother **


	11. Chapter 11

**I managed to write something! *Claps* It took a little longer than usual, but hey, I'm in exams. **

**As always any possible observation or scold about a mistake in language, grammar or anything is welcome. Enjoy!**

**_Danise Nowak_  
**

* * *

**_Ch. 11 Discovered_**

"Can you all close your fucking eyes and let me eat? For God's sake, I can't with everyone watching every damn movement I make."

I frowned looking at the three persons that were in front of me. Blue, brown and green watched me without saying a thing. That was getting on my nerves. We had arrived to the cafeteria and I had bought the menu of the day. But I could feel how three pairs of eyes watched me all the time. It was bothersome.

"We won't do that Lovino." Said Ludwig.

"Who told you to come here in the first place bastard?" I exclaimed hitting the table with the metal fork that was in my hand. "I don't want you here or you." I said looking at Antonio and then to Feliciano.

"But _fratello, _we need to watch you. What if you faint again?" said quietly Feliciano.

"That's none of your business then."

Yeah I was being cruel, but I hadn't asked for their help. I had been doing well until now. The fainting didn't count, that was just a side effect from the rain. I looked at my brother, seeing in his eyes the pain that caused my words, but I couldn't back down now.

"Stop it!"

Antonio's fists hit the table at the same time that he stood up. I jumped, startled by his reaction, and dropped the fork. It fell on the floor making a metallic sound. Antonio's eyes were locked in mine, full of anger.

"_Para."_ He hissed oblivious to the fact that he had spoken in Spanish. "Stop being so full of yourself Lovino. We are trying to help you, not harm you. Stop fighting us as if we were your enemies because we're not."

"Who says you're not?" I muttered.

"I'm your family _fratello!_ I would never hurt you." Feliciano said with tears in his eyes. I looked at him with a blank face. His face was contorted in a pained expression and his deep brown eyes were wet. With his eyes he was trying to tell me what he could not with his mouth but I couldn't trust those eyes because a pair of eyes just like those were the ones that betrayed me.

I stayed quiet for some seconds fighting the eyes of my bother. Finally I turned my eyes to the food I had in front of me and continued to eat in silence.

How could I tell my little innocent brother the truth? How could I tell him that it didn't matter if someone was of your family because they could still stab you in the back? I was the living proof that family was a weak structure that had too much importance in society. I was the living proof of the delusion that families were because I had already been betrayed by my own family.

But Feliciano couldn't know that. I wanted him to believe in that stupid lie of the wonderful things that families were; because I knew that he could transform the lie into truth. He was so pure that he could do that miracle. I couldn't. I was already stained. I could only guide him, even if it meant that I had to lie and hurt him.

An awkward silence fell over all of us. Feliciano was looking at his hands in his legs with a frown in his temple. Ludwig was looking at my brother with a worried expression and Antonio was looking at me with a blank face. I was starting to get used to having his eyes on me. He was the type of guy that didn't hesitate to observe someone that was troubling him. It was as if he didn't know of the basic etiquette people had when interacting with others.

I finally finished all the damn food. My stomach felt so full that it hurt, but I knew they were not going to let me go if I didn't eat it all. I stood up and walked to left the tray in its place. The other three did the same following me all the way like real bodyguards.

I stopped in the door and turned to see my three shadows.

"Seriously, it's really bothersome to have three guys following me around. One of you is enough."

"But who…?" Ludwig started.

"I will. We have practice in the FC Royal after school, so don't worry." Said Antonio with a big smile, the one that I had already started to miss. Well not exactly miss; it was only that it was strange not to see him with that stupid smile because it was like a part of the bastard.

"Okay" said Ludwig putting a hand in one of Feliciano's shoulders. "We'll see you later."

With that he pulled my brother through the hall until I couldn't see them anymore. I stayed with Antonio in the middle of the hall until he sighed.

"Well this as funny to me as it is for you, so can we please behave like adults?" He said extending his hand. I looked at his hand one moment before extending mine. "_¡Perfecto! _Now Lovi, let's talk while the classes begin!"

Oh God, he had returned to his goofy self.

"Of what genius?"

"I don't know. How about you tell me of yourself and I tell you of me?"

"For what reason?"

"Just to talk Lovi."

I looked at him confused. Just to talk? That was bullshit. Why would he want to know about a guy he hated?

"If so, you go first." I challenged him.

I was sure that Antonio would start talking and continue to do it until our time together was over.

"But that would be unfair. Let's say one thing each."

Shit, he was more intelligent than what I thought.

"Whatever."

Antonio smiled and started to walk down the hall with me at his side.

"_¿Qué puedo decir? _Oh, I know! Let's start with the basic. I was born in Spain and I'm seventeen almost eighteen. Your turn Lovi."

"Don't call me like that!" I said with a scowl. I already knew that information from the little time that I had passed in his house. "I was born in Italy, and as you know I'm seventeen, also almost eighteen."

"Then why are you one year below?" Antonio tilted his head to one side like a little kid with a big and confusing question in mind.

"This school didn't consider my level enough since my former school was a little…..well, not so good." I said quickly. It was one of the reasons, the one that I always gave everyone that asked.

"It must be awful"

Awful? Not really. I didn't have any friends when I arrived and didn't look bigger than my classmates so I had no problem with the year change. I never regretted not being in the year I was supposed to.

"Not really."

"It would be so hard for me if I was you. Having my school life without my friends would be impossible."

"The loud bastard and the French one?"

Antonio laughed at the nicknames I had for his friends. He nodded and continued talking about them. Apparently he had arrived five years ago to the town and met Francis Bonefoy, the French, because they were neighbors, while he met Gilbert in the football practices.

"It was an instant click between the three of us!" he said proudly. I just nodded and let him talk about his friends. As I expected he was the only one that talked. When the bell rang he looked at me with a guilty expression.

"Sorry Lovi, I didn't let you talk. I tend to ramble."

"I don't care."

He smiled a little bit at my response but said nothing. We stopped outside of the door of my class and waited till the students that were inside went out.

"I'll see you in here after your class Lovi."

"Don't call me like that" I mumbled and tried to enter the classroom but Antonio stopped me.

"I'll be waiting."

His tone was dark and contrasted with the smile in his lips. I got the message. I wasn't allowed to leave without him. It was a warning for me in case I had any plan of escaping. I nodded without saying anything and went to the last desk in the row beside the windows.

As the class started I suddenly realized that if Feliciano wanted to keep an eye on me he would most likely ask Antonio. Oh God. No. I couldn't be with Antonio more than the two normal hours of the football practice. That was too much and I barely bear it. To imagine the constant presence of the goofy Spaniard and the sound of his stupid laugh made me shiver. No. I wasn't going to allow it. But that was only if Antonio accepted, which he wouldn't. I was sure of that. Why would he? I treated him like trash, yelled at him and insulted him. A normal person wouldn't want to be with someone like me.

The class ended and I got up from my chair and walked to the door. Antonio was there leaning against the wall. I considered going inside again to a void him but he turned his head in that instant and saw me. His lips curved up with a gentle smile.

"Are you ready Lovi?"

I was seriously going to kill him if he insisted in calling me with that stupid nickname.

"Yeah"

He suddenly grabbed me from behind, putting his hands in my shoulders, and started to push me through the hall until we were outside of the school despite my protests. My muscles were tense all the time and I knew he noticed, but ignored it. He let me go once we were far from the school and started to talk.

I just listened while looking at him from the corner of my eyes. What did he want? Why was he doing this? Why did he treat me like that? I just couldn't found the answers to my questions. Antonio continued chatting as if I wasn't in complete silence.

I was surprised when we arrived to the FC Royal fields. We had arrived so fast. Or maybe I wasn't aware of the time we did because of my thoughts. I frowned as we entered the changing room. As I had never arrived early, I didn't expect it to be so crowded. I stopped beside one bench and looked at all my playmates reunited there.

They were changing to their football clothes. I hesitated, feeling the weight of my bag in my right shoulder. I knew it was normal to change in front of other boys but right now I couldn't. They would ask about the bandages that covered my body. Silently I walked to one of the bathrooms and changed my clothes.

As I walked out I felt the eyes some of them in me. I tried to ignore the stares and walked to the exit.

"Too ashamed to change in front of us Vargas?"

Gilbert's words caused a general laugh. I ignored him and walked out. As expected from a stubborn and stupid guy as Gilbert, he followed me. I heard his steps behind me and tried to walk faster, but he had longer legs than me and caught up quickly.

"Are you a girl Vargas?" He said grabbing my shoulder, but continued walking. I continued to ignore him and that caused him to try harder. "Come on Vargas; are you afraid we will rape you?"

More laughs. I closed my fist and tried to calm down. Suddenly someone pulled me away from Gilbert and I found myself between the arms of Antonio. Gilbert looked at us with a surprised face that was mimicked by all the others.

"He's a little shy, leave him alone." Antonio said hugging me tighter.

I felt my cheeks warm up and tried to get away from the goofy Spaniard but he didn't let me go. Gilbert closed his opened mouth and recovered his cool with a smirk.

"Come on Antonio, there's a limit even for shyness."

"Do I have to remember you about your first days in the team?"

Gilbert's eyes opened panicked by Antonio's words, but then he managed to laugh.

"Okay, okay. I'll leave the kid alone. _Mein Gott _Antonio, _du bist so seltsam. Warum ihn?"_

Antonio just smiled but didn't answer. Gilbert sighed and left followed by the other teammates.

It took me two seconds to realize that Antonio hadn't let me go. I could still feel the warm that his body irradiated. He was the first one, besides my brother, that had been so close to me. And I didn't like it. I tried to move but he restrained me there. Suddenly I felt his breath in my neck and I tensed.

"I can feel them Lovino." Antonio murmured in my ear. A shivered traveled through my body when I felt his warm breath on my skin as he spoke.

I knew to what he was referring. Of course he could feel the bandages under my shirt if he was hugging me so tightly. I remained still without struggling not knowing what to say.

"We'll talk later" He said and let me go softly.

I watched him walk to the field and brought my hand to my ear once he was a little far away. I could feel my red cheeks burning. The feeling of Antonio's warm breath tickling my skin was still there. I cursed myself a million times as I started to walk to the field. Not only I had been discovered, now I had a scary Spaniard in my back and the growing anger I felt because the only thing I could remember was how fucking deep and pleasant Antonio's voice had been.

* * *

**Translations**

**Spanish**

_Para **Stop**_

_Perfecto **Perfect **_

_¿Qué puedo decir? __**What can I say?**_

**German**_**  
**_

_Mein Gott Antonio, du bist so seltsam. Warum ihn? **My God Antonio, you are so weird. Why him?**_


	12. Chapter 12

**This week I was inspired! Well that and the fact that I had been procrastinating my duties with the school. cough *exams* cough So here is the next part. Hope you enjoy! **

Danise Nowak **  
**

* * *

_**Ch. 12 A friend**_

I couldn't concentrate in the ball that was between my feet. Even though I had been doing a pretty good job in the little game that Sadiq had organized between all the players of FC Royal, I was not entirely there.

It was as if my whole mind was focused in observing the back of Antonio. His words before starting the practice were still in my mind. He knew of the bandages, and that meant, if he was smart enough to connect all the threads, that he knew that I was the one to send Marcus to the hospital. He knew I was the culprit. Oh God, I could imagine his fucking eyes looking at me full of revulsion.

So all the game I avoided him, even if he was in my own team. Evidently no one noticed, except maybe Sadiq, but he didn't say anything. In fact it was really easy because I had assumed the position in the midfield while Antonio was the striker with Gilbert. We didn't need to talk; I just had to pass the ball.

In the second half I noticed Feliciano near the benches. Ludwig that was playing as the goalkeeper acknowledged him with a simple nod. I just frowned when Feliciano waved at me without saying a thing to my brother. I was still angry with him for leaving me with the annoying Spaniard. Feliciano seemed to sense my anger because he stopped waving. His eyes widened and his expression transformed in one of fear.

I turned around to see what had scared Feliciano, because it was not normal to see that kind of expression in his face, and felt as if someone had punched me in the stomach when I saw it.

The old man was standing still in one corner of the field, near the opposite team's goal, watching me attentively. I could feel his eyes piercing through me like a drill. I swallowed trying to break the sudden lump in my throat and felt how my heart started to beat faster. I looked around me and saw how everyone was concentrated in the game.

And I decided.

If I had to face the old man, I preferred it now that everyone's attention was somewhere else than later when everyone could see. I approached Sadiq and tried to calm down enough to be able to speak.

"Can I go out? I'm tired." I tried to smile, failing miserably.

"Really?" Sadiq said with a raised eyebrow. "Then do it." He gave one last warning look and then screamed to another player to enter in my place.

I started to walk to where my grandfather was but Feliciano intercepted me before. He was nervous. His hands were shaking and he was trying to hide it by pressing them together. His eyes were full of fear and … guilt?

"I'm sorry _fratello, _I didn't mean to tell him, but you fainted and then the nurse asked if I she had to call grandpa and I was so worried because you were unconscious. I didn't know what to do! I just…"

"Feliciano shut up." I told him and he obeyed immediately. "I'm not angry. I knew that sooner or later he had to know. You didn't know what to do because I was fucking passed out. I would have done the same."

"Really?" He said with hopeful eyes.

"Yeah. Now go to see your stupid German friend and leave the old man to me."

"His name is Ludwig _fratello." _He said with a laugh and I just nodded. "_Grazie_" He said quietly before running to the benches. I watched him one second and then started to walk towards the old man. I stopped two steps before him and stayed quiet. The old man also stayed quiet watching me. If someone could be near us I swear he could have been able to see the cloud of tension around my grandfather and me. It was just so fucking awkward to be standing there without saying a word, but I was so scared to talk.

"Is this the reason why you're arriving so late?" He asked in a neutral tone that scared me more than his usual angry one.

"Yeah" I lied.

"Why didn't you return home yesterday?"

I remained in silence not knowing how to say to him that I didn't want to return to that house that was more like a prison than a home.

"Feliciano called me in the morning. He said you had fainted."

I nodded looking at the grass.

"Why?"

I didn't answer. Telling him that I hadn't been eating well all this weeks would just cause a great ruckus. I just wanted to receive the usual speech with the usual words and get the hell out of this situation.

"I talked to the woman in charge of the infirmary."

_Oh shit. _

"She said it is not the first time you have fainted. She said something about not eating well." The old man grabbed me from the shoulder and squeezed it with force. "She practically scolded me, as if I was a little kid, and I had no idea of what to say because you hadn't arrived home! Because I hadn't see you in two damn weeks! And then I talk to Feliciano and discover that you are enrolled in this useless club behind my back. So, what else are you hiding from me kid?"

He shook me and made me look at him. His deep brown eyes, darker than Feliciano's, pierced through me like two daggers. But I couldn't pronounce a word and that angered him more.

"Should I call the school and ask about your whereabouts? Maybe I will learn that you are the dumbest student, that you are failing your classes, or that you are not attending? What should I expect? Because apparently it can be anything because I don't know you. Are you really thinking about what you are doing to your image? Or do you prefer to be a stupid gang kid hmmm? Oh but you remain quiet." He said with venom in his voice. "I want you out of this club for tomorrow and I will send you to a school of my choice because I, apparently, I can't trust you enough to let you attend a normal school."

"No you won't." I told him. I could feel my heart sinking but that didn't stop me from talking. He was not going to crush me so easily. He was not going to lock me in his golden cage. "I won't leave it."

"You lost your chance to decide."

"I won't leave it!" I screamed. He then slapped me across my face. I clenched my teeth to stop the tears from falling. My cheek hurt, but it only made me angrier than before. Why couldn't he understand what I wanted? What football meant to me? It was as if he didn't even try. It was then when it hit me, he didn't try, because he didn't want to. As simple as that.

"I'm not giving you a choice Lovino! You'll do what I say!"

"No I won't! You don't understand, nor want to understand, so why do I have to follow what you fucking say?"

"Because you are my grandson!"

"But you are not my damn father!"

"You never had a real father!"

At those words I stayed quiet not knowing what to say. I didn't expect him to say that. I didn't think he was capable, but he did. He had said it. That was what he thought of my father. So she was right, she had said the truth. Unconsciously I took a step back. I could feel my heart beating fast, my eyes were wide open and I probably had a surprised and pained expression in my face.

"_He doesn't like his own son, why would he like you, his grandson, Lovino?"_

"_But he writes letters!"_

"_They are addressed to Feliciano no? He hasn't come to visit right? No my little Lovi, you only have me, your mother, because no one else wants you."_

I remembered her words in that instant. She had known all along that this would happen. I had tried to ignore her words, to believe she was wrong, but after all she was right. She always was right.

"I see" I didn't recognize my own voice, so empty, so cold, and so lifeless. "If I don't have a father, then I don't have a grandfather, isn't it right? You don't need a nuisance in your busy life; I understand."

"You are exaggerating things as always boy. Don't misunderstand." He said with a sigh, as if his previous words weren't hurtful. I put my arm around my torso, feeling the bandages under the clothes. I suddenly had a strong craving of ripping them apart and scratch the wounds until they would be bleeding.

"Yeah as always" I took another step back and lowered my head. "I…"

"What's happening here?"

The loud voice of Sadiq suddenly emerged from my back. I turned quickly and saw him standing three meters away. He was frowning, which was not a good sign, and had his arms crossed in his chest.

"I was talking to my grandson."

I shivered when I heard the cold tone that the old man used, but that didn't bother Sadiq who walked until he was beside me and put a hand on my shoulder.

"I'm really sorry to say this sir, but you are disturbing my practice and one of my players, if I may add."

"He won't be one of your players anymore."

"Really? And who says that? Because I thought that Lovino was in my team because of his own decision. I think he can decide when to quit by himself."

"It's none of your business Adnan." Sais my grandfather with his teeth clenched.

"As one of my players he is, Vargas. So I would be asking you to leave."

The old man frowned but said nothing.

"Remember what I said Lovino." He said looking at me one last time before leaving.

We remained in silence for like a minute until Sadiq squeezed my shoulder and cleared his throat.

"Well boy, I expect a thank you present in my office tomorrow. Now go back to the game."

I looked at him surprised. Of course he wasn't going to ask; after all he was Sadiq Adnan the most annoying and strange person, besides Antonio, in my life. I shook my head without believing his easygoing attitude.

"I want to go home."

"You're going home with that old man? Such an intelligent decision."

That made me laugh because he was right. But I didn't have the intention of going to that house. I just had to search somewhere to stay.

"Yeah, something stupid no? But I don't have another place to go." I told him with a crooked smile. "I just have to stay in my room."

Sadiq looked at me without saying anything and nodded.

"As you wish brat, but remember to come tomorrow."

"Yeah." I muttered.

We walked to the benches where my worried brother was. I smiled at him and grabbed my bag.

"Don't worry Feliciano." I told him. "You know the old man."

"Did he say something?"

"Just the usual fight."

He hugged me and I just let him do it. I didn't have the mood to push him. He looked at me with a troubled expression in his face, which I ignored. I smiled at him.

"I'm going home. Too tired."

He nodded and let me go but I could feel he wanted to ask something. Before he could I walked out of there aimlessly. I had some money in my pocket. Maybe I could find a cheap hotel to stay or sleep in the roof of the school if I didn't.

"Hey!"

I heard the scream but didn't stop. It wasn't aimed at me. The next thing I heard was some quick steps and then a heavy breathing. I started to walk faster starting to feel nervous. Was someone following me? A robber? A drunk? A policeman? I didn't want to know.

"_¡Espera! Maldición…"_

I stopped abruptly when I heard the cursing. I recognized that stupid voice. I turned around and saw Antonio running towards me. I couldn't stop the grimace from appearing in my lips. He was the last person I wanted to see right now. I wanted some peace, and being with him only brought stress.

"What do you want Antonio?"

"Wow, I think that's the first time you call me by my name without any colorful honorifics. _¡Felicidades, has hecho un avance!" _

"Cut the crap. What are you doing here?"

"I told you, we had to talk."

"Oh yeah, the talk, of course." I muttered turning around and walking down the street. He followed me walking by my side.

"You're not going home again?"

"Your assumptions are becoming better each time genius."

"You can stay in my house if you want."

I stopped abruptly and he imitated me. We looked at each other. I was looking for some kind of joke but his eyes were completely serious.

"Okay." I mumbled and he smiled. I waited until he started walking because I didn't know where his house was.

"So tell me Lovi, why do you have bandages? Why are you hurt?" He said it with a smile but I could see a glint of satisfaction in his eyes. I sighed knowing well that I couldn't lie to him because most likely he already knew the truth.

"Fine. Your win." I said feeling suddenly all the tiredness in my body. "I fought with Marcus. I was the one to send him to the hospital. Are you fucking happy?"

I expected him to smile and be all happy because he was right, but he remained silent with a frown in his temple. Okay, he was too much. I couldn't see through him like I could with normal persons. I had to stop trying to do it because obviously it was impossible.

"It's not that I'm happy Lovi." He finally said. "In fact, I'm more worried because I can't see why you did it." He gestured with his hands to my stomach. "Did he hurt you badly?"

"No. Just some punches."

"Then why the bandages?"

"Just because I wanted."

We arrived to his house quicker than I had thought possible. I looked at the familiar kitchen and watched Antonio grab a brown bag. Then he climbed the stairs, followed by me, and entered his room.

I stayed by his door not daring to enter completely. It was obvious that he had waked up late this morning because his bed was undone and there were clothes in the floor. My note was on his desk. I swallowed and tried to ignore the guiltiness I was feeling.

"Come here Lovi. Sit."

"Don't call me like that" I muttered taking some steps until I was beside his bed, in which he was sitting with the brown bag in his hands. "Are you sure I can sit in…?"

"Just sit down" He said cutting me off. I nodded and slowly sat on the fluffy bed but leaving my feet on the floor. Antonio laughed and grabbed my feet pulling them until they were on the bed. He took out his shoes and I imitated him in silence. The next thing he did was opening the brown bag and taking out a large brown kind of stick full of sugar.

"Have you eaten _churros_?"

"No"

"Well, you have not lived then." He said offering me the brown sugary stick. I grabbed it, slowly observing it. The _churro _was hard outside but when I bite it I could feel the soft dough inside and a sweet and delicious flavor filled my mouth. I licked my lips to eat the sugar that was left there and a small smile formed in my lips.

"Delicious right?" Antonio said finishing the _churro _he was eating. "Grab more"

I nodded and grabbed another one of those delicious and curious things.

"So Lovino, tell me, who was the man you were talking to today?"

"My grandfather."

"He looked angry."

"He always is when I'm around."

"Really? Of what were you talking about?"

"Why do you want to know?"

He just shrugged and I took it as if he was just curious. I bite the _churro_ I had in my hand and chewed slowly trying to think in a way to tell Antonio something without telling him everything. Surprisingly he waited until I talked.

"He wants me to leave the FC Royal."

"What?! Why?" He exclaimed. I just smiled bitterly.

"He says it's useless."

"But you're really good! You can be a professional football player Lovi!"

"It doesn't matter."

Antonio frowned and left his _churro _on the brown bag. Suddenly he was grabbing my hand and looking at me with a serious expression.

"Lovi, answer me with the truth please."

I looked at him surprised with the sudden change of atmosphere, but nodded.

"Do you want to continue playing football?"

I nodded.

"Then do it. Don't let anyone ruin your dream just because it's useless. A dream is never useless, because it is that dream the one that gives meaning to your life. Without a dream we are nothing. Do you understand Lovi?"

I nodded again. His words dug deep in my mind. He was the first one to tell me something like that so directly. He had said it so serious, so confident. He wasn't saying it just to comfort me. He really meant it.

"And Lovi, you can stay in here all the time you want. I consider you my friend and my friends can always count with me."

I looked at him with wide eyes and nodded. A friend? After all the things I had said to him? After treating him like rubbish he considered me a friend? He was nuts, definitely crazy. But even after thinking all those things of him I couldn't stop feeling thankful, because he was the first person outside from my family that wanted to be my friend after knowing how I really was.

Maybe Antonio was not so bad.

* * *

**Translations: **

****Spanish:

¡Felicidades, has hecho un avance! **Congratulations, you have improved! **

churros **(There is no translation to this word :) 100% spanish, sorry. But if you have not tried out one, go right now and search for a place that sells them! They are the most delicious thing in the world after chocolate. I'm serious. Go and buy one. Combining them with hot chocolate is a recommendation of mine.) **


	13. Chapter 13

**Good news: I finished exams! **

**Bad news: I have the oh so important government's exam this Friday (I must do it in order to graduate from High School. *Sigh*) Yeah school exploits me...**

**Even so I won't stop writing :) **

**Enjoy the reading!**

**_Danise Nowak_  
**

* * *

_**Ch. 13 Tears and Happiness **_

I ended up sleeping in Antonio's bed while he took the couch. He said that a guest, as he called me, should not sleep in the couch. I just rolled my eyes after discussing with him for half an hour and let him do whatever he wanted. If he had decided to sleep in an uncomfortable couch, I was not going to interfere.

But even if the bed was incredibly comfortable and soft, I couldn't sleep. The time that I spent talking to Antonio had passed so quickly, and I had ended up saying so many things that I should have kept in my head. I could not involve anyone in my problems. They were too big, I was too much of a mess and I didn't want anyone to see me like that. Antonio included.

But he had the special ability to make me talk. I knew he didn't mean anything bad. In fact, I had reached the conclusion that he was one of those persons that cared too much for the ones that were around him. He was the kind of person that was always smiling because he didn't have reasons not to do it.

He was so lucky.

I sighed and decided to stop my thoughts. I wasn't going to envy Antonio. He didn't deserve such a filthy feeling. I closed my eyes and let my mind relax until I fell asleep.

* * *

"_Lovino, my beautiful boy. I know you can do it. You must do it."_

_The woman smiled and hugged the boy in her arms tighter. The little kid remained in silence, too much in shock to say something. His hazel eyes wide opened and not focused. _

"_Just do it, my boy."_

* * *

I opened my eyes and sat in the bed. I covered my eyes trying to calm down. Why again? I hadn't dreamt with her for so long, so why now? I stood up and walked to the bathroom to throw cold water to my face. I looked at my face reflected in the circular mirror that was above the sink. I had dark circles under my eyes that looked as tired as the eyes of an old person. My skin was pale; it had so little colour compared to the days when I had arrived from Italy. I punched the wall, trying not to make a lot of sound, and looked down. I hated my reflection.

"Lovino?"

I turned my head and saw Antonio sitting in the sofa while rubbing his eyes like a little kid. I almost smiled at the image because who would have thought that a full grown person like him could act like that? I got out of the bathroom and stopped beside the couch.

"Where are you?" Antonio asked in a sleepy voice.

"I'm here."

Antonio looked for me guided by my voice until he noticed I was standing beside his "bed".

"_Ahí estas. _I thought you had escaped like last time."

"Why would I? It would be impolite with the person that is giving me a place to stay. Think clearly fool."

"_Ya veo_" He muttered yawning.

"Go to sleep idiot." I murmured while pushing his head so that he could lie down in the couch. But as he was falling he grabbed my arm and pulled me with him. I ended up lying on top of Antonio with my cheeks burning and completely red.

"What the hell bastard!" I hissed. He just chuckled.

"Promise me you won't escape Lovi."

"I won't okay! Distrustful bastard."

"Good night again Lovi!"

I growled as a response and stood up. Antonio was asleep in less than ten seconds. Such an easygoing attitude he had. I returned to the bed and closed my eyes, hoping no nightmares would disrupt my sleep.

I woke up and immediately as the smell of toast and coffee reached my nose. I looked around and saw that Antonio was not in the room. I walked to the door and opened it to have a peak outside. I only saw the empty hall but I could hear the happy whistling of the dumb Spaniard coming from the kitchen. I went down the stairs and reached the kitchen's door in time to see the funniest thing I had ever seen in my life.

Antonio was kind of dancing in front of a coffee pot with a blue apron full of flowers. He was whistling a happy tune while tapping with his feet. I couldn't contain for more time my laugh. Antonio turned when he heard me and his cheeks turned deep red. I continued laughing and he just looked at me embarrassed.

"Stop laughing Lovi" He said but a little smile in his lips betrayed him. "Oh shut up!" He started laughing with me.

"You look ridiculous bastard. What would someone else say if they saw you?"

"Well it's my house; I can do and wear whatever I want."

"The goofy Spaniard rebels?" I said raising an eyebrow. He just laughed and shoved off my words with his hand turning towards the stove.

"There's only toast, marmalade and coffee for breakfast."

"It's okay" I said sitting in one of the chairs of the kitchen and grabbing one of the toasted slices of bread that were there.

"Hey! Wait for me!" He said bringing two cups of coffee. "Bad Lovi."

"Don't call me like that! It sounds as if you were calling a damn dog!"

"Then it's a cute little puppy."

"Shut up bastard! I'm not a puppy!"

I threw him my table napkin and he dodged it laughing. The breakfast continued in a more peaceful way. I washed the dishes despite the protests of Antonio. Sincerely I don't know what all his "the guest must not do a thing" thingy meant, because I was not going to let him do all the things. It was enough "kindness" with letting me stay for two days in a row.

After I finished we went upstairs to his room. Antonio insisted that I should take a shower. Honestly I do wanted to take one, but my wounds were not completely healed and any possibility of being exposed scared me like hell. But in the end I decided to do what he said, because, for God's sake, he was starting to mop like a little kid!

For the second time in my life I used his shower, taking no more than ten minutes, and re-bandaged my torso as quickly as I could.

When I got out Antonio had made the bed, fixed the appearance of his improvised bed and managed to shower in other bathroom as his wet hair showed. I raised my eyebrow with an unasked question but he just smiled and continued to arrange his clothes in the closet.

"Are we really going to school?" I mumbled.

"We must Lovi, your brother will be waiting"

"Yeah, my brother."

I walked to the door and stopped before being completely out.

"I'll be in the kitchen."

I continued walking without turning around. I knew it wasn't Feliciano's fault. After all he had done what he thought was better, but I didn't want to see anyone from my family right now. The dream and the fight with the old man had worn me out. I just wanted sometime alone. But Antonio was not going to listen. Maybe if I tell him about my reasons he would allow me to skip, but no way in hell I was going to do that. So I just had to shut up and walk with him to school like very fucking morning.

I opened the front door and observed the neighborhood lying on the frame. The sky was turning reddish with the rising sun and the fluffy clouds looked like pink cotton candy. There was a woman walking on the street with her kid besides. They were walking fast and the poor kid had to run to catch up with his mother's steps. They looked at me for a moment and then continued their way. From the house next door, an old man went out with a dog. The man had sportswear and started to run with the dog in the opposite direction from the house of Antonio.

Everything looked so normal and peaceful. Near my house there were only expensive cars with big houses and bodyguards. It was really strange to see a neighbor walking on the street. And everything felt just so tense. There was silence and an uneasy feeling all the time. Not even little kids could be seen or heard.

"Lovino?"

I turned my head and saw Antonio looking at me. I just ignored him and turned to look outside again. My peace was already destroyed. I sighed and grabbed the little bag that I had carried yesterday.

"Let's go bastard"

"What were you looking at?"

"The street." He looked at me obviously telling me with his eyes to continue. I rolled my eyes. "It's really peaceful and nice compared to mine. Now, can we go?"

"Of course" He said putting an arm on my shoulders and closing the door with his left foot. "What's so different about my street that caught your attention?"

I remained in silence for a moment. Would he understand why I liked his neighborhood or would he looked at me as if I was a freak?

"The people. The atmosphere. That's all." I mumbled.

"Where do you live?"

"It doesn't matter. Now, if we continue walking like turtles, we won't arrive to school."

"Hey! Turtles can run pretty fast you know." Antonio said with a bright smile. I just shook my head and walked faster. In an incredible turn of events, Antonio remained in silence letting me enjoy the singing of the birds and the sounds of the city.

When we were arriving to the school, Antonio stopped me.

"Lovino, what are you going to do with your grandfather? You can't avoid going home forever."

I looked at the sky not wanting to answer his question, but I knew he was going to insist.

"I don't know. Maybe I…."

"_Fratello!"_

Feliciano arrived seconds after we heard his voice. He tackled me with a massive hug and buried his head in my chest. I could feel his tears wetting my shirt. Why was Feliciano crying? What had the old man said to make my little brother cry? I was going to fucking kill him.

"What happened Feli?" asked Antonio before I could say it myself.

"It's just that, _fratello_ didn't return and then grandpa was so angry. He started to scream and curse and then I heard a loud crash. He had kicked the table that's beside the kitchen and the vase that grandma gave him broke. He was crying so much while looking at the pieces."

"Calm down Feliciano" I ordered when the speed of the words that left my brother's mouth increased. "It's just a vase."

"But I haven't finished" He said looking at me. "He blamed you, so he went to your room and, oh God, he burned all the photos Lovi!"

I looked at my brother trying to process his words. The photos. The only photos I had of our father and our mother. They were gone. The only fucking memory we had. He had burned them. I felt a stab in my heart, so painful that my whole body trembled. Then I looked at my brother and his always joyful eyes now full of sadness and tears. I couldn't break down in front of him. It would only cause him to be sadder. I swallowed and tried to smile.

"Feli" I told him in the softest tone I could manage without letting my pain modify my voice. "Don't worry. Even though those photos were important, they are only material things. The important memories are the ones you have in your heart." I wiped his tears with a finger and smiled again. He smiled a little, all his sobs gone. "That's better. Now, don't worry. He was just angry and did a stupid thing."

"You're the best _fratello"_ He said kissing my temple. "Don't listen to him."

Then he left as quickly as he had arrived. I sighed, suddenly really tired. I closed my eyes and tried to think what to do. Would it be better if I returned home? Would the old man do something if I did? Would he do something to Feliciano if I didn't? There were so many possibilities and I couldn't predict what he was capable of doing. I was so scared of facing him after what Feliciano had told me.

"Lovino"

I opened my eyes and saw the two emeralds that were Antonio's eyes looking at me full of concern. I managed to produce a little smile.

"Don't worry Antonio. These are my problems, I have to solve them. Now go to your classes."

Antonio stayed silent for a moment watching me. Then he put a hand in my cheek and stared into my eyes.

"I'm your friend Lovi, so you don't have to pretend that you are strong in front of me. I'm not your brother or your grandfather." He caressed my cheek while still staring at me. "You know Lovino, if you want to cry, then do it. Those photos were as important to you as they were to Feliciano, so don't store all that sadness inside."

I felt another twinge of pain in my chest. Why his words affected me so much? Maybe it was that he knew what I was trying to hide. Maybe it was that he could see through me. Maybe it was that for the first time in my life someone was willing to console me.

I felt the tears sliding through my face and asked myself when I had started to cry. Antonio smiled softly and pulled me to him until he was hugging my head against his chest. I grabbed his shirt and closed my eyes letting the tears fall. I felt so protected in his arms and so warm.

_Not even with my mom I felt so secure. _

In that moment I thanked God, whoever he was, for letting me meet Antonio because, maybe, he was the most important and valuable friend I was going to have and he was enough to calm my heart full of pain and fear.

"Thanks" I whispered, so softly that I wasn't sure he had heard, but the tightening of in his hug told me he had.

_Thank you._

* * *

**Translations:**

**Spanish  
**

_Ahí estas **There you are.**_

_Ya veo ** I see**_

**_(You know, in My Opinion, Spanish sometimes is easier to use than English. In Spanish you can talk of someone without telling or giving hints of the gender, while in English it's really difficult to do it. Sometimes it's really frustrating. But well...)_**


	14. Chapter 14

**I'm really sorry for taking so long. I had a really awful writer's block. D: But I managed to finish! As always reviews are welcome, and I hope you all enjoy. **

**_Danise Nowak_  
**

* * *

**_Ch. 14 Hope_**

I was sitting in Antonio's couch, a quilt over my legs and a pillow behind my back. The room was dark and I barely could see the silhouette of the bed in which Antonio was sleeping. The digital clock in one of the night stands marked 3 o'clock in the morning. I fixed my eyes in the red luminous numbers and sighed.

No, I was not going to be able to sleep again. This had happened every day since I started to stay in the Spaniard's house one week ago. And every night the guilt attacked my mind with full force awaking me in the early morning.

Of what was I feeling so fucking guilty?

It took me some time to accept the mere fact and recognize the feeling, but finally I had identified all the factors. I was feeling guilty of imposing myself in Antonio's home for so long. One fucking week was too much. For God's sake, I wouldn't even accept someone for more than two days and I had stayed for seven damn days! And he acted so calm, so composed, always smiling and telling me to stay. So I had arrived to the conclusion that it was his fault for being too good.

I chuckled with that thought. Immediately I covered my mouth and looked over to the bed. No, Antonio was still sleeping.

I lay on the couch and looked at the dark ceiling.

I couldn't stay more time. This was my last night in this fucking couch and in his damn house. I could look for a cheap hotel or something like that. I didn't matter. I just had to get out of here.

Really slowly, and trying to make no sound, I got up and opened the door of the room. Since almost every night I had this little lapse of insomnia, I had found a little perfect spot to think. It was in a little living room outside of Antonio's room that had a big window that let me look at the sky. I sat in my spot, yeah it was my spot now, and looked at the thin bright line that was the moon. In a few days it was going to disappear and the night would only be illuminated by the tiny spots that were the stars.

Since I was a kid I always looked at the sky in the night, most of the times with my dad, but I could barely remember him as a large presence beside me in those dark nights. She was the one who banned me from doing it because she said I was slacking my obligations as her son by looking at stupid dull spots. I had no option but to obey.

That reminded me. The anniversary was in two days. Feliciano and the old man expected me to come to her grave, but honestly I didn't want to. It only brought bad memories. The only right thing she did as a mother was giving birth to me. All the other things were failures, because she was too dependent of him until the point where she went crazy when he was gone.

Feliciano always says that I didn't understand her because she was a little bit stricter with me. Every time he says that I remain in silence. I know it is a lost cause to try to convince him of the contrary. He adored her and she treated him as a little prince. Feliciano didn't know her dark side. The side it was only reserved for me.

I sighed and shook my head. Those dark thoughts were not for the morning.

"I see you like that spot."

I jumped and nearly fell from my spot when I heard Antonio's voice. He was standing by his door with one hand covering his mouth to hide his yawn, not that it was working of course, and his eyes barely open. "Bastard, you nearly killed me." I hissed standing up. He just chuckled, already used to my insults. "What do you want?"

"Problems to sleep?"

"Of course not!" I mumbled. "I just woke up earlier."

"_Claro. _You should sleep Lovi, school doesn't forgive anyone."

"Fuck school" I mumbled while walking back to his bedroom. I heard him laughing in my back. Just then I decided to implement my unplanned plan. "I'm going back to my house tomorrow."

I could hear how he stopped walking, but I ignored it and continued walking until I reached the couch. Only until I was lying in my "bed" I turned to look at him. He was looking at me with a rock stone face, but I could see in his tensed shoulders that he wanted to ask me why. I decided to save him the inconveniences.

"It's time for me to go back. I can't live all my life running away."

_You're a fucking liar Lovino. You're a coward. You are going to continue running away because you're too afraid. _

I looked at Antonio with a serious face to convince him of my fake resolve. He remained in silence for some seconds that felt like hours and suddenly he was smiling.

"I see. Then you're invited to come to visit me anytime you want."

For some reason his dazzling smiled pissed me off. The easiness with which he accepted the news was so fucking frustrating, but at the same time I realized that it made my plans easier. Antonio was not going to try and stop me; he was not going to ask anything; he was just accepting it.

I didn't answer him and turned my back until I was facing the backrest of the couch. I didn't want him to see my troubled expression because even if I knew that this was the best possible situation for me, I was not happy and that bothered me.

All the way to school we remained in silence, which was normal in me but extremely strange in the Spaniard. He always talked like a damn parrot, but today he hadn't said a word. I didn't try to break the silence, but I could feel the heavy atmosphere.

"_Fratello!"_

For the first time in my life I thanked Feliciano for being so loud.

I was tackled by my brother who had a big smile in his face. I smiled back and ruffled his hair in a way to push him away. He then turned to Antonio and greeted him in the same way. Yeah, Feliciano had the stupid habit of hugging everyone. Antonio snapped out of whatever he was thinking and smiled to Feliciano.

"_Buongiorno _Antonio!"

"_Buenos días _Feli" He said and hugged him back. His eyes looked at me for a moment and then he looked at my brother. "I have to go now. Classes will begin soon. _Adios a los dos."_

"Is there something wrong with Antonio?" Asked Feliciano looking at the Spaniard's back.

"I don't think so."

"He looked tired."

A shot of guiltiness traveled through my body. He looked tired because he always woke up in the night to check me out, in case I had disappeared. I had noticed the small black bags that were starting to form under his eyes. Once more I tried to convince myself that I was doing something good by leaving Antonio's house.

I remained in my thoughts until I realized that Feliciano was not talking like he usually did. The usual blabbering was nowhere to be found. Feliciano was looking at the spot where Antonio had disappeared with his hands clenched behind him. One could think it was an innocent pose but I knew better. Feliciano wanted to say something but was too nervous to do it.

I sighed, shaking my head at the helplessness of my brother. Seriously, he could talk with everyone, even if he had just met them, but me.

"Just say what you want to say Feliciano."

He chuckled, still nervous but turned around to see me.

"You got me. You always do." He said and then he lowered his head a little biting his lip. "Are you going to come to….?"

"….her grave?" I cut him off, maybe a little bit roughly. "You know I always go."

"But I want you to go because you want, not because you have to. It shouldn't have to be an obligation."

I put my hand in his head and ruffled his silky hair. Every year he said those words to me, and every year I couldn't return his feelings and he knew it. Feliciano pushed my hand away with his own, his eyes full of anger. And I felt sadness, because I knew he was never going to understand. To do that I had to tell him, and I wasn't going to cause him more pain with my burden.

"You're an idiot_ fratello."_ He shouted. I lowered my hand slowly and looked at him. I could see how he was retaining the tears and I couldn't do anything to ease his pain because I was the cause. He ran to his class, leaving me in the hall where I stayed until the bell rang and it was too late to go to my first class. Everything was so fucking complicated.

After school I went to the FC Royal practice. It was the only time of the day where I could forget everything and concentrate in one single thing that I loved. The feeling of the ball between my feet, the adrenaline in traveling through my body whenever I shot, the happiness in my chest, all those feeling that I could not normal have or express. I enjoyed it. But the best of all was the fact that I noticed that I was getting better. I no longer doubted when passing the ball. I no longer missed a shot. I had a better perspective of the field. Little by little, step by step, I could see my longed goal nearer.

"We're finished" Screamed Sadiq to all the players. "Come here everyone."

I walked towards the coach, yeah I had finally accepted him as the fucking coach, and waited until everyone was gathered in there. Sadiq cleared his throat to get the general attention, which was stupid because everyone was already listening.

"We have the first game of the league in three days, as I hopefully think you all know. If not, surprise." He looked at me from the corner of his eyes and I scowled. Yeah, maybe I was the one that was always forgetting things like that, but not this time. "It is in the Marion High School, across the town. " Many complaints were heard. "I know it's really far away, but I'm not the one who decides; if you have any complaints, well, go with someone else. I won't listen." He looked at the members of his team until everyone was quiet again. "I want announce the players I have already though for the game. I still haven't got the complete team, but it's a start. Ludwig will be the goalkeeper, Antonio, Jake, will be defense. Gilbert, Isaq in the front. Maurice and Lovino as midfielders. That's what I got until now, the rest I will decide tomorrow so kick the ball in the practice."

Sadiq's voice started to get softer in my head since the moment he said my name. I was going to play in the first game? But I had just entered the team. Was he serious? Was he joking? It couldn't be real.

I felt a hard pat in my shoulder that made me return to reality. Sadiq was standing beside me with a cocky smile in his lips.

"You better do a good job Vargas." He said patting my shoulder one more time and turning around.

"Little Italian!"

"What do you want stupid albino?"

"Hey, no need to be so scary!" Gilbert said with a loud laugh. Antonio was beside him with a big smile that covered almost all his face. "You have to consider yourself lucky. To play in the game being a complete rookie doesn't happen every day."

"Shut up" I mumbled trying to hide my smile.

"But you deserve it Lovi!" Antonio said "You are far better than many in here."

"Enough praise bastard!" I said but only caused Gilbert and Antonio to start laughing. "From what the heck are you laughing? It better not be of me bastards!"

"Dude, it's impossible" Said Gilbert bending down. Antonio simply continued laughing and I frowned to cover the curvature of my lips.

"Seriously, stop, you bast….!"

"Lovino"

I stopped immediately when I heard the old man's voice. Antonio also stopped and Gilbert feeling that something was wrong did the same but his cocky smile was still present in his lips. I turned to look at my grandfather, who was standing behind me with a blank face. We remained in silence. No one daring to talk, even Gilbert, being an obnoxious loud idiot, was quiet. Finally I broke the silence.

"Yes?"

"We have to talk."

I rolled my eyes at his obvious statement.

"Then do it."

"I prefer to do it in the house." He said looking at Gilbert and Antonio. I sighed and nodded. My time had run out, and now I had to face whatever he was going to say. "Let's go to the car."

When I took one step, I was stopped by Antonio. He looked at me with his two emerald orbs full of concern. I knew he what he was asking even if he didn't say it.

"It'll be fine. Worry about yourself idiot." I mumbled walking away from him and his friend.

I didn't look back and continued walking towards the old man's car. All the way I could feel those two emerald eyes staring at me. Right there I wished for him to stop because I knew that that concern was only momentary and I did not want to raise my hopes in something that could disappear easily.

_But who was I kidding, I had already fallen in that hole._

* * *

**Translations**

_Spanish_

_Claro **Sure **_

_Adios a los dos **Goodbye to you two. **_

_Italian_

___Buongiorno **Good Morning **_


	15. Chapter 15

**Sorry for updating so late...Let's say my school is a little bit crazy and I am again in exams :D **

**In two weeks I will be in final exams so I am not going to be able to write much, but I will try. **

**As always, feel free to review and if you see any grammar, vocabulary or redaction mistake, let me know. **

**Hope you like it. **

**_Danise Nowak _  
**

* * *

_**Ch. 15 Remembering**_

The journey home was in complete silence. Neither one of us talked or made a move to do it. I guess that was a trait we shared. We were not persons of words like Feliciano. We had always stayed quiet and that was why we were always fighting, and we were going to continue like that, because neither of us was going to take the initiative. We were too stubborn.

He stopped the car in front of the house but made no movement to go out. I stayed in my place waiting for him to move, but he didn't. He just stayed sitting while looking at the front. The silent man in whom he had suddenly turned made me feel nervous. Why didn't he talk? What was he waiting for?

He suddenly sighed and passed his right hand over his face in a tired motion.

"This is too difficult" he muttered.

I turned to look through the window in order to hide the smile in my lips. Seeing the old man so frustrated was funny, but at the same time scary. It was not going to be the usual talk where I could lie and he would believe. I heard him sigh again.

"Lovino" He started. I didn't turn to look at him. I just waited until he started talking again. "I know…..I know we have our differences. I know you want other things completely different to those that I want for you. But try to understand that I want what is best for you. I'll respect your wishes, but try to understand me."

I could feel his gaze focused in me, but I didn't turn. He took that as a signal to continue.

"I want to understand you Lovino. I really do, but it's difficult when you don't talk. I can't read minds." Then he softly added something I had never heard him say to me. "Please."

I turned around surprised with the sudden gesture. The man that was looking at me was a total stranger. Sure, he had the same face of the old man, but his eyes were so full of pain and he looked so helpless that I couldn't stop the feeling of pity. His words meant nothing for me. He couldn't understand me even if I tried to tell him something because I knew I was never going to tell what my real torture was, but I could try to talk with him.

"I really like football." I muttered. "It's not only something that I'll do a season and then abandon."

He nodded in understanding. A tiny smile started to form in his lips when I talked. It was as if he was happy with the mere fact of me talking.

"I will not force you to leave something you like." He said kissing my forehead; my face between his two hands. "I will leave to you the freedom to choose what you want to do, but choose wisely."

I nodded. Suddenly, some of the pressure that had been installed in my chest for so long disappeared. I could continue playing football. I could continue being in the FC Royal.

"The other thing I want to talk about is the anniversary. You are coming right?"

I nodded. All the little happiness that I had had in my chest disappeared. The anniversary. Going to her grave. Seeing her photos. Remembering. I had to be prepared to face all the feelings I was going to get when doing all that.

"Feliciano….he was upset when he came home today and he mentioned it." The old man continued talking. "He said you didn't want to come."

"I'll go."

"But, do you want to?"

I looked at him in the eyes. His face was a mask of concentration, trying with all his might to decipher my blank expression. He was trying to catch every movement that my face did so that he could interpret my long silence. He was staring at me with so much force that I did what I knew best; lie.

"Of course."

"You have become a great liar Lovino" He said frowning and I did the same. "Why have you changed so much?"

I looked at him surprised. How dare he say those words. He, the one who never visited not even one single fucking time. How dare he say that I had changed when he didn't even know his grandsons until they were delivered to him.

"How can you say that I have changed, when you didn't know me when I was little?" I whispered. He tensed after hearing my words. "You've got no opinion in that matter. Only Feliciano has the right to say that, and he's not here." I maintained my face with a cold expression watching him struggle to say something, but I didn't let him. "It's late and I want to sleep. Let's go."

I opened the car's door and stepped outside of it. The air was cold, but it helped somehow to calm me. I was trying really hard not to scream at that very moment. But screaming will only make me look like a crazy bastard and could provoke the anger of my grandfather.

The door from the house opened and a dim yellow light illuminated my face. Feliciano was standing in the door frame with a worried look in his face. I walked to the door and hugged him. He was surprised, because when on earth I had started a fucking hug? But I felt how he returned it. I smiled and ruffled his hair.

"I'm home" I told him.

"Welcome back" He whispered with a big smile on his lips. He reminded me of Antonio's smile. What the Fuck. Why did that bastard come to my mind? Why did I compare Antonio's smile with Feliciano's? I shook my head frowning and started to walk towards my room. Feliciano stayed at the door waiting for the old man. I waived him goodbye before reaching the top of the stairs and opening my room's door.

It felt like I had been out of there for so much fucking time. The room felt cold, and the smell was like the one of a room recently cleaned. This was really probable due to the fact that Feliciano tended to clean everything.

I closed the door behind me and observed the room. Nothing was out of place, but I knew that Feliciano and the old man had been in there. I walked quickly towards the closet and opened the door. I searched frantically until I found a little box under a million of books and shoes. I opened it and watched the razors that lied there. The platinum edge was covered in a black substance that I knew was dried blood. My blood. I sighed relieved that they hadn't found it. I closed the box and put it back to its hiding place.

No one could know about that. It was difficult enough to lie to Antonio when he found out about the bandages. If someone, by any chance, found it, I was doomed. After all, how could I explain it? No one would listen. They would just jump to conclusions, most of them correct, and they would ignore me and my words.

I was so disgusting.

I jumped to my bed and closed my eyes. The day had been so exhausting that I fell immediately asleep. The next thing that I knew was that I had a sudden heavy weight on me and even when I tried to push it away it remained there. I opened my eyes and saw Feliciano smiling at me with an innocent look in his face that didn't deceive me.

"Get off" I murmured still too sleepy to scream or be my usual angry self. Feliciano chuckled and rolled until he was lying beside me. He hugged me and remained like that for a while.

"I missed you"

My lips formed a tight line when I thought about the nights when Feliciano lying likewise in the same bed cried because I was not there. Or maybe I was exaggerating and Feliciano was not a heavy crybaby as I thought, but the fact that he had suffered was undeniable. I started to feel something wet and when I looked down to Feliciano I noticed a little wet spot in the place where his head was. No, Feliciano was still a crybaby.

"Hey, don't cry."

"Don't leave again. Please." He said without raising his head. His hands tightened his embrace and I could feel how he was trembling. "I can't lose someone else. It'll be too much."

"I won't leave Feli. Now stop crying. You're just more sensible because of the day. Come on, let's get ready."

He nodded and followed me when I stood up. I ended up taking out his clothes and dressing him as if he was a little kid again. Feliciano wore all the time a stupid smile. It reminded me of when he was a little kid and he couldn't even tie his own shoes. After one hour we were finally ready.

The old man, Feliciano and I got into the car all wearing black suits and with our hair combed. We didn't talk in the way but Feliciano grabbed my hand and squeezed it tighter as we got closer to the cemetery. I must accept that I was just a nervous as Feliciano but instead of showing it like my brother I pressed my lips until they were a line and looked through the window.

We were not going to be the only ones there. The old man always invited, or they invited themselves, old friends of my mother and I don't know whom else. I was never interested in knowing and my feelings were the same at the moment.

The car stopped completely and I looked around. The parking was the same old gray square with white lines in the ground to indicate the parking places. All around it were big and old trees with more brown than green. Behind the trees you could see the first tombs and mausoleums of some families.

When I was little I loved to walk between all those cold stones and observe the details of each tomb. Each one was different from the other, and the words that were written in the stones had impressed my young mind. And it was the same in this moment after so many years. The magnificent stone houses decorated with solemn windows and, sometimes, scary statues kept amazing me.

Feliciano dragged me through the camp of tombs while I looked around. We stopped in front of a big stone structure that had been built with a roman style. The entrance was a huge arch with two Corinthian columns, one at each side, and two angels sculpted in the upper side of the arch. Besides, there were two long windows with the same style of arches. The roof was a big triangle and in the middle there was written in huge letters _Vargas Family. _

This was the mausoleum of my family. This was where my mom rested, my grandmother, my great-grandparents and everyone that was part of the Vargas family that wanted to be in there. My father was not there because he had died in Italy. I never understood why the old man didn't bring his remains to this tomb. It was really easy, like he did with his parents and his wife, but he didn't do it.

_He doesn't love his own son. _

I remembered her words and frowned. I knew she was right but I didn't want to accept it.

We entered the dead house and the smell of burned wax, flowers and incense attacked my nose. Feliciano and I wrinkled our noses at the smell but said nothing. Fortunately there was no one there yet, only the three of us. The old man was right in front of us with a bouquet of white flowers in his hands. We walked until we had passed three hallways and stopped at the fourth. We turned left and there, between shinny candles and withering flowers, was the tomb of my mother.

There was a huge photo of her smiling face. Her long brown hair fell on her face with beautiful curves making her face longer. Her eyes shined and her smiled was so bright. At her side, in the photo, was my father. He had one arm around her waist, obviously pulling her towards his body and a small smile in his lips. The photo was taken before either of his two sons were born. They looked so happy, especially her, and that made me mad. I couldn't remember my father so my memories were only of the time I passed with her and she never smiled like that.

The old man kneeled and put the flowers in a stone shelf near the floor. Feliciano did the same to deposit whatever he had in his pocket. He looked at me while kneeling as an invitation to do the same. I shook my head and he frowned but said nothing. Slowly, I started to take steps back until I was again in the main hall that guided you to all the other Vargas tombs inside the Mausoleum.

I walked around looking at the inscriptions in the wall when a sudden movement near me made me jump. I managed to suppress the scream that had formed in my throat and looked at the moving object there.

Why the fuck was Antonio here?

The unmistakable figure of the Spaniard continued walking through the hall until he reached me. I looked at him without talking. He did the same. His typical goofy smile was gone, replaced with a solemn expression. He was wearing a black suit and had some flowers in his hand.

Feliciano appeared out of nowhere and walked until he was by my side.

"Thanks for coming Antonio." He said with a little smile. I looked at my brother in shock. He had invited him? "Yes I did." Feliciano said answering my unspoken question.

"Why?" I muttered while clenching my fists.

"Why not? He is a friend, and I invited him." Feliciano turned to look at me with a confused face. "Why do you care anyway? You don't want to be here."

My eyes opened a fraction of a second because of the surprise caused by his words, but I regained the control a little bit after. He was right. I didn't want to be there, so close to her while everyone was around, but that didn't mean that everyone could come. I had enough with the stupid strangers that came proclaiming to have been friends of her. More important, I didn't want anyone to see me if I broke down.

"I see" I said and started to walk towards the exit. "Do whatever you want then. Enjoy the visit."

"Lovino" Feliciano hissed when he heard the sarcasm in my voice. I ignored him and walked faster until I was outside. Instead of going to the car, I ran until I was in the middle of the cemetery and then I started to look for a specific structure. I found it a little bit after when I saw a tall white mausoleum in the distance.

Every year I searched for that specific mausoleum, because it was always open, and waited there until it was dark. Why? Because, contrary to what Feliciano thought, I always came to greet her at her grave. I just didn't want someone to see me, so I waited until the cemetery was soulless and went to the Vargas' dead house.

It was a kind of masochism, because I didn't want to be near her, but I craved to sit before that stupid photo and talk with the stone. She wasn't there but I could recreate perfectly in my mind what she would say if she was alive. I came every year to remember my sin, because only with her I could breathe somehow with more freedom.

I fell asleep in the cold stone and when I woke up it was already dark. I walked slowly until I reached the Vargas' Mausoleum and entered. There was no one there. The old man's car was not in the parking. Like every year they had left after searching uselessly for me. Every step echoed in the stone walls. There were little lamps in the ceiling to illuminate the main hall, but the secondary ones were totally in darkness. I didn't need a light to guide me. I knew exactly where her tomb was. I even knew the amount of steps I had to take from the entrance to her grave.

I turned left in the right corridor and stopped walking until I was before her photo. I could faintly see it due to the hall's light. I sat on the floor and looked at the photo. My hands reached for one of the flowers and immediately I started to tear the petals.

"You were right. You are still right." I muttered without looking at the photo anymore. Instead my eyes were locked in the flower that I had in my hands. "I wonder how you knew it. Did you saw yourself in me? I bet you did, that's why it was only to me that you said those things. You recognized Feliciano as someone that was free. You were protecting me because it was too late for me." I stopped the process of tearing the petals for a moment and then started again. "But I'm glad. He is happy. He can be happy."

_You look everyday more like him, my little Lovino. _

"Look at me. I can almost hear your voice and your words. I knew you so well that it scares me how accurate I can be when I imagine you talking. I can almost hear you pleading me again. I have even started to do the same as you." I threw the stem of the flower towards the photo. All the white petals were on the floor. I took a handful and squeezed them. "It is always going to be my sin." I raised my hand over my head and looked at the tiny petals while they fell. "Because I said yes when you…."

I froze mid-sentence when I saw two figures standing in the hall. I could see who they were because the faint light of the lamps fell over them.

Feliciano was the first one to move, taking a step inside of the corridor. I observed attentively his movements searching for a route to scape, but the body of Antonio covered the only exit I could take. I cursed under my breath and stood up.

"_Fratello…." _

Feliciano's voice was trembling. I was sure he was crying. For how long had they been there listening? For how long? The words I said. Those were words that no one should listen. They were words that only her phantom could receive.

"For how fucking long? How much did you listen?" I asked. Feliciano froze and looked at me with pleading eyes. I turned to look at Antonio instead knowing that Feliciano was not going to talk. "For how long?" I repeated.

"Since the beginning."

My heart sank when he said those words. They had listened. I felt my body as it froze and my eyes focused in the light coming from the hall. Someone had listened. I jumped when Feliciano's hands touched me. My eyes turned towards him. Pity. He was looking at me with pity.

"Don't you dare to look at me like that." I hissed. He jumped at my tone but grabbed my right arm again despite my obvious anger.

"Why were you saying those things _fratello_? Why did you come all alone to see her? You do this every time right? Why do you want to be alone?"

He took my face between his hands and forced me to look at him instead of letting me go as I had hoped. The only thing that changed was his expression that turned from worried to angry.

"She hurt you, am I right?"

I could see Antonio slowly getting closer. I was sure that it was that bastard the one who had convinced Feliciano to stay until dark. He was the only one that could have guessed my plans.

"Answer me." Feliciano demanded.

"If I say yes would you let my face go?"

Feliciano nodded and immediately retired his hands from my face. I sighed, suddenly really tired, and put one hand over my eyes.

"What did s….?"

"Are you happy now Feliciano?" I cut him off before he could finish his question. "Because if you for some reason learn the truth, you won't be happy anymore. Do you really want to sacrifice it? Because I can't do that to you. I won't be the cause. So please leave it like that." I lowered my head until my hair covered part of my face. "I don't want to remember." I said softly. It was a fucking lie, because I was remembering all the damn time. The stupid memories were always torturing me, but he didn't know that.

"Let's go back" Antonio suggested talking for the first time in the long period of silence that followed my words. I nodded. "Come on"

He put gently a hand over my shoulder and pushed me towards the exit. Feliciano lowered his hands and remained in silence, but I knew he was not happy; He wanted to ask, he wanted answers and he was not going to get them. I was not going to give them to him.

In the dark park I could see a single car; I supposed it was form Antonio. Feliciano got inside at the back part of the car without saying a word leaving me to the co-driver seat. We arrived quickly to our house. The car stopped and Feliciano opened the door immediately, but before stepping out he looked at me.

"I'll see you inside."

With those words he was asking, but more like ordering, me not to escape to Antonio's house. The Spaniard also received the hint because he tensed, but managed to produce a smile when Feliciano told him goodbye. We stayed in the car in silence. He did not ask me anything. It was as if he was enjoying the silence.

"You are not going to ask?" I murmured without looking at him.

I heard him sigh.

"I'm not going to force you to tell me Lovi. I'm your friend not your mom." I winced at his words and he immediately started to apologize. "_Mierda. Lo siento Lovi. _Bad choice of words." I nodded and he sighed relieved. "You understand what I'm saying right Lovi?"

"I don't. I don't understand why you are like that" I muttered. "I've done nothing more than bad things to you. How can you consider me a friend? It's illogical. Only stupid persons do that."

I felt his warm hand suddenly in cheek. I turned to look at him with frightened eyes. Antonio smiled and my heart started to beat faster. Why was he looking at me like that?

"Maybe I'm a stupid person Lovi." He said softly while leaning a little. I remained still in my place watching him move. His thumb caressed my cheek and I could feel the trail of heat it left in my skin. I felt how my cheeks started to get hotter, but I couldn't move because Antonio's emerald eyes had me trapped.

He was looking at me with such intensity that all the things around me disappeared. I tried to understand why he had captured me like that, but I couldn't think. I could only picture me as a little mouse looking at a snake's eyes before being eaten. Little by little, and without noticing, I pressed myself to that warm hand.

"Lovi…." Antonio. His lips moved almost imperceptibly and I found myself looking at them.

I jumped and got away from him when I realized what I was doing. I opened the door in a hurry and the cold air of the night attacked my face. I shivered after losing the warmth of Antonio's hand but ignored it and stepped out. Antonio was looking at me with sad eyes; his hand was still extended towards the place that I had abandoned. I turned my back to him, only able to see a tiny sad smile in his lips, and ran to the house.

What the fuck was that?

* * *

**Translations**

**_Spanish_**

_Mierda **Shit**_

_Lo siento Lovi. _ _**I'm sorry Lovi **_

_****_**Curious fact: Every update there are less translations. **


	16. Chapter 16

**I'm really sorry for taking so long to update. I had so much work in school :S I have three more days of classes until I start finals, which is a good thing, except for the fact that I will be too busy to write. So I think the next update will be in two weeks? **

**Thanks for the reviews! :) It really makes me feel better to see them. I can actually say, "Hey you are not such a crappy writer as you thought" **

**I hope you like this. **

**_Danise Nowak _  
**

* * *

_**Ch. 16 A new friend**_

I locked myself in my room ignoring the desperate calls from my brother. I was mentally scarred and extremely confused. The memory of the bright eyes of Antonio looking at me with so much intensity and the thought that crossed my mind at that moment scared me. I didn't want to admit what I had thought. It was so wrong. It was such an abomination. If I wasn't a filthy human being before, now it was confirmed.

I made myself a little ball under the covers of my bed and closed my eyes. I wanted to forget, but I had never been good at it. Everything was inside of my head and it was continuously popping to my mind whenever I got distracted.

The pounding in my door ended. Feliciano had given up. I had to recognize he had a lot of determination, but it was useless against my current state. I shook my head and tried to calm my thoughts to sleep. I took some time but at last I could.

When the morning came I opened my eyes and watched the faint light that passes through the covers. I stayed still in that place. I could feel the sheets under my face getting wet and I realized I was crying. I moved my hand until I was touching my cheeks and could feel the softness of my skin. I could feel my heart beating painfully in my chest and the enormous feeling of desolation that suddenly attacked me. Today was not a good day. I was one of those days when I couldn't act normal because the sudden feeling of loss was so big.

"I'm not going to school" I mumbled while closing my eyes.

A soft knock in my door made me open them again. Slowly, I uncovered my body from the covers and walked to the door to open it. My grandfather was the one waiting in the other side with my stupid brother hiding behind him.

"You are not ready yet?" He asked in a casual tone. I could almost hear playfulness in his words. I looked at my brother, who hadn't moved from his spot behind the old man. He smiled a little bit but I could see he was feeling guilty. Of what, who knew? But that smile was never good news.

"Sorry." I mumbled.

"Take your time boy, and meet us downstairs in fifteen minutes."

I nodded and closed the door. Now I had to go to school. My plans of staying home all the day were ruined. Why did the old man suddenly check me? Maybe Feliciano told him something about yesterday. If he did I was going to kill him. No, that was not enough misery. Something more…..lasting maybe.

I chuckled darkly before entering the shower.

I winced when the hot water burned my skin and wounds. I hadn't checked the cuts in a long time so it surprised me that some were scarred. But some others were red and had a little bulge around the cut. Infected. They were fucking infected. How could that happen? Well, it was not a big mystery. The week that I had stayed with Antonio I hadn't cleaned the wounds properly because I was afraid I could leave any hint of blood that could tell Antonio something was wrong. Fuck, they were going to leave some nasty marks.

I sighed and grabbed the soap to start cleaning the wounds. It hurt like hell. After all I had to reopen the wounds to clean them of all the pus. The water had turned red and a metallic smell had attacked my nose during all the process.

When I finished, I replaced the bandages and put on whatever I found that combined. Downstairs I walked to the kitchen, sure that they would be in there. And I was right. Feliciano was placing something inside of the refrigerator while humming a happy melody. The old man was sitting in a chair that was around the table with a coffee cup in one hand and a newspaper in the other.

They both looked at me when I entered. The old man put on the table the newspaper and nodded to acknowledge my presence.

"There's some coffee left if you want."

"Yeah" I muttered walking to the coffee machine. When I turned around with my cup in hand there was a dish with eggs and toast in the table. I raised an eyebrow. The old man shrugged and then looked at Feliciano. Of course it had been Feliciano, who else? I sat and started eating murmuring a thank you when I finished. Feliciano smiled a little, but still too afraid to actually engulf me with one of his hugs like he usually did.

"Have a good day boys" The old man said before walking out of the kitchen. I heard the sound of his car when he was driving away from the house and then I turned to look at Feliciano. He managed to produce a little smile.

"What did you tell him?"

"I….I just told him that you weren't answering the door."

"You didn't tell him anything from yesterday, right?"

"No, I swear I didn't"

I nodded and emptied the coffee cup in one gulp.

"Let's go then."

During all the way to the bus stop Feliciano tried to talk to me like he usually did, but the lack of response from my part made him quiet. He walked by my side with a sad smile in his lips and looking at his feet. Meanwhile I was trying to suppress the pain of a fucking headache that I had. The pain was going to escort me all the day; I could feel it. Fuck school. Even if Feliciano was there I was not going to that torture today.

We arrived to the bus stop and seconds later the bus stopped in front of us. I let Feliciano get on the bus and remained standing beside the stop signal. Feliciano felt the absence of my body and turned around. He looked at me from the other side of the window and opened his mouth just when the bus started to move. I saw how he tried to get down of the bus, but once it started moving, it was not going to stop until reaching the school, which was the next stop.

I felt a little bit guilty for a moment, but then I threw the feeling away. It was just one day that I wanted something peaceful and different from the stressful life in school. I started to walk through the streets trying to think of a place where I could pass the time. I remembered the library I once fall asleep. Yeah, that was the perfect place.

I arrived at the library a few minutes after and entered. Inside you could only hear the sound of pages turning; the rest was silence. It felt so peaceful that a little smile appeared in my lips. I searched for one of those comfortable puffy armchairs and then searched for a book. I found one interesting, and a little bit big, book that talked about a little girl disguised as boy in a kind of Chinese court. I had chosen well. After reading some chapters I arrived to the conclusion that the book was really interesting. I had to remember to buy it. But even with all the enthusiasm that I had, my eyes started to close. I tried hard to stop the sudden attack of tiredness but everyone knows that it's fucking impossible. I ended up losing and little by little I lost the awareness of reality and fall asleep.

I opened my eyes and the first thing I noticed was the warmth. I looked at my body and found a quilt over me. My book was closed and lying in a little table that I swear wasn't there before. I started to panic a little and stood up quickly grabbing the quilt. The fluffy white cotton made me want to sit again and sleep some more, but I knew I couldn't. The sun was setting and I needed to go home.

"You have woken up!" said a cheerful voice behind me.

I turned around and observed the girl that had talked. If I remember well, she was the one who had woken me the last time I came here. She had short strawberry blond hair and two big olive green eyes. She was a pretty girl, really pretty. She was looking at me with a kind smile, but the curiosity could be seen miles away in her face.

"Did you enjoy the nap? You were sleeping so deeply that I just couldn't wake you up." She said with a little smile that somehow made me had a _déja vu_. I looked down embarrassed and my eyes locked in the white quilt. Most likely it was from her. Fuck.

"Is this yours?" I muttered raising the quilt without looking at her.

"Oh, yes." She said simply, not even asking for me to return it.

We stayed in an awkward silence. Well at least for me it was, but she didn't look uncomfortable at all. She was looking at me attentively as if I was a lab rat. Did I look so horrible? Was she angry for me falling sleep again? I doubt that she could remember me, but there was always the possibility. Oh God. That's why I hated going to places and interacting with people. It was so fucking difficult.

"I…"

"What's your name?" She cut me off getting nearer and taking the quilt from my hands. I could feel the blush in my face, so I lowered my gaze until my bangs covered my whole face.

"Lovino" I mumbled. "Lovino Vargas"

"Well hello there Lovino! I'm Emma."

I nodded and looked at her. She was smiling and looking at me with friendly eyes. Emma didn't look like the kind of girl that would work in a library. She was bright, enthusiastic, happy and good looking. Why would she work in a place like this?

"This is the second time you come Lovino. Both of them I have found you sleeping." Emma smirked but pointed to the book. "At least this time you were actually reading."

"I'm sorry." I said quickly. "It's just that this place is so damn comfy and then I was tired. The book was interesting, believe me, but I just couldn't avoid my eyes from closing. Fuck, sorry."

"Easy boy." She said laughing. "I was just teasing you. Actually you look tired."

Her hand was suddenly touching the skin under my eyes. I flinched at the sudden touch and closeness of our bodies. I was not used to being touched so easily. For God's sake, why was she so spontaneous? But even with my obvious reaction, she continued touching my face. She had ignored it!

"You've got bags under the eyes. Not sleeping well?" She asked worried. I nodded looking at her with suspicious eyes. Why was she so concerned? I have just met her, officially of course, and she was already acting as if she had known me for all my life.

"Sorry for doing that so suddenly." She said stepping back. "It's just that you look…"

"Like shit, I know."

She laughed.

"I was not going to use that word, but I guess it covers the space."

I frowned. Well, who could have guessed? She was stupidly honest. My gaze travelled through the library and I found that almost everyone was gone. The place was really quiet and at the distance I could hear the tic of a clock. I looked worriedly at the sun, seeing it getting lower in the sky.

"What time is it?"

"6 o'clock"

"Shit. I'm late."

"Then don't worry your parents Lovino" She said with a smile. "Go home, but remember to return. I enjoyed your presence and it's good to have company from time to time."

"Thanks Emma" I said nodding and dashed through the door towards my house.

Feliciano didn't say a thing when I arrived. He just looked at me with sad eyes and sighed. It was time for him to realize that even if he was my brother I was never going to open to him. With those kinds of thoughts I entered my room, but I could still feel a little pinch of guilt that I immediately forgot when I saw a white paper lying on my bed.

I took the paper and sighed after reading its content. This was so typical of that stupid Spaniard. Who else would write a letter to reprehend me for missing a school day? I threw the paper, now turned into a little ball, to the trashcan and proceeded to do some homework that I had not turned in for some days.

The old man found me sitting in my desk with a concentrated look in the face when he entered my room. I barely acknowledged his presence with a quick look. He let me be and left without saying anything. For the first time in my life I thanked Calculus. I didn't know if Feliciano or the school had told him about my little escape, but he didn't say anything so I could breathe in peace.

The following days I followed a new found routine. I went to school with headphones in my ears and the music in the highest volume. Like that, Feliciano couldn't talk to me, and I couldn't hear him, so the communication between the two of us was null. I went through all my classes, never stopping to talk to someone and being the first one to exit the class. Like that, I didn't see Antonio or any of his stupid friends. Then, I went to practice. Sadiq was treating us more like Spartan soldiers than the kids we were, but I guess he was nervous with the coming game; not that he would accept it. The only time I joked about it he looked at me in the eyes with a serious expression and told me.

"_Being nervous is just for weak people Vargas."_

He didn't fool me, but I let him believe that I believed him.

And after those extenuating practices I went to the library. Emma was always happy to receive me and talk to me. She confessed that working there, where there was almost no one of her own age or close at least, was really lonely and boring. That didn't mean she was the same age as me. After insisting a lot, and she being as stubborn as I normally was, I got her age. She was 22 and was going to college, but this semester she was taking a break of her medical studies because she needed money. Her brother, the owner of the library, had hired her. I don't know why he didn't help her with the money. If I was her brother I wouldn't like my sister to stop her studies for something as stupid as money, especially if I could help her.

"Aww Lovino, you are so cute. You don't have to be angry with my brother." She said when I told her what I thought. "He wanted to do what you just told me, but I insisted in working."

_I'm not fucking cute. I'm a boy. _

"Why?"

"Because I don't want to feel so dependent of him." She said poking my nose. It was a tic she had gathered and I could do anything to stop her, because she was a girl; I just couldn't snap with a girl. "I think you understand this."

Yeah. As I had managed to learn something about her, she had managed to learn about me. It was not as if I had told her everything. Fuck no. I would never tell anyone the complete truth, but I told her about my grandfather and my brother and what he wanted for my future.

"You don't want to do what your grandfather has already planned for you, because that would be too easy right?"

_Kind of, but not as she put it. _

"You want to make your own way, with what you like, with your own efforts."

I nodded understanding that part.

"You see! We are kind of the same Lovino!"

She hugged me and for the first time in many days I smiled. Her eyes opened when she saw me and I lowered my face in embarrassment.

"You smiled! Oh my God! I need to take a picture of that. Do it again!"

"Hell no!" I said trying to run away from her. She ran after me with a camera in her hands. From where had she gotten that? I ran between the shelves. Luckily there was no one in the library at this hour so we could scream, talk and run as much as we wanted. I was just two meters away from the door. I just had to reach for the doorknob and I could be free of the maniac smiling girl that was chasing me when I felt her hand grab my arm.

"Fuck!" I screamed as he fell to the ground. She was laughing so hard that my lips curved a little. I saw a flash and my smiled immediately disappeared. She was sitting by my side with the camera in her hands and directed towards me.

"Erase that!"

"Nope"

She stood up and ran to the main desk. I heard a little twinkle from the little bells that Emma had hanged in the entrance door. Emma and I turned to look at the newcomer while I stood up quickly from the ground, but when my eyes saw who was standing there in the doorway my heart froze.

"Antonio! Francis! It's a miracle to see you in here" said Emma said with a smile that only the French man returned. Antonio ignored the girl with his gaze fixed on me.

"Lovino? What are you doing here?" said Antonio.


	17. Chapter 17

**It is really funny how when you have a lot of things to do you got these wonderful ideas for your history. I'm really glad that I could write them before my next exam. It is a little (lot) bit longer than usual, but I guess that will make you all happy, so enjoy! **

**_Danise Nowak_  
**

* * *

_**Ch. 17 Surprise**_

"Antonio" I said stuttering.

Emma looked from Antonio to me and then back to Antonio. A wide smile appeared in her lips. That was not a good signal. Before she could open her mouth I talked.

"Hey, we haven't seen each other in school, don't we?"

That was the stupidest thing I could have said, but I didn't excel in creativity. I saw how Francis raised one of his golden eyebrows at my words. But the funniest reaction was Antonio's. He just looked at me with this dumb expression that screamed his literal confusion. And everyone has to understand that I tried, I really tried not to laugh, but his face looked so hilarious.

After some seconds, yeah, I couldn't resist more; I broke the silence with a loud burst of laughter that only caused an amused expression in the French man and anger in the Spaniard. But I was not alone; Emma also started laughing with me. We continued like this until Antonio reached his limit.

"Why are you laughing? _No entiendo._"

This caused Francis to join us. The poor Spaniard was confused to the sudden reaction of his friend. He frowned and pouted looking at the three of us while we laugh.

"_¡Basta, basta, basta!" _He said stomping with his feet the ground. Right now, he really resembled a little kid_. "¿De qué carajo se están riendo? No es gracioso."_

The fact that he started to babble in Spanish only amused me. I hadn't heard him talk in such a continuous way in Spanish. His accent, so fucking strong, sounded funny but fitted extremely well his image. Even though right now he was pouting and looking at us like a little kid, his deep voice showed how damn mature he really was. Then, one thought crossed my mind. So, he started to talk in his native language when he was confused? Interesting. Wait. Why interesting? Why was I thinking these things?

Francis stopped laughing, but the laugh could be still seen in his blue eyes. He smiled slyly and approached his friend until he passed one arm over his shoulders.

"I didn't know that the great Toni could act like a little kid"

The Spaniard rolled his eyes at his words but said nothing still looking at me. Seeing that this was directed to another round of awkward silence, Francis decided to step in.

"So Emma, from where do you know the little Lovino?"

Emma ignored the sudden flow of curses that left my mouth towards Francis, who just stuck his tongue out and giggled.

"I met him here. I always found him sleeping"

"Two times only!" I squeaked indignantly. "They were just two fucking times. Jeez"

"I didn't know that you liked to read that much" Antonio commented darkly. Why was he angry? It was not as if I had hid the information from him. Well yeah, I had been avoiding him at school and after the FC Royal practices, but….fuck…. But anyways, it was not my obligation to tell him everything I did. He was not my brother, to whom I didn't tell anything, family or a close friend. Maybe I considered him a friend, but that was it. He was not a close friend, right? How do close friends were like in any case? He didn't fall in that category, right? Oh my God, this was so complicated. That's why I didn't like having some sort of relationship with others.

"You didn't ask" I told him whilst my thoughts ran wild.

"He has such a weird taste" Emma commented. "One day he is reading a book from a Chinese court, then he is reading of Renaissance art and then he changes to history books. I have to say Antonio; you two are such a good match. I can never tell what you will be reading the next time."

Both, Antonio and I, turned red at her words. Francis smirked and I sent him a dark look. I had never expected to be compared to someone as Antonio. That was madness. We were completely opposites for God's sake.

"That's stupid" I murmured. Emma looked at me with confused eyes, but I didn't let her get any further. "The sun is setting, I must go home."

"It's already so late?" Emma said with a pout. "Well then, I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Sorry, I have something to do."

"Why don't you just tell her you have a fucking football game?" Antonio snapped. I looked at him surprised. It was the first time I had heard him swear to me directly.

"You are in the same team as Antonio?" Emma asked incredulously as if she couldn't feel the tense air between Antonio and me. "Wow! Then I can go and cheer for the both of you!"

"Yeah" I said still not completely recovered from my surprised. Antonio looked at me with angry eyes for a moment and then turned to Emma.

"Don't take too long to return home Lovino. Your family will be worried if you don't arrive."

I clenched my teeth to stop any hurtful words from escaping my mouth. I was not going to snap in front of Emma. She didn't have to see me like that. I didn't say anything to him and went directly to the door.

"Disgusting Spaniard" I hissed softly before going out.

I arrived to my house fifteen minutes later and went directly to my room. The old man and Feliciano were in the kitchen, a place where it seemed was their second home, and only heard when I slammed the door. I kicked one of my night stands and then regretted it when my foot started to hurt. Stupid Antonio. My day had been excellent until he showed up. This was the reason why I had avoided him. He had the fucking talent of making me extremely angry.

I groaned and let my body fell in the bed. It was so fucking frustrating to deal with that stupid person. I covered my eyes with my arm and remained there in silence. I heard a small knock in my door.

"Lovino, can I come in?"

"Yeah"

Feliciano entered my room and closed the door quietly. I felt the bed sinking to my brother's weight when he sat beside me.

"Why are you angry _fratello?_ Something happened?"

"I hate that fucking Spaniard."

I could almost see how he tilted his head to one side in confusion before realizing from whom I was talking about. It took longer than I expected, but it was Feliciano.

"Ah, you mean Antonio?"

I nodded. Feliciano chuckled, from what, it was a mystery for me, and started to stroke my hair. I relaxed under his touch and closed my eyes. Feliciano was the only one that could do that. Not even my mother, or father did it.

"Why are you angry with him?"

"He got angry for nothing" I muttered. Feliciano remained in silence waiting for the rest of the history, which I told him. I felt how he laid at me side, but his hand never stopped stroking my hair.

"He was just jealous _fratello."_

"Why would he be jealous?"

"He is your friend right? Seeing that someone else that has known you for just some days knows more of you than him, must have bothered him."

"That's stupid."

"That's how humans are Lovino. You will understand one day."

"It's still stupid"

Feliciano laughed and hugged me. Now it was my turn to stroke his hair.

"You are not used to it. That's all."

I opened my eyes and looked at my brother.

"I don't want to get used to it. Life is much simpler without all those complications."

Feliciano looked at me. When our eyes met I could see that he was worried by my words and I couldn't blame him. There were not the words of a normal human being. They were something completely strange for someone who was as social as him.

"Simpler doesn't mean better" He said. "You can't expect your life to continue as you have lived it until now. The world will move and you will be forced to move with it."

I closed my eyes and buried my face in his hair.

"I don't want to move forward."

I felt how he tensed at my words, but he didn't say anything. We remained like that for some minutes until he stood up, kissed my forehead and left my room. Once I was alone, I felt how my eyes started to shed tears. Soft sobs filled the room and I didn't do anything to stop them. I felt so useless, so weak and so tired.

I reached for the bandages under my shirt and pulled until I could feel the lines of the cuts. Ignoring the pain, I scratched them until I felt something liquid and sticky between my fingers. I opened my eyes and looked at my fingers. They were stained with red.

I knew it was easier and less painful to just grab the razors I had hidden and cut again, but I couldn't. I had tried, but my hands didn't stop shaking. I couldn't bring myself to do it and I felt like a fucking coward.

I put my stained hand on my face knowing red marks would remain there and closed again my eyes. I hated when I felt so helpless. I couldn't do anything against the void in my chest and the loneliness that attacked me. I could only cry and hurt myself in an attempt to reduce the pain in my chest. But I always failed.

I don't know when I fell asleep, but when I woke up it was already morning. I stood up quickly, earning a round of dizziness, and looked at the mess I had left. A big brownish stain was visible in my bed sheets. My shirt was completely ruined due to the blood, because I doubted the big brownish-reddish spot that almost covered all the front part would go away. I grabbed the sheets and folded them. I would put them in the washer later.

I looked at the clock. I still had some time. I entered the bathroom and looked at my image in the mirror. It thrilled me. My face had five long red marks that resembled my fingers. I shook my head and proceeded to bath.

Today I had to forget everything and concentrate in the game. I grabbed my school bag, emptier than a tramp's pocket, and the bag that contained my football things. The old man and Feliciano were at the kitchen doing breakfast. We ate in silence Feliciano looking at me all the time. When we finished the old man cleared his throat to get our attention.

"Your aunt will arrive today."

"Aunt Agnese?"

"Yeah. She called me yesterday."

I tensed immediately. Agnese, my mother's sister. The only living relative I had beside the old man. She hated me. The last time we had seen her was at the funeral. She had screamed at me for hours before someone noticed. I didn't want to meet her again.

"We will go to the game if we can."

I looked at the old man afraid. What? He was going to take her to my game? Why? It was not fucking fair. I wanted my first game to be peaceful. I had enough stress. Why adding more?

"No"

Feliciano and the old man looked at me when I suddenly talked.

"Don't you want us to go?" The old man asked confused.

"I don't want her to go." I muttered. This didn't please my grandfather.

"If we can, we will go." He stated.

I felt my hear sinking, but didn't say anything. I stood up and grabbed my things. As I was exiting the kitchen I heard the old man talking to me.

"Why do you take that attitude? If you don't want her there just fucking say it! Is it so difficult boy?"

_Boy, again with that nickname. As if he couldn't remember my name. _

I left him talking alone and marched through the road towards the bus stop. Feliciano reached me ten minutes later. He was breathing quickly. I guess he had run all the way and his body, so used to doing nothing, was shocked with the sudden exercise.

"That was not nice _fratello. _You left grandpa talking alone." He waited for my answer but only got silence. "Why do you hate aunt Agnese?"

_I don't hate her, I'm afraid of her and her words. _

Feliciano gave up when I didn't answer. We took the bus and when we reached school I slipped away from my brother. My first class started normally until a knock was heard. The teacher opened the door and talked to an unknown person. After some seconds talking, he invited the visitors to enter the class. My eyes widened.

Marcus was standing in front of the class looking extremely awkward. His eyes darted through the entire classroom until he reached me. I saw how he trembled and looked away immediately. I continued watching him when the teacher announced his return from the hospital and indicated him to sit.

The class continued with the sound of soft murmurs and the continuous questions that were thrown to Marcus. He didn't talk at all, frustrating many of his classmates and pleasing the teacher. I could feel how he would turn to look at me for a moment and then look away when I tried to meet his gaze.

During all the class I had this feeling in my ass that told me to be aware of Marcus. He could have lied to the police, but why would he lie to his friends? When the class ended he ran out of the class before I could approach him. I followed him, not daring to lose him, until we reached one corner in an empty hall. He turned to look at me trying to look strong, but his shaking hands told another history. I didn't like seeing him like this. Maybe a real bully would feel satisfied, but I just felt sick. I didn't like someone to be so fucking terrified by my presence.

"Listen Marcus…"

"I won't tell anyone okay! I won't! So please, please, leave me alone."

I stayed in silence completely surprised.

"Please leave me alone" He said grabbing my shirt with shaking hands. "I don't want to be hurt like that again. It was so fucking painful. I won't bother you again. I swear it. Just don't do anything like that again."

I sighed. Seeing Marcus like this only made me feel like a monster. Who could have thought that the bully would be reduced to this?

"Marcus, listen to me." I said catching his attention at last. "I'm not going to do anything, okay? What happened was terrible, in fact, I don't want that to be repeated. Even so I would really appreciate if you kept quiet about everything. It will be easier for you and for me, ok?"

He nodded not saying anything. I grabbed his hands, feeling how he flinched at my touch, and unclenched them from my shirt. He better realize that what I just did was extremely rare. I never apologized. Never. But what had happened to him, I really regretted it. Maybe I had not formally apologized, forming those words with my mouth was almost impossible for me, but I hoped he had gotten the idea from what I said.

"Hey, what's happening here? This is such a strange sight."

The obnoxious voice of Gilbert Beilschmidt made Marcus jump. I turned my head slowly to my right and saw Francis and Gilbert standing there. The German bastard had a smirk in his face, as if he had caught me doing something bad. Francis only wore a blank expression, but his eyes were locked in me.

"We were just talking" I said seeing that Marcus was incapable of talking for the moment. "Asking him if he was alright and all that shit."

"Right" The German said. He looked at Marcus for a moment before talking. "Everything fine there _Kamerad?_"

"Everything is fine dimwit." Marcus said recovering a little the image he had had. "Don´t mess with others business."

He looked at me one second and nodded before walking down the hall towards his class. I sighed again and turned to the two intruders.

"Happy now German bastard?" I said with a smirk. "Or you thought I was going to eat him?"

"_Monstrosität. _I don't understand why Antonio is so interested in you. You are a little…"

"_Arrête _Gilbert. This is stupid." Francis said putting a hand in his friend's shoulder. The German closed his mouth but I could see he was not pleased. "We must go to class. _À bientôt_ Lovino"

I watched them as they disappeared in one of the classrooms, Francis almost pushing Gilbert all the way, and sighed. Such a complicated day this was. I decided to skip the rest of my classes, even if this was only the second period, and went to the only place where I could be in peace. The infirmary.

As I entered the place, the nurse turned to look at me from her desk.

"You have returned. You better be kidding me boy. What's the matter now?"

"I just wanted to sleep."

She raised a single eyebrow but pointed to one of the beds in the room.

"If you tell a soul…"

"I won't, don't worry." I muttered while letting me fall in the bed with exhaustion. "I'll just be here for a moment."

I closed my eyes and immediately fell asleep. The last thing I heard was the nurse laughing and the rustle of the pages passing. The next thing I knew, someone was shaking me until. I opened my eyes seeing only the white of the ceiling and kicked whoever was beside me. I heard a little pain exclamation and smiled in content while closing again my eyes.

"Lovi! You have to wake up! The game is in one hour!"

My eyes opened again and I sat in the bed. One hour? You had to be kidding me. I turned to look at the person who had woken me up, and, oh surprise, I found Antonio standing there with a hand over his stomach, where I presume my kick hit. Then I looked at the clock in one of the walls and my mouth dropped. The classes had already ended!

"Fuck" I hissed and turned to look at the nurse, who was sitting in her desk as I had found her earlier. "Why didn't you wake me up?"

"You looked like you needed a long sleep" She answered with a little smirk, but I could hear she was being sincere.

"_Dio_" I murmured and stood up.

"Come on Lovi, we need to go!" Antonio said taking my hand and pulling me out of the room. I started to curse him for treating me so roughly, but he cut me off. "Save your breath Lovi, we need to run."

And as he said, after taking my things from my locker, we started to run towards the bus stop to go to Marion High School. I remained in silence all the way. Antonio's behavior was strange. Yesterday he was totally pissed, but today he was acting as if nothing had happened. I stopped thinking and decided that he was a strange being that I couldn't understand.

We arrived to the Marion High School's field and ran towards the changing rooms. I could hear the roars of the people already in their sits in the field and the loud sound of drums and whistles. The reality of how big the game actually was sank in my mind as I was changing my clothes inside of a bathroom. I sat in one of the benches outside of the bathroom once I was changed, surrounded by my team mates, and started to put my shoes on.

_Shit, shit, shit. Why am I nervous now of all the times? _

I sighed repressing the desire to hit myself. I was going to look like a mad man if I did it. Antonio sat beside me tying his shoe laces.

"I'm sorry" He said suddenly. I looked at him confused. "Yesterday I acted like a jerk."

I blinked several times trying to absorb the fact that the goofy Spaniard was apologizing. He looked at me expectant while waiting for my answer. Oh God. Now what? What should I tell him? Yes, you were a fucking jerk, or the usual don't worry.

"Uhh."

What the hell was that?! Why couldn't I produce something less embarrassing! And he was laughing of me. The fucking Antonio was laughing. Oh God.

"Don't laugh!" I almost screamed, but he continued.

"_Dios _Lovi, your face was so….._oh Dios mío." _

"Stop it"

I tried to cover his mouth with my hand, but he grabbed it while laughing. We began a strife in which I tried to silence him and he tried to escape from my hands. I wasn't aware that we were being watched by everyone until I heard the laughs. I stopped immediately.

"Hey boys, no romance is allowed before the game." One of them said.

I blushed and quickly moved away from Antonio. His face was also red but he was laughing innocently with one hand behind his head. The commotion ended when we heard Sadiq screaming. That was the signal for us to go out. Everyone ran as fast as they could, because no one wanted to make Sadiq Adnan angry before a game. It was fucking suicide.

"Lovi?" Antonio said when we were walking to the field. "Do you forgive me?"

"Yeah, whatever bastard" I mumbled looking at my shoes.

He took my hand and I looked at him. His emerald eyes were sparkling with happiness and a big smile had formed in his lips. Was he really that happy because of my words? I tried to move my hands away but his grip tightened.

"Thanks Lovi!"

And then he was hugging me. Fucking hugging me! My whole body tensed but he didn't stop. His head was resting in the crook of my neck, his hair was tickling me and the heat coming from his body was overwhelming, but I found myself liking it. The feeling of having someone so close without having to be scared was nice, but I was not going to let the bastard to know that, nor to hug me so suddenly. I pushed him away with my face fully red.

"Don't do that!" I said.

He laughed and let me go, but shortly after that he took my hand, again, and ran. What was his problem with my fucking hand? Couldn't he leave my hand alone? Fuck. Why was his skin so warm? It was so unnatural. And he was holding my hand so firmly that I was sure I was going to lose it.

I sighed relieved when we arrived to the circle formed around Sadiq and he let me go. I glared at him with all the hate I could and then turned to look at the annoyed coach. Sadiq started to yell, yes literally yell to us, the plan for the game. I suspect that his nerves were taking the best of him, even if he didn't recognize it.

He named the ones that were going to play with the already selected three days before and ordered us to start warming up. After fifteen minutes we were running down the field with the clock marking the start of the first half.

I must admit that the rival was strong. The defense was almost impenetrable, so every attempt from us to shoot was futile. Every pass we made was intercepted by pair of players. One was a huge guy with fiery eyes that looked at you as if you were a damn ant and a little fast guy that was always smiling creepily. The combo was mortal.

The first half finished with the score still in zeros. Both teams were tired and extremely frustrated, but the one who showed, literally, the frustration of the team was no other than Sadiq. The guy looked terribly angry.

"What the fuck were you doing there eh?" He asked the strikers. Isaq remained in silence already used to his coach antics but Gilbert started to complain immediately.

"It's not our fucking fault! Those stupid defenses are impossible. You as the coach should know; you saw it yourself!"

"_Silencio _Gil" Antonio said quickly before Sadiq could explode.

"We are going to change our strategy" Sadiq said eyeing Gilbert, but without screaming, which was a great step forward. "Lovino, you'll go and support Gilbert and Isaq as a striker. Maurice and Adrian, you'll have the middle with a little help of Antonio. The rest will defend."

The whistle indicating the beginning of the second half sounded and all the players ran to the field. I took my new position in the right side of the field and waited until the referee whistled again. It was the first time in my life that I had this position. Normally I was a midfielder, giving passes to the ones that scored and helping in the defense. I never liked being the center of attention, but Sadiq was not going to give me the option of retreating. Hell, he was going to kill me if I did it.

The ball flew through the field up and down without entering to any goal. Twenty minutes had passed and the tension started to build in the players causing the use of violence. It was just after the huge stupid guy that had caused us problems all the game pushed Gilbert to the ground that Antonio approached me.

"Lovino, follow my lead ok?" He said quickly before passing me.

I stood there staring at him before realizing that I had to be near him. I started to run as Antonio was receiving the ball in the middle field. I ran in the right side of the field never losing the sight of Antonio; I could not know when he was going to do something. Just when I thought that Antonio raised his eyes until they met with mine and nodded.

I approached him and he passed me the ball. He appeared again at my right side. Suddenly I understood what he wanted to do. A smiled appeared in my lips at the same time that one appeared in Antonio's when he saw that I had understood.

The fast guy from the other team appeared by my side. He was about to take off the ball from my feet when I stepped on the ball to stop it, but still running. The defense looked at me surprised and when he turned it was too late; Antonio was already passing him with the ball in his possession.

I ran as fast as I could as the huge guy approached Antonio. I positioned myself just ahead of the huge defense, in a perfect position to shoot, and waited for Antonio's movement. The ball arrived some seconds after and I shoot.

I heard a load roar as the ball collided against the goal net. The next thing I knew the whole team was over me ignoring my fucking personal space, but I ignored that and smiled. We were winning. We were winning.

"That was so fucking amazing! _Wunderbar!_" I heard Gilbert scream before feeling his hand in my shoulder. "It was as if you and Antonio were synchronized."

The celebration ended shortly after that for the game had to continue, but that simple point we had been able to make lifted the spirits of the whole team. The second goal, coming from Gilbert this time, came quickly.

At the sound of the whistle indicating the end of the game, everyone screamed. Gilbert was suddenly hugging me and then dragging me until we were at the changing rooms. Everyone was so fucking happy that my smiled didn't take long to appear. I started to separate from everyone until I was near the bathrooms' door. I sighed and a little chuckle left my lips.

I almost fell when an arm pulled me from behind. The pulling didn't stop until I was inside of the bathrooms.

"What the hell!"

"Sorry Lovi"

Of course it was Antonio. Who else would do something like that? But, why the bathrooms of all the places?

"We won Lovi!" He said with the brightest smile I had ever seen in his face. I tried to remain with a poker face, but fuck it, I couldn't; a small smile formed in my lips.

"Yeah we did."

"I'm so happy!" He said hugging me.

I rolled my eyes and tapped him in the back while hoping for the hug to end. He started to laugh and I moved with him as his body started to shake with the laughter. Fuck, now I felt as if I was in a damn earthquake.

"Hey bastard, stop it."

"But Lovi, I'm so happy. We did it. I thought you were not going to understand what I wanted to do, but you did! And scored on top of it! _Dios mío, fue maravilloso."_

"Of course I understood. I'm not dumb, stupid bastard." I muttered. "But I must admit you played well."

Antonio laughed and finally let me go, but just a little. I was still in his arms and he was looking at me directly in the eyes. I started to feel nervous with the little distance between us. Why didn't he let me go?

"Thank you Lovi!" He exclaimed leaning in.

"I've told you not to call me like…."

I was interrupted when Antonio's soft lips collided softly with mine. My eyes opened initially, but then I found myself closing them and pressing my lips to his. And suddenly I was aware of his whole presence. Antonio's scent overwhelming my nostrils, the warmth of his body pressed to my own, the softness of his lips moving with mine, his hands, one pressing our bodies together, and the other one grabbing my hair to deepen the kiss.

And then I wished for this moment to never end.

* * *

**Translations (A lot this time)**

**_Italian_  
**

_Dio **God **_

**_Spanish_**

_No entiendo _ **I don't understand **

_¡Basta, basta, basta! _ **Stop, stop, stop. **

_¿De qué carajo se están riendo? No es gracioso. _ **Of what the hell are you laughing? It is not funny. **

_Dios , Oh Dios mío _ **God, oh my God**

_Silencio_ ** Quiet, Silence (as a verb) **

_Dios mío, fue maravillo. _**My God, it was wonderful. ****  
**

**_German_**

_Kamerad _**Buddy, comrade, mate **

_Monstrosität _ **Abomination **

_Wunderbar _ **Wonderful ****  
**

_**French**_

_Arrête _ **Stop**

_À bientôt _** See you later ****  
**

**_I thinks that's all, but if I missed something you can ask :D _  
**


	18. Chapter 18

**I know you are going to have the big and quite reasonable desire to kill me, but please do not :( I really thought deeply how to continue and I decided that in the end this was a must. Maybe right now you will not understand, but be patient and the reward will come. **

**I won't put anything like "I hope you like it" because, fuck it, I do not enjoy it even now. It would be something hypocrite from my part, so I will put instead something like, please forgive me? **

**_Danise Nowak _**

* * *

_**Ch. 18 Rejection**_

The moment seemed to last forever and nothing at the same time. We separated reluctantly. I chose not to open my eyes because I knew that from the moment I did everything would fall into a beautiful and painful memory and I didn't want that to happen. I had enough memories torturing my mind to add another one.

I felt his hand caressing my cheek and I leant at his touch. His hand was so warm and gentle. Never have I been touched with so much kindness. A shiver traveled through my body at that thought. _Never. _That word had been said to me a lot of times even by me. It had only put chains in my wrists to avoid changing what was already established.

And this definitely was something off limits. To be in love. I wasn't supposed to love anyone. I wasn't supposed to love a man. I wasn't supposed to love Antonio. This was wrong, so fucking wrong. Even if my heart was telling me with every beat that I wanted this, that this wasn't wrong, that I should give it a chance, I couldn't listen to him. She had fallen in that state because of love. She had tortured me with her supposed love. Love had made my life a misery, so how dare he to come to my life again?

"Lovino, please open your eyes."

His voice traveled through my ears and made my heart beat painfully. It wasn't Antonio's fault, but he was going to get hurt because of me sooner or later, so it was better to hurt him now, when he could get over it quickly than later when he could get hurt in a worse way. It was for his own damn good.

_Stop, stop, stop. You don't want this. Don't do this to him. Don't do this to you. _

I ignored my thoughts and finally opened my eyes. The first thing I saw was Antonio's green orbs watching me. He smiled to me and his eyes stared at me with so much love that my resolve was almost crushed, but I didn't let that happen.

"Finally, I can see your eyes" I murmured caressing my cheeks with his finger.

My chest hurt badly for I knew I was about to change that happy face of his into one full of sorrow. But it was for his own good.

_Keep repeating it until you believe it coward. _

"Antonio" I said, my voice sounding so weak and insecure.

He stopped caressing my face immediately and looked at me with confused eyes. I waited some seconds until I had completely calmed and looked at him.

"Sorry Antonio, but this cannot be."

"Why? Why do you say that when your body has already said the opposite?" He grabbed my face with his hands, his hold tight but not enough to hurt me, and searched in my eyes for the truth.

"Unhand me" I muttered. "This is impossible, you must understand it."

"Is it because we are both guys?" He said without letting me go. His voice sounded more desperate than what he was letting me see.

"Yes." I murmured feeling how my chest's pain increased with my words. "It disgusts me. I….cannot be seen in this type of relationship. It is unnatural."

I felt how Antonio's hands started to shake as he lowered them until they were by his sides. He looked so hurt, so fucking hurt. His eyes were shinning with unshed tears and his expression was one of someone completely dejected and miserable. The sudden urge to hug him and whisper in his ear that it was not true, that everything I was saying, was a stupid lie was so strong that I had to clench my fists to stop my body from moving. It was going to be worse if he continued with his infatuation with me.

"I…." He tried to talk but couldn't.

I tried with all my might to avoid a painful expression to reach my face. I had to finish this right.

"I don't want this to be repeated, do you understand Antonio?"

His eyes widened but he nodded. I could see how his whole body was shaking. I turned around so that I could stop watching his pitiful silhouette. His hand grabbed my shoulder. Unconsciously I leant at his touch.

"Can't we at least stay as friends?"

Oh Antonio. You could have avoided the fucking pain. Why did you have to ask? Why couldn't you shut up for one time in your life? I looked at my feet, feeling how my eyes started to fill with tears, and then took a deep breath to stabilize my voice.

"I don't think so."

I started to walk towards the bathroom door.

"No Lovino, please don't do this. Please" Antonio whispered, but I ignored his pleads and opened the door. When I closed it behind me the tears started to fall from my eyes. Luckily there was no one left in the changing room so no one saw me in my weak state. I covered my mouth to mute the sobs that started to come out and after grabbing my things I ran to the exit.

I hit someone for I wasn't looking to the front. Without raising my face I murmured an apology and tried to run again. I wanted to get away from there quickly before I could break down completely, but I couldn't because a hand kept me still in my place.

"Hey _Torschütze _where are you going so fast? We should go and celebrate."

"I don't want to."

"Come on. We are going to have fun! Don't be so dull."

"I told you that I don't want to!" I screamed and started to run away from him.

I didn't stop until I arrived home even when the distance between the house and the field was so fucking long. I locked myself in my room and finally broke down. The tears started to fall down like rivers and the sobs got stronger. I felt so miserable, so pitiful, and so stupid.

I had had the opportunity to have someone who would have cared for me! I had the opportunity of finally start a normal life and I had blown it. I was so stupid, such an idiot. I had hurt and pushed away someone only because I was afraid of how close he had gotten.

"I'm a failure." I muttered to no one. "She was right."

I fell asleep while crying. I was so tired that I couldn't move from the sitting position I had fallen when I broke down in my room. And as expected, when I woke up my whole body was numb. I could barely stand without my legs shaking like jelly. Slowly I walked towards the shower and collapsed under the hot water once I had undressed.

I didn't want to go to school. I didn't want to see Feliciano or the old man. And specially, I didn't want to see Antonio. I was not going to be able to bear it. The library was my salvation. I just hoped that Emma could catch the clue and leave me alone for a little bit.

To avoid being seen, I walked slowly checking every possible spot where the old man or Feliciano could be and then ran to the door. I arrived to the library shortly after and went to my lonely and quiet spot at the back. I chose one book and started to read.

Emma arrived around 10 am and tried to talk to me but I ignored her. She got obviously angry, but it could be worse if I talked. I didn't know what hurtful thing I could end up saying.

I repeated this routine all the week. In the end Emma understood that I didn't want to talk to her and made very obvious that she was angry because of that. She smacked me with a book every single time she could. She glared at me and refused to talk to me even when I wanted to buy or search for a book. So she was making my visits miserable and making me feel like the jerk I surely was being.

It was the last day of the week when I was about to leave that she talked to me again.

"Lovino, what the hell are you doing to yourself?"

I turned to look at her. Her two fierce eyes were focused in me trying to capture every detail shown in my face and body.

"What do you mean?" I mumbled. My voice sounded hoarse and weak. I hadn't talked to anyone since the game so I guessed it was normal to produce that kind of voice.

"Have you seen yourself in the mirror?" She asked shaking her head when I denied with my head. "You are destroying yourself Lovino. Don't do this. You have friends. I'm here, your brother is here, even An…"

"Thanks Emma but I'm okay" I said before she could say Antonio's name. As fast as I could I exited the store and walked home.

Before entering I saw two cars parked outside of the house. I frowned when I didn't recognize them, but ignored them as I opened the door; they could be from a neighbor. I met with six pairs of eyes when I entered. Ludwig, Feliciano, Francis, Gilbert and the old man were standing near the living room's door while Aunt Agnese was standing next to the stairs and glaring at me.

My first reaction was to take a step back. I didn't expect so many persons, especially Antonio's friends, reunited in my home's hall, but then I stopped. Why should I be afraid of them? I hadn't done anything wrong.

I tilted my head a little as a way to acknowledge their presence and then proceeded to walk towards the stairs, but I was stopped by the old man's voice.

"Are you leaving boy?"

I turned to look at him completely afraid. I do had problems with him. After all skipping school for an entire week was not something he would like and ignore.

"Yes?" I mumbled and aunt Agnese scoffed.

"So, when were you going to tell me that you were skipping school?" He asked, his eyes never leaving mine.

"I…"

"When were you going to tell me that you were skipping your precious football practices?"

"…."

"When were you going to tell me that you were failing a class? When boy? Because I remember clearly that we talked about having secrets."

I opened my mouth and closed it again. I just couldn't talk. Something was not letting me do it. I felt a horrible pressure in my chest.

"Because if it was not because of these young men that came I wouldn't even know" He gestured towards Francis and Gilbert. My eyes turned to see them and I only found hate. Gilbert was literally glaring at me with his hands folded over his chest. Francis had a neutral face but his eyes shinned with his true thoughts.

"He is just as his father"

Aunt Agnese talked for the first time since I had entered the room. Her words made my chest hurt badly, just as if someone had thrown over me a tray full of cold water. My eyes widened and my hands started to shake.

"_You look just like him my son."_

So it was true. I was just like him. She was right.

"Agnese" The old man scolded her in a hiss, but she ignored him and continued talking as she got nearer me.

"He is just a damn brat who doesn't know how to be grateful."

"I do know how…."

"Really?" She said raising one eyebrow. "Because I haven't seen it since I arrived here. You just lock yourself in your room and disappear before we can notice you were there. Just like a ghost. Are you really part of this family?"

"Of course he is!" Feliciano shouted taking one step forward. Ludwig put a hand on his shoulder to stop him. "He is my brother."

"Really has he ever acted like one? Has he ever said to you that he loves you?"

"He doesn't have to tell me that for me to know."

"So he hasn't."

"Agnese stop it. Now is not the time." The old man said sighing. "Let's leave this talk for later."

"I didn't come here just to visit and I want to get as far as I can from him" She pointed at me with her finger. "After all I don't want to be near a murde…."

"Stop it!" The old man hissed walking towards Agnese. She didn't continue talking watching me with furious eyes.

"I'm leaving" She said. She walked to the door only stopping when she passed besides me. "Did you feel relieved when the knife pierced her heart?"

Francis' and Gilbert's eyes opened when they heard her words. Feliciano immediately tried to run after her with her fist clenched and a furious expression in his face but was stopped by Ludwig. The old man's face turned to red as the anger filled him. I watched him as he walked to the door and I heard him as he shouted to Agnese.

And then silence.

I stopped hearing the voices in the room. I blinked several times trying to comprehend what to do. Everyone knew now. Francis, Gilbert, Ludwing. They knew. They were going to tell everyone. I felt how my legs started to shake and how my respiration got heavier. I had to go. I had to shut myself from everything. It was just so fucking confusing.

I don't know how, but suddenly I had enough force to climb the stairs and enter my room. I locked the door and sat on the floor.

"Lovino, Lovino, _fratello!_ Please open the door, please!"

I heard Feliciano's shouts and the deep voice of Ludwig asking me the same, but I ignored them. I heard pounding, screams, begs, but I couldn't make my body stand up to open the door. Everything was so unreal and was so damn far away.

"_Did you feel relieved when the knife pierced her heart?"_

I could still remember everything clearly.

The knife. It had been so sharp. It had entered her body so easily as if he was devouring her flesh. And the blood. There was blood everywhere. My hands were full of her blood; the floor was full of blood; her clothes. And her eyes. Her eyes were looking at me as her life slipped. And I could see how those eyes that had tortured me for so long were dying. How the radiance of light they had always had, even if it had continuously diminished, was disappearing.

I could remember the fear and the regret in my mother's eyes as the knife in her chest caused her heart to stop.

* * *

**Translations**

German**  
**

_Torschütze **Scorer, shooter**_

**And that's all. As always, if I have any mistake (Grammar, vocabulary, spelling, etc.) please tell me. :) **


	19. Chapter 19

**Okay, I must confess that I wrote this chapter immediately after the one I posted not so long ago. I didn't post them together because...mmmm...no reason at all, I just forgot xD I guess that with this I redeem myself from the possible angst I caused? **

**Enjoy reading, because I know you will! :)**

**_Danise Nowak _  
**

* * *

_**Ch. 19 Would you listen?**_

"Lovino open the door. It has been four days. You have to eat."

The old man's voice reached my ears but I didn't move. I hadn't moved since the day aunt Agnese had said those words. I had been sitting in a corner of my room with my head between my legs for four days without moving. I had slept in that position, but only when I was too tired to keep my eyes open. I just couldn't find a reason to move.

All the thoughts that I had slowly shut down had come again to torture me. It was just as when she had died. I had stayed a whole week in the same room where everything had passed watching the stain of blood in the floor and not moving.

"This is enough Lovino. I'm going to open the damn door even if you don't want to."

I heard a rustle outside of the door and then a familiar click. The door opened slowly, but I didn't raise my head to see who was there, even though I knew who he was. I just wanted to fade away and not deal with all this mess. Two pair of strong hands grabbed me from the shoulders and pushed me until my back was completely straight.

I wanted to struggle, but I didn't have the force to do it. My body was weak. I had no energy. I kept looking at the ground avoiding the two eyes that were looking at me. I didn't want to see what was reflected in them. Suddenly he hugged me. I blinked several times without understanding his actions. Why was he hugging me?

Then I noticed that there was someone else in the door frame. Feliciano, my brother. He was standing there with one hand on the wall and the other one by his side. He looked at me and for a moment I saw sadness, but I avoided his eyes and looked to the ground again.

The old man tightened his hug and I winced for my wounds hadn't healed yet. I hadn't changed the bandages in those three days, so I was sure the state of them was worse than before.

"What's the matter Lovi?" Feliciano asked when he saw my pained expression. He walked quickly until he was kneeling beside me and the old man. "Grandpa, let him go a little bit. Something is hurting him."

Damn Feliciano, always noticing the little details when it was not needed. The old man let me go and I tried to get away and run from them but my legs betrayed me and I ended up falling to the floor. The big hands of the old man grabbed me before I could hit the ground. I was just so utterly useless.

"What is hurting you _fratello?_" Feliciano asked but I could only look at him with eyes full of fear. What were they going to think? What reaction will they have when the wounds came to light?

The old man and Feliciano exchanged a look and then nodded. Feliciano started to check my arms and legs for wounds whilst the old man held me back against the floor. The tiny hands of Feliciano finally reached my stomach. The seconds he took to reach my chest and cause a cry of pain that slip through my lips were eternal. Having found the cause of my pain, Feliciano slid my shirt up until the bandages were visible. His eyes opened, just as the old man's, at the sight.

"What's this Lovino?" The old man asked. "Who did this to you?"

The fingers of Feliciano started to take off the bandages as tears came out of my eyes.

"Please don't look" I muttered closing my eyes. "Don't look"

I heard their intake of air when they saw the cuts. I closed my eyes tighter wanting to disappear. Something cold, a finger I'm sure, ran over one of the wounds following the straight line I had made with the razors. Wet drops fell on my face causing me to open my eyes. Feliciano's face was over mine and from his eyes millions of tears were falling. He grabbed my face and kissed my temple.

"Why _fratello_? Why didn't you tell me something?"

The old man stood up in silence and ran a hand over his hair. He always did that when he didn't know what to do. I shifted my head until I was looking to one side avoiding the sight of my grandfather. He was ashamed of having me as his grandson. I bet he was thinking that right now.

"We need to go to the hospital." He said finally.

I closed my eyes giving up every chance I had had of being accepted and chose to simply fall asleep. Even my fucking nightmarish dreams were better than dealing with this.

"Everything is going to be alright _fratello."_

What a beautiful lie.

I woke up in the whitest room I had ever seen. The smell of disinfectant was strong and the soft and constant sound of drops falling filled the silence. I blinked several times to adjust my eyes to that extreme whiteness and then looked around.

Obviously I was in a hospital. There was no one in the room at the moment so everything was quiet. I raised a little my arms and saw a needle coming out of one of them. A thin transparent tube attached to the end of the needle traveled up until reaching a bag of serum that was hanging from a large tube over my bed. I looked at my chest but I could only see the white robe that I was wearing.

Why did hospitals always used so much fucking white?

I tried to sit but stopped when a sharp pain coming from my chest started. Grabbing the robe, and thanking there was no one in the room to see what I was about to do, I pulled it up until I could see white bandages around my chest. The wounds probably hurt because they had to clean them again, and I knew from experience that it could be extremely painful.

I raised the arm that didn't have the needle and put it over my eyes. If I was in the hospital, it meant that Feliciano and the old man knew. It hadn't been a dream. Fuck. How was I supposed to face them after this? I thanked, for like the third time in the little amount of time I had been awake, that there was no one in the room.

I had to think of what I was going to do.

Obviously going to school was not going to be allowed for some time. Not that I wanted to go. I was failing one class and with one missing week it was almost impossible to consider having a good grade in the other classes. Neither going to the FC Royal, but I was sure Sadiq was not going to receive me anymore in any case. I had missed one entire week of training and the limit of absences were between three or four maybe? I had screwed everything with my little relapse.

I sighed heavily and then chuckled bitterly.

Maybe moving to another city? It could be a good solution. I could start from zero again and I was not going to do the same stupid mistakes I had done here and in Italy. This time I could actually achieve some kind of victory without screwing. Not that I had much hope about it, but it was a start.

The door opened and a woman with black hair wearing a white uniform entered. Seriously there was an obsession with the fucking white. I supposed she was a nurse, because, come on, who hasn't seen the movies where there is a sexy nurse in her uniform. I swear the only thing this woman was missing was the damn hat in her head. Then Feliciano and the old man appeared in the door frame. They looked at me with blank faces and I immediately lost all the hope that I could had had achieved in the last minute. They looked so miserable and I was the fucking cause.

"Hello there Lovino" The nurse said walking to one side of the bed and checking the serum bag. "You slept a lot. I guess you weren't sleeping so well before?"

"You drugged me. It's not like I don't know." I muttered. The nurse looked surprised for a moment but then she smiled.

"Well of course we had to use anesthesia. It would have hurt too much. "

"Whatever"

"I'll leave you all then. Call me if you need something. I'll call the doctor and tell him you are awake."

She left the room quickly as if she was fleeing from the tense atmosphere that had been created there. No one talked whilst we waited for the doctor to arrive. I tried to look at every spot in the room, of course there was nothing but white, except the two persons that were standing at the end of my bed. The door opened again and a tall man with blonde hair walked in. He got near me and then sat in the bed.

"I'm Asher Moser or Dr. Moser; you can call me as you wish." He made a pause waiting to see if I was going to say something and when I didn't he continued. "I think you know why I'm here Lovino, can I call you like that?" Again I didn't say anything so he took my silence as a yes. "The cuts in your chest are exactly the same as those a depressed person usually makes in the wrists. So tell me Lovino, are you depressed?"

I turned to look at him with an incredulous expression. He was the fucking doctor and he was asking ME if I was depressed? You had to be kidding me. The doctor laughed when he recognized the look I sent him.

"I know it's quite…. strange for me to ask that, seeing that you are in a hospital and all that, but I want to hear it from you. It is important."

"What does it matter anyway?" I said looking straight to his eyes. "Everyone in this damn room has already decided what I have and probably has already decided what to do with me."

"And why would you think like that?"

I narrowed my eyes at his question. He had to be plainly stupid if he thought I didn't know what he was doing. Asking me strange questions to try to get the reason of why I was "depressed" was going to be useless. I smiled as bright as I could and leaned towards the doctor.

"Do you really think I'm stupid? Go ask another person stupid questions, you pathetic excuse of a doctor. My lips are sealed."

Anger crossed Dr. Moser's eyes as he stood up abruptly. I chuckled a little enjoying the effects of my words. A doctor losing his cool in front of a patient; how professional.

"You cannot be discharged until your psychological state is approved as healthy. You are the one who will decide when to leave this place Lovino."

"Then I guess I will be here for a long time. Please bear with me Doctor." I murmured.

Dr. Moser huffed indignantly and walked to the door to leave. The old man followed him after sending me an angry look. I ignored him and turned to look at the serum bag hanging over my head. Would it hurt if I just reaped the needle from my arm? A soft ruffle of clothes caught my attention and my eyes returned to the door where Feliciano was standing.

"What are you looking at Feli?" I mocked him. "Are you scared that your brother is turning into a crazy man?"

I knew Feliciano had nothing to do with this, but the goddamn look he was giving me was pissing me off. He opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out. I raised an eyebrow and he closed his mouth slowly.

"Just go Feliciano. I don't want you here."

He looked at me with a face full of pain, but not a single tear fell from his eyes. I felt kind of proud because that meant that he was starting to grow up from that crybaby he had always been. And then he was gone.

I watched as the door closed and sighed. The echo of my breath was the only thing I could hear besides of the constant serum drip. This was for the best. If I had no one by my side I wouldn't be able to hurt no one. It was logical and easy to be done. I had already started, now I just had to finish.

The next couple of days Dr. Moser tried everything he could to make me talk, but I refused to do it. I tackled every single strategy he tried until I opted to simply stop talking back. It was tiring to discuss with the man when all he said was nonsense. My silence seemed to upset more the man until one day he just gave up and left the room before the astonished eyes of the old man, who had been present in every single fucking session of the interrogation resting quietly against one corner of the room.

For the first time since I had arrived to the hotel he looked directly at me with furious eyes and then stomped towards me. He grabbed me from the neck of the white robe and shook me.

"Why Lovino? We are doing everything we can to help you, why can't you put a little of your part? Do you really hate so much your home that you want to stay in this fucking hospital?"

"Grandpa? What are you doing?"

We both turned to look to the one who had talked. Feliciano, who had not come to see me since that time that I told him I didn't want him there, was standing at the door with a confused look in his eyes. The old man let me go and walked to the door closing it when he was outside with Feliciano.

I sighed again and tried to hear if they were talking outside, but the walls in here were extremely thick, so I heard nothing. I closed my eyes feeling suddenly really tired. I heard the door opening again. I ignored it and continued with my eyes closed.

"_Fratello_, I…..I am sorry that all this happened to you. Really. If I could exchange places and suffer everything that you have suffered I would, so please listen to me just this time."

I nodded trying to ignore the warm feeling that had appeared in my chest when I heard Feliciano's voice. I could give him a chance, but it was not as if he was going to make me change my way of thinking.

"You don't trust me. You don't trust grandfather, or the doctor. So please, as a last chance, listen to someone you have trusted before."

After that I heard the click of the door when it closed and then silence. For some reason, even if I knew I was alone, I could feel as if someone was watching me. The feeling didn't go away after some minutes so I opened my eyes and then wished I had never done it.

Standing in front of me was a very awkward looking Spaniard.

So this was Feliciano's last card.

We remained in an absolute and extremely tense silence. Finally I managed to reunite the courage to talk.

"What are you doing here?"

Antonio raised his head until his eyes met mine and grimaced. Oh God, just looking at him from this far made my heart clench painfully. Why had Feliciano chosen this person? I had already made up my mind that I was never going to see him again.

"Feliciano asked me, no he begged me actually, kneeling in front of me with teary eyes."

I flinched when Antonio sent me an angry look. Yes, it was my fault that Feliciano had been reduced to something so pathetic, but I never thought he would do that.

"I….see."

"Is that everything you are going to say? Seriously?" Antonio said taking one step closer to my bed. "I just told you that your brother begged because of you and you can only say one fucking _I see_? _Realmente eres el Lovino que….no, olvidalo. _You are a lost cause. I just can't believe that I could see you as something more than a petulant bastard. _Alguien tan egoísta se merece lo que te ha pasado." _

With every word said he had taken a step closer to the bed until he was standing right in front of me. Not for one second my eyes abandoned his, because he had me trapped. I couldn't move and his words stung terribly. I wanted to scream and tell him that I was not like that, but a lump in my throat prevented me from doing it.

"I couldn't see it in time, and that's why I got hurt. _Fui un completo idiota. _I just couldn't believe you broke my heart so easily. _Así que escucha Lovino. _Listen carefully. If you continue with this stupid pursuit of yours and hurting Feliciano I will never forgive you, you understand? I will make your life as hell, because, trust me, you have not tasted hell compared to what I have in mind."

His eyes were piercing through me as his words did the job of squishing my heart in an attempt to stop its beating. I blinked several times to stop the tears from flooding my eyes and then lowered my head.

"I understand"

With my words he seemed to relax. I didn't dare to look at him again so I continued looking at my hands. He pushed me to make me lie down in the bed.

"Go to sleep"

I winced when his hand brushed my wounds but nodded. I didn't have a thing to say to him, so I just obeyed.

"What was that?" He asked suddenly. I remained in silence avoiding his eyes. "What was that Lovino?" He asked again but with a harsher tone that warned me of the consequences if I didn't answer.

"Wounds."

"Wounds? And pray tell me Lovino, from what?" He grabbed my chin to force our eyes to meet. I avoided his gaze ashamed. "Don't tell me there are the same wounds of the fight with Marcus because I'm not stupid. I'm not going to ask again. Answer Lovino."

"I did them with a razor." I murmured softly.

"What?"

"I fucking did them with a damn razor. Are you happy now?" I shouted. Antonio's eyes widened with surprise and then a flash of light crossed them as he realized something. His hand started to shake and he let me go.

"Don't tell me that time…were they the same?"

I nodded.

"_Oh Dios mío." _He mumbled and sat on the border of the bed. He raised one of his hands and passed it over his face. "You lied"

"Haven't you noticed that I always lie Antonio?" I mumbled trying to mock him but failing spectacularly.

"Always? I don't think so." He said raising his head to see me. "Maybe your mouth can lie but your eyes can't."

"Weren't you the one saying that I had tricked you and you were so hurt? You are being incoherent right now bastard."

"I am human Lovino. I can make mistakes and I accept that, something I recommend you to do. I wasn't able to think straight at that moment. " He said with a sad smile in his lips. I just scowled, but even when his words were a little bit harsh I could feel that the atmosphere was becoming lighter.

We remained in silence for a while. I was looking at his hands that were clenching the sheets forming two fists and he was looking at me.

"Why did you tell me those things Lovi?" He asked returning to call me with that nickname. "I am sure you didn't think those things. Francis and Gilbert told me you were crying and then the incident with your aunt. Even Emma came to me when you ignored her." He stopped for a moment and then, really slowly, he took the hand where I had the needle between his hands. The overwhelming warm that his hands produced made me shiver with pleasure. I had wanted this kind of touch for so long. "I was worried and angry, of course, because I felt like that. But the truth is that when Emma told me the status in which you were I had to fight really hard the urge to go and look for you."

He leaned towards me until his head was resting in my stomach. I could feel under my white clothes his warm breath coming out from his mouth. His hands tightened around mine showing me how afraid he was from my possible words, but also de determination to know them. He was a stubborn bastard when he wanted. He was the only one who could reduce my protective wall in ashes with just words. He was my weakness.

I put my head on top of his own smelling the fresh scent from his brown locks. The only time when I had had the chance to smell his hair was when we had kissed because his messy, and a little long, hair kept falling over our faces. My free hand unconsciously hugged his head pressing it against my body.

"I fucked up everything." I said in a soft voice that Antonio could catch since he was so close to me. "This wasn't supposed to happen, but I lost control of everything. I didn't want you getting hurt because of me, so I…."

"You pushed me away thinking I would get less hurt?" Antonio said and I laughed bitterly with a nod. "_Eso es estúpido."_

"I have always been alone Antonio. I have always done everything to protect the persons that are important to me. It is natural for me to think like that."

Out of nowhere he pinned me down to the bed with his body over mine. I yelped because of the sudden, and very rude, movement. I looked angrily at the bastard and ready to let a flow of curses out of my mouth but then stopped. He was looking at me with those two big emerald orbs that always hypnotized me.

"Lovino, please answer with the absolute truth. I don't want those stupid instincts of survival to influence your response. Tell what you really think. _Deja que tu corazón hable." _ He touched my cheek tenderly and with so much kindness that it made me blush. "Do you hate me?"

"No"

"Do you want me to be far away from you?" When he asked that he retreated his hand from my skin leaving a freezing sensation. I frowned at the loss and he chuckled. "I guess that is a no. Do you think I'm weak?"

"No"

"Do you trust me?"

I only nodded because a lump had started to form in my throat.

"Then Lovino don't run away from me." He said placing his forehead against mine. His green eyes never left my own eyes as a smile started to form in his lips. "I want to be with you Lovino because you are beautiful, you are the strongest person I had ever met and also the most stubborn, but also the least selfish. You are always protecting your brother and carrying the burdens that are not yours. For all this I love you _mi amor, _so please don't think you are alone. I'm always going to be there for you."

Without waiting another second he closed the distance between our lips and kissed me. I was glad he had done so. Not only because I wanted to, but because I was currently in a state of shock. His words made no sense to me, but he was trying really hard to show me also with his body that he meant them. After kissing my lips, he kissed my nose, then my forehead, and after my cheeks. The trail of kisses left a warm path through my face that only caused my blush to increase. And he was whispering. He was whispering what he had just said over and over again for me to believe his words.

I felt how the last bit of resistance in my mind disappeared and the walls that had always protected me crumbled down. Tears started to fall from my eyes with every word Antonio whispered. It didn't take long for him to start kissing the tears away.

With sudden determination I gently grabbed his face, looked at his eyes, and then kissed him roughly in the lips. I desperately wanted to show him how sorry I was. I wanted to show him my true feelings and the only form I could think of was this because I knew my voice would have failed me.

Our lips collided and I pressed them together with all the force I had to show him my determination. I felt how he smiled in the kiss and my heart jumped. We moved our lips in perfect synchronization for some seconds, then, he bit my upper lip and sucked it while his tongue licked it. I understood what he wanted. His tongue entered my mouth suddenly and started to explore everywhere. In the spur of the moment I ended doing the same thing and our tongues moved in a quick dance.

When we separated he kissed my forehead and hugged me tightly. I ignored the pain from the wounds and hid my face in his shirt. It was then when I decided.

"Antonio."

"_Si Lovi?"_

"Would you listen to my history?"

* * *

**Translations**

**Spanish **

___Realmente eres el Lovino que….no, olvidalo. _ **Are you really the Lovino that...no, forget it. **

_Alguien tan egoísta se merece lo que te ha pasado. _ **Someone so selfish deserves what has happened to you. **

_Fui un completo idiota. _ **I was a complete idiot. **

_Así que escucha Lovino._ **So listen Lovino. **

_Oh__ Dios mío._ **Oh my God. **

_Eso es estúpido. _ **That is stupid. **

_Deja que tu corazón hable._ **Let your heart talk. **

_mi amor _ **my love (I think this one is quite unnecessary to put but just in case.) **

**That's all! Too much Spanish? I won't say I'm sorry. It is quite interesting to start writing in English and then, BAMM! Spanish (Also because I speak Spanish and it just slips). **


	20. Chapter 20

**I am sorry for the delay! Really sorry, but this has been one of the most difficult things I have ever written in my life! I literally wrote and erased like ten times and then I would look at the computer and laugh. It was extremely frustrating because I knew what I wanted to write but I couldn't find a way to do it correctly, but I finally reached a way to do it :)**

**Before I forget: I hope you all had an incredible Christmas or holiday/vacations (Some don't celebrate it as "Christmas"). **

**And...Happy New Year to everyone! Enjoy the happy fever that the world will have! **

**_Danise Nowak_  
**

* * *

_**Ch. 20 My History**_

I waited for Antonio's answer looking directly to his eyes. He looked surprised for a moment, but then he smiled and nodded. I closed my eyes and began.

"I was six years old when I started to notice everything. Normally people think that little kids don't notice anything, only games and candies, but they are wrong Antonio. They are so fucking wrong. It is because of that way of thinking that a kid as small as I was could notice everything. Adults tend to ignore a child thinking he does not understand. That's why it didn't surprise me the day my dad left us. I was eight and Feliciano almost seven."

_I looked at the bags lined up beside the door. I recognized each one of them because they all belonged to my dad. One of them, a big black bag, was big enough for me to fit inside, but right now it would be impossible because they were full of clothes and shoes. Feliciano was beside me looking at the bags without understanding the meaning of them. He hadn't heard the full fight the night before so his confusion was understandable. _

_I heard heavy steps coming from the stairs and a few stumps caused by something heavy; another bag most likely. Feliciano turned his head to look at the stairs as our dad came down pulling a heavy brown bag. My innocent little brother smiled when he saw him and ran to help him. I stayed standing by the kitchen's door watching. _

_Paolo Vargas, the man that was our father, let Feliciano help him carry the bag to the door and ruffled his hair once they had finished. I scoffed at his hypocrisy and he turned to look at me. Two olive green eyes scanned me for a second before turning to look to another place. Shame. That is what I saw in them. _

"_Dad, where is mommy?" Feliciano asked. _

_I raised my eyebrows amused by the question. What would Paolo Vargas answer to his son?_

"_She is sleeping Feli. Don't bother her."_

_I grimaced at the answer. More fucking lies. Letizia Vargas was locked in her room crying her heart out as her dear husband prepared his things for leaving. I saw how my father looked at me with the corner of his eyes. Feliciano hugged his leg, since he was only seven and didn't reach higher than his father's hip, and smiled that innocent smile that everyone adored. My father ruffled his hair one more time and then turned to grab another bag he had left in the end of the stairs. _

_I despised him for leaving, and I also despised my mother for not doing anything to stop him. I knew that he already had another woman that was waiting for him in a car outside. I knew he had been seeing her for almost a year. He had kept smiling to us as if nothing had happened and he kept kissing my mother as if he wasn't cheating. But I also knew that Letizia Vargas knew all that all along and she had done nothing. She had given up. _

"_Felciano, why don't you bring me a glass of water?" He asked. _

_Feliciano nodded and ran to the kitchen with a smile in his face because his father had asked him something. I stayed in silence waiting for my father to talk, because his intention of staying alone with me was quite obvious. _

_Paolo Vargas sighed and walked until he was in front of me. He put a hand on my shoulder and squeezed it. I remained with a poker face and watched as he tried to choose the right words to say. He opened and closed his mouth two times before finally talking. _

"_Won't you come with me Lovi?" _

_My body froze because I wasn't expecting that. I thought he was leaving everything behind, why would he want me with him and his lover? I frowned. _

"_Why do you want me to go with you?"_

"_Because you are my son."_

"_And Feliciano?"_

_He stayed quiet for a while before answering, but I already knew what he was going to say. _

"_I can't take him. Letizia would not let me do it. She loves him too much. She would follow me everywhere to have him back." _

_I knew his words were true. Since my brother's birth, my mother had conserved Feliciano by her side. She said he was hers and no one else. That's why Feliciano got a room for himself at the age of three. That's why she would buy him all the toys he asked for. That's why she would become crazy if someone took him away from her and no one wanted a crazy woman around. _

"_As long as Feliciano stays here, I will." I muttered. _

"_You protect him too much Lovi." My father said with a sad smile. "It will only cause you problems. You can be happier with me than with her." _

"_I know" I mumbled. "But I can't leave him alone. He is too dumb."_

_Paolo Vargas laughed when I said that. Feliciano took that moment to return with a glass full of water. Paolo grabbed it and drank slowly. I watched him as the water disappeared from the glass. When he finished he gave me the glass and looked at the stairs. Maybe he wanted to say goodbye to his ex-wife, but maybe he was just saying goodbye to eight years of suffering. He shook his head and then turned to see us, his two sons. _

"_I have to leave now."_

"_Where are you going daddy?" Feliciano asked. _

"_To a trip Feli." He said and my frown deepened. Couldn't he say the damn truth to his son? Feliciano was going to understand sooner or later, but maybe he was leaving me that part; the part where I had to console my brother because his dad left him alone. _

_He raised Feliciano in his arms and hugged him. Feliciano happily returned the hug and kissed him in the cheeks. Paolo laughed and left his son again in the ground. _

"_Good luck dad!" _

_I felt how my heart started to hurt at every beat. Feliciano was so innocent and didn't understand. I envied him because he didn't have to suffer this moment like me. _

_My dad turned to look at me and sighed. I walked to the little mountain of bags he had left in the floor and grabbed two. _

"_I'll help you" I muttered softly. _

_As I had thought, a red car was waiting in front of the house. When we went out, a woman of black hair stepped out of the vehicle and ran to help us with the bags. Alicia was her name if I remember well. I thanked her with a polite tone. She didn't have the fault. She had just fallen in love with a guy that had turned to be my dad. _

_Once all the bags were in the car she murmured a goodbye and entered the car. My dad stayed outside looking at me. _

"_Are you sure about your decision?" _

"_I am" _

"_Well then, I guess I should say goodbye."_

_He hugged me, but I didn't return the hug. I remained petrified in my place with my heart beating quickly and a horrible pain in my chest. _

"_I hate you" I murmured and I felt how he tensed. "I fucking hate you because you are running away."_

_His arms tightened around me. I felt his breath in my neck and then something wet. He was crying. His hand traveled through my hair for a moment before he let me go. _

"_I am sorry Lovino, but I am not a brave man. Sometimes something is too much, even for the strongest man." He kissed my forehead and his fingers cleaned the tears I hadn't notice that were falling from my eyes. "But I will never forget you. I will protect you, my son. Of that you can be sure."_

"I remained standing in that same place for hours." I said with a sigh. "When I turned around to go back to the house, I saw her. I saw my mother standing by the window watching me. At that time I ignored the strange look she was sending me because I thought she was just mourning her loss, but I was so wrong Antonio. I couldn't have been more wrong, because later on I discovered that those eyes were ones that only showed madness."

I sighed and closed my eyes. I felt when Antonio grabbed my hand and encouraged me with a squeeze to continue.

"She discovered that the only thing that could make him return was me, so she used me as much as she could because she could never accept the fact that he was not part of her life anymore."

"_Lovino!"_

_I heard her screaming my name one time and then another. I sighed and decided to ignore her. She had been suspiciously interested in me since my father left. The first times I didn't notice. I was just happy for her sudden attention, but then I saw it. I saw how much she waited for his visit and then the disinterest and boredom once he left. _

_She was using me to see him. Even though he had left, she still wanted to see him. I just couldn't understand. My young mind of eight, now almost nine, years couldn't understand her actions. Was she a masochist? Wasn't seeing his ex-husband with another woman painful? She didn't show those emotions; the ones she should be having. _

"_Lovino! Come here my boy!"_

_I covered my ears with my hands. She was not going to be able to find me in this place. This was my secret hideout. Surrounded by green bushes and blooming flowers no one was able to see me. I had discovered the spot one day when I fell near the bushes. I had started to use it when I had three years and now, because of my own mother, it was like my second room. From the moment that I arrived home I ran, being careful of not being discovered, to my spot and hide. _

_She stopped screaming my name, but I could hear her frustrated mutterings that weren't exactly quiet. I bit my tongue to stop a laugh and then sighed in content. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath trying to smell the sweet scent of the flowers. _

"_Here you are"_

_The deep voice of my dad startled me. I opened my eyes and saw him bended over the bushes to see me. I looked around looking for my mother but she was not there. Paolo Vargas smiled understanding his son's anguish. _

"_I won't say anything of your hideout. Now, come out of there quickly."_

_I nodded and obeyed. Once I was standing beside him he hugged me. My mother suddenly appeared before us with an angry expression in her face. Her hands were each on one side of her hips making her appearance one of the old women showed in the movies. _

"_Why didn't you respond?"_

"_He was sleeping in the garden Letizia, please excuse him."_

_My father always found the perfect lie to prevent me from being scolded. _

"_I swear he is becoming one rebellious kid. Have you seen his bruises?" She took my arm and lifted up the sleeve of my hoodie. A dark spot on my skin immediately made my father's eyes to narrow. Not happy with exposing my arm, Letizia Vargas did the same exposing my chest. Yellow, green and light purple bruises covered my skin. _

"_What happened?" My dad asked. _

"_Nothing" I murmured shaking my mother's hands away. "A stupid fight"_

"_It doesn't look so stupid" He said sternly. I lowered my face and chose to remain quiet. Paolo Vargas turned to look at my mother, much to her delight. "Since how long has this happened?" _

"_I discovered it some months ago." She said with her voice full of fake concern. "I told him to stop, but he doesn't listen!" _

"_You are his mother. You should be able to do something." He said coldly. From the corner of my eye I saw how my mother sent me a dark look. "Lovi, I will teach you how to defend yourself, okay? But I don't want you to get involve in more fights; this is only to learn how to avoid being hit."_

_I nodded without lifting my head. He ruffled my hair. _

"_Dad!" _

_I heard Feliciano calling him and then he left my side. One of her hands grabbed roughly my arm, making me wince since she had just touched one of the fresh bruises, and shook me. I lifted a little bit my eyes scared of seeing those eyes full of madness. _

"_Just make sure those lessons actually take place." _

_And then she left. I watched her as she almost ran to my dad, who was playing with Feliciano. She turned to look at me and smiled innocently. I felt a shiver traveling through my body for I knew I could not take her words lightly. _

"But her happiness didn't last long." I sighed sadly. "We received the news of his death one day he hadn't arrived to one of my lessons. I remember she had stayed standing by the phone with empty eyes and Feliciano and I had to move her to her bed after some hours. She could not forget him, so she directed her attention to the closest thing that reminded her of him."

"And that was you?"

"I had always been told that I am the exact copy of my dad." I said opening my eyes slowly. Antonio squeezed my hand, probably not knowing what to say. I just smiled sadly and continued. "I started to notice something was not right with her. Of course I knew from before she was not completely okay, but I discovered she was sick in a deeper way."

"_Lovino" She sang. I felt my whole body tense with her call. Something didn't feel right. Something in her voice sounded sinister. "My little Lovino come please!" _

_I took a deep breath and expulsed the air from my lungs. If I didn't go up to her room, she would throw a tantrum and that had become something worse than a simple bruise. I climbed up the stairs slowly, step by step. With every meter I got close to her room, my whole body started to feel cold. Finally I reached her door. I stood there watching the dark wood with my heart full of fear. _

"_Fratello? What are you doing?"_

_I jumped when I heard Feliciano's voice behind me. I looked over my shoulder and saw my little brother looking at me with curious eyes; brown and dark eyes that were exactly the same as my mother's. _

"_Nothing Feli. Mom called. Go and play with your new toys."_

"_Okay" He said with a laugh and disappeared. _

_The door suddenly opened and Letizia Vargas looked at me with a smile that caused my heart to tremble. Her hair was a total chaos; tangled and oily from the lack of bath. She wore the same blue jeans from three days ago, but the shirt had changed. Instead of the flowery blouse, now she was wearing a long sleeve deep-blue shirt. _

_She grabbed me from my arm and pulled me until I was inside of the room. I heard the door closing, but I ignored it as I saw the state of the room. Shirts, socks, skirts and more were lying all over the room's floor. But what drew my attention was the big mirror in front of the bed. _

_I remembered the day when my dad had arrived with the mirror. Letizia had been euphoric. She had bought a wooden frame and put it in front of the bed in order to "see the wonderful gift whenever she woke up". Now that same mirror had several cracks all over its surface. The point where all the cracks converged formed a circle of the size of my fist. As I got closer, I saw a red liquid dripping from the sharp pieces of the mirror. Blood. _

_I turned around looking for my mother. Who else would have done that? She was standing beside the door with a smile on her face. My eyes traveled to her hands. The left one was dripping with scarlet drops of blood. I ran immediately and took her hand. _

"_Why on hell did you do that?!" I exclaimed taking a look at her hand. _

_It was not a bad wound, but I had to clean it. Transparent shards of the mirror were embedded to her skin. I pulled her to the bathroom and grabbed a towel. Carefully I took out every shard I could see, but I knew some were still inside. I cleaned the hand with the towel and water until there was a little amount of blood. _

_In all the time it took me to do all this I didn't hear my mother say a word. That scared me. Why wasn't she talking? Or at least making a sound of pain? I looked up at my mother's face. She seeing me with two brown eyes full of a strange shine. _

"_Oh my Lovino." She said raising the same hand I had been cleaning. She pressed it against my cheek and caressed it. I felt a shiver passing through my back at her touch. Something was wrong with her. "Do you know that you look like your father?" _

_I felt how the blood left my face. _

"_Do you?" She insisted pressing harder her hand to my face at my silence. I nodded not trusting my voice. "You are so lucky" She said. _

_I could feel the stickiness from the blood she was leaving on my skin, but I did not dare to push her hand away. Something in the way her eyes shined made me stay completely still. _

"_Your dad always attended to my wounds. Just like you did. Just like him." _

_My body shook imperceptibly as the horrific realization hit me. She had hit the damn mirror so that I had to clean her wound. She was not seeing me as her son Lovino, but as the little reincarnation of his lost love. The idea made my body stay where it was in complete stillness. My mother just kept talking but I couldn't hear her. She had to go to a doctor. _

"_M..mom" I stuttered and she look at me directly to the eyes. I swallowed full of fear before talking. "I think we have to go to the hospital. We need a doctor for your hand."_

_Her eyes turned completely cold and I knew I had just taken the wrong step. My head turned violently to one side when she hit me. I didn't say a word even when the pain was increasing. My eyes were wide open full of fear while I waited for her next movement. _

"_Now, now, my Lovi, don't be stupid. We don't need a doctor." She grabbed my chin and turned my face roughly so that I was facing her. The shine of madness was there, completely visible, in her eyes. "I only need you, do you understand?" I nodded but she didn't let me go. Instead, she bended over me until her mouth was beside my ear. "Let's keep this a secret from everyone my dear Lovino. It is our secret." Her breath made me shiver involuntarily. She kissed my ear and then laughed. "Let's take a bath!"_

_The sudden change in her mood startled me, but I didn't have too much time to stay thinking of what had just happened because she pulled me and took me to the shower. _

I stopped abruptly. My whole body tensed and my heart started to beat faster.

"Lovi? Are you okay? Lovi!" Antonio asked with a worried tone, but I didn't answer him. I was just too scared because all the memories suddenly returned to my head. I could see clearly her eyes in front of me watching me with a mockery expression. "Lovi, _por favor responde._"

"I feel her eyes" I mumbled putting my hand over my eyes.

Antonio hugged me immediately.

"I'm here with you Lovi. She's not here. _Sólo yo." _He whispered in my ear. I felt how my body relaxed after hearing his words. "_Así es _Lovi, _relájate." _

I took a deep breath and felt the control returning to my body. I realized how close Antonio was and my cheeks started to get warm.

"Back off!" I exclaimed pushing him. Instead of pouting, as he always did, Antonio smiled.

"That's the Lovi I know."

"Shut up" I said feeling my cheeks getting redder. "Let me continue."

Antonio nodded with that stupid smile still present in his lips. I ignored the thought of how kissable those lips looked and concentrated in continuing my history.

"Everything turned worse after that. She constantly hurt herself and then called me to heal her. But it wasn't enough. She wanted more."

_I heard her crying in the bathroom when I entered her room. She had called me again and I had almost gotten used to her crazy antics and self-harm. She had done everything. She hit the mirror; she cut "accidentally" her hand with the knife; a dog bit her; she kicked too hard a wall and her ankle broke; she fell form the bed and "hit" the nightstand. Those were some of the things she had done and I couldn't remember what else. _

_Nine months I had healed her after every "accident". Nine months seeing her smile full of madness. Nine months healing a crazy woman. _

_Of course Feliciano knew nothing of all this. He only knew that her mom had become weak and clumsy and always had accidents. I had assumed the role of the good son and brother that helped his mom. _

_Oh how much I envied my brother's ignorance. I wished I could have remained in the darkness. I wished so much for my dad to be still alive, but it was impossible. I couldn't change the reality. My father was dead and my mother was crazy. _

"_The perfect life for a boy" I murmured bitterly. _

"_Lovino? Is that you my sweet boy?" Letizia Vargas asked. _

_I grimaced. Day by day her words had become sweeter, more hypocrite and dangerous. I was already used to her that traitorous tone. I walked to the bathroom and found her sitting in the floor looking at two blades in her hands. I quickly took the blades from her hand. This was becoming serious, but she would never agree to go and see a doctor. _

_Whilst I did that she took advantage to close the bathroom's door. Now we were inside of her bathroom completely alone with no threat of interruption. She was looking at me with eyes that told me something was being assembled in her mind. _

"_What's the matter mom?" I mumbled to break the silence. _

"_Come here Lovi" She asked with her hand pointing the floor beside her. "Sit with me my child."_

_I obeyed reluctantly. What was she planning? _

"_Do you like the blades?" _

_I looked at her surprised and then to the blades. What? Why would she ask that? How was I supposed to answer? _

"_I…." I cleared my throat and tried again. "I do not like them." _

"_But why?" She said with fake surprise. She dropped the act and smiled. She could be sick and crazy, but her strength had not disappeared. I discovered that when she grabbed the hand where I had the blades. I tried to push her away, but her grip tightened and made me groan in pain. She just laughed and the simple sound of her laugh made me shiver. _

"_You know Lovino, recently I discovered the real reason why Paolo left. I just let him forget me easily." She pulled me until her face was just a few centimeters in front of mine. "I just have to make sure you don't forget me." _

_I couldn't talk. The fear was too strong. She took advantage of that and pulled my hand until the blades were near her wrist. I tried to take away my hand but she was too strong. I could only watch as she pressed the sharp metals against her skin and then the blood started to come out. _

"_Stop, stop, stop!" I screamed pulling my hand to stop what she was doing, but my attempts to free myself only caused the blades to sink deeper in her skin. My fingers started to get red and I could only stare at the scarlet liquid that fell down to the floor. My mother was only smiling and laughing as if she couldn't feel the pain. Maybe she didn't. Maybe she was so screwed that she didn't feel the pain and enjoyed seeing mine. _

"_Stop" I begged now crying. _

_She looked at me for a moment and then separated the blade from her skin. I stopped sobbing and looked at her eyes pleading for her to let me go, but she didn't. _

"_Why are you crying my boy?" She asked with a mocking smile. She placed her bleeding hand in my cheek and squeezed it. "This is just a punishment."_

"_What did I do?"_

"_You didn't stop him. You didn't stop him!" She screamed making me jump, but she kept her grip on my hand tight to avoid letting me scape. "With this you will not forget me and you will pay for your sins. You will remember how much pain you caused me. You will always remember that you hurt me. You are not going to forget me like him." _

_An idea suddenly sank in my mind. She had always said that I resembled my dad, and judging for her way of acting, she linked me with him. It was as if I was the perfect replacement of my own father. All the things she wanted to say to him were said to me. All the sadness and anger was directed towards me. I was the vessel of her revenge against my father only because I resembled him. The thought made me frown with disgust. It wasn't as if I had asked for my face. I was born with this appearance. Why did I have to suffer because of it? _

_On the other hand, she was right in something. I was never going to forget this. The red drops that kept falling to the ground making a sticky puddle, the hysterical laugh of my mother, the bloodied blades in my hand, and my own hand stained with red. I was never going to forget all those things. I was hurting my mother and couldn't do anything to stop it. _

_But the most shocking thing was that I could feel deep inside of me that I was happy that she was suffering. That horrified me. I was enjoying seeing my mom like this, reduced to a pathetic state where she couldn't do anything to ease her pain but creating more pain. It was stupid, it was illogic and it made me so angry that I was glad that she wasn't getting any relief. _

_I had discovered that I was just like her. _

"You are not like her!" Antonio exclaimed taking me out of my memories. I looked at him surprised. He looked so angry, as if the mere idea of me thinking I was like my mother was a blasphemy. I couldn't help but laugh at his reaction, but that made him angrier.

"I am serious Lovi, you are not like her. Don't ever think that again."

"I was nine Antonio. A kid that didn't know what was happening. It is logic that I reached that conclusion."

"But you still believe it."

"Maybe, but not like then. I was so sure I was someone as selfish and putrid as her that I started to do all that she demanded. Everything."

Antonio turned to look at me with curious eyes making a silent question.

"Do you really want to know?" He nodded. I didn't expect him to say otherwise. "I helped her to cut. I lied every day to my brother. I just had lost all the hope of being like him because he was so pure and I was so filthy. My mother just laughed and I hated to hear her because I could see she understood all that I was doing and thinking."

"Why did she…?"

I interrupted him.

"Her method to ease her pain was not working, so she searched for another. Cutting was one, but nothing made her forget. She was desperate until one day she gave up." I sighed remembering her tantrums every time she realized it was not working. "I was not in a better position. I started to get into fights. I joined a gang. I just wanted to get out of that fucking house at all costs."

"You in a gang?" Antonio asked. "I cannot imagine that."

"It was not nice. I was always covered in wounds and Feliciano started to suspect. In the end I was discovered and from that moment everything broke down to a living hell."

_Everything hurt. My arms, my stomach, my eye, my legs. I had beaten them but the victory was not sweet. I had been really close to losing. Now I couldn't move. I was lying beside a trash container watching the clouds in the sky. Maybe after some hours of resting there my body would move. I sighed, but even that hurt. _

"_Pathetic" I mumbled to myself. _

_Something impacted with the ground making a loud noise. Someone yelped with a pitched voice. The first thing that I thought was that there was a girl in the alley, but it was not possible. Why would a girl come to an alley full of trash? Maybe the girl was a beggar that was searching for something useful in the trash. Even if it was not time to, I felt relief. I didn't have in me anything valuable; the girl was just going to leave me there. _

_I closed my eyes trying to ignore the pain. Little by little my whole body started to feel dumb. I could hear my heart pumping slowly. I felt so relaxed and calmed, like I hadn't felt for so long. All my thoughts were focused on the rhythm of my breather that was getting more slowly. I felt as if I could sleep forever. _

_Suddenly a hand grabbed my shoulder and shook me roughly. I tried to open my eyes, but I was so tired that I couldn't do it. Then I heard his voice; Feliciano's voice. _

"_Fratello! Fratello! Please open your eyes, open your eyes."_

_He was crying. I could feel his tears falling in my face, but I couldn't please him. My eyes were closed and were going to remain like that. I could only watch the darkness. He hugged my head and kissed my hair. _

"_You can't leave me alone Lovi."_

_Leave him alone? Leaving him with that woman. Leaving him to face all the torture that was supposed to be mine. Leaving him to bear my punishment. No, I couldn't do that. I forced my eyes to open. My sight was all blurry, but I could distinguish the silhouette of a person with brown hair. I blinked several times until the image of Feliciano cleared. _

_My poor brother was crying, his eyes all red, and his hair falling to his face in a mess. When he saw my eyes open, he smiled with relief and hugged me tighter. _

"_Thanks God, thanks God." He murmured time after time. _

"_Feli, why are you here?" I finally asked. _

"_I followed you." He confessed. "I saw the fight. I thought…..I thought they had killed you. When I saw then running away I thought they had killed you." More tears started to fall from his eyes. "Promise me you will not do this again Lovino. Promise me!" He sounded so desperate, so afraid. Like a little kid seeing a scary movie. _

"_I promise" I said trying to smile. My sight faded and my eyes closed again. _

_When I opened them again I was in a hospital. A white room. Feliciano was sitting beside me with my hand between his. He smiled to me when I moved, but his eyes reflected his worry. How had I ended there? I don't know. Feliciano was not strong enough to carry me all the way to a hospital. He must have called someone. _

"_Finally you are awake." _

_I turned to see a doctor that had just entered the room. During the next hour I listened the man talking about my wounds. Two ribs were broken; I had contusions in my head; my right wrist had been close to a fracture so I had to keep it bandaged. In resume the whole explanation of why I was bandaged and how to take care of the wounds. When he finished the doctor glanced at me and then turned to look at Feliciano. _

"_Feliciano can you please go and bring your brother a glass of water?"_

_Feliciano nodded and left the room. The doctor didn't waste time and started talking again. _

"_I didn't want to talk about these things in front of a little kid like your brother Lovino." He lowered the wooden table he had used to take notes of my condition. "You are extremely malnourished and none of your parents have come to see you." _

_None of my parents have come to see me. Well it was expected. My father was dead. Only if he turned into a zombie he could come. And my mother. Well she hadn't left the house in months and she didn't care about my health. Why would she come? But if she hadn't come, then she had stayed all this fucking time alone in the house with Feliciano. Panic started to pump through my veins and the doctor perceived it. _

"_Are you okay Lovino?"_

"_Yeah." I muttered trying to regain my control. "My dad is dead so he is not able to come and my mom is sick. Her condition doesn't allow her to leave the house."_

"_Well that explains why Feliciano took care of everything."_

"_Has he stayed all the time here?"_

"_Yes. He even slept beside you. He has been three days watching over you."_

_Three days. Three fucking days. She had been three fucking days alone. She could have done many things during those days. Oh God, I had to return to that house. _

"_When can I leave?"_

_The doctor raised an eyebrow at my sudden urgency. _

"_In two days if everything goes well."_

"_Can't I return today?"_

"_Why the urgency?"_

_I had to lie. _

"_My mom. I take care of her."_

_The doctor watched my face for a moment studying every movement I made. After some seconds he ruffled my hair and smiled. _

"_I will try to speed up everything." _

_It took me one more day to finally leave the hospital. Feliciano was jumping by my side as we arrived to the house. From the outside it looked like a normal house. The windows were clean, the garden was well kept, and the family that lived there never made too much noise. It was all a cover for the disaster that took place inside. _

_When I opened the door a bitter smell covered everything. I tried to look for the cause of the smell, but I couldn't find it in the hallway. I walked to the kitchen and watched in horror. The refrigerator was wide open along with the freezer in the upper part. I could see a puddle of water and some other kind of brown liquid in the floor. On the top of the table there was a dish with the remains of what I think was meat. A single pot was on the stove and I guessed it was full of something inedible. She must have done it. _

"_Feliciano, can you help me to get rid of all this? I think mom tried to cook but failed." _

_Feliciano nodded but I noticed his smile was gone. I ignored his face, even if it made me realize that he was not as gullible as I thought, and ran upstairs. Her door was closed, but I didn't expect otherwise. I opened it and saw her lying in her bed. When she heard the door squeak her head turned to look at me. _

_I looked at the mess she was. Her hair was all tangled and messy, probably she didn't take a bath during all those days she had been alone; her eyes were red and puffy because of the tears that fell from them; her clothes were wrinkled and dirty with dark spots that I presumed were dried blood. _

"_Where were you Lovino?" She asked standing up._

_I closed the door and waited until she was in front of me. I was surprised when she hugged me. Her whole body was shaking and she smelled bad. Yep, she hadn't taken a bath. Her hands traveled through my back up to my hair. _

"_My dear boy. I thought you had forgotten me like he did." _

_I tensed. Something felt wrong, more wrong than usual. She was acting strange, starting with the hug. I was suddenly pulled to the bathroom, place where she usually did all her antics. She closed the door and pushed me until I was sitting on the floor. Her sudden rudeness made me feel uneasy. And as if nothing was strange before, she threw herself to my arms and started crying. _

_I just stayed there with a crying mother in my arms. What the hell was I supposed to do in this situation? She had never cried like this in front of me. Hell, she had never thrown herself to me like this. This was the type of physical contact I wanted to have with the mother I didn't have. _

_"You know my Lovino, your face is just like him"_

_Her soft hand caressed my cheek with tenderness, but I couldn't feel anything but fear. The hand suddenly grabbed my chin and lift it up so I was seeing the woman who was owner of the hand. Soft brown hair loosed around a delicate face that contrasted with the crazy sparkle in her deep brown eyes. The eyes that my little brother had. She smiled and I trembled._

_I heard the sound of metal hitting stone. The blades. She was taking out the blades. I closed my eyes and felt a shiver when the sharp metal touched my neck's skin. It felt so cold and, big? I opened my eyes and saw her smiling. Then I saw it. I saw the big kitchen knife she had in her hand. I looked between the knife and my mother several times without understanding. _

"_My boy please end my suffering." She murmured in my ear. The knife was placed in my hand when she hugged me again. "Kill me." _

"_What?!" I exclaimed without believing I had just heard those words. _

_My entire body seemed to freeze while I processed her words. She wanted me to kill her? After all the things she had done and she wanted me to kill her? Just like that? I felt angry, but then the anger extinguished and the fear took its place. Kill her? I could not do that! She was my mother independently of what she had done. I didn't hate her; I was just angry with her. I could not bear the simple idea of her dying. She was the only family, besides Feliciano, that I had left. _

"_I can't" I muttered. "I can't" _

_"__Lovino, my beautiful boy. I know you can do it. You must do it."_

_She smiled and hugged me in her arms tighter. I remained in silence, too much in shock to say something. My hazel eyes were wide opened and not focused in anything. _

_"__Just do it, my boy. Free me"_

"_I can't do it. Why me?"_

_"My poor Lovi, you have such a sad destiny." Letizia Vargas bended over me and our eyes locked. I could see all her pain, all her intentions, all the craziness, but I couldn't move and she knew it. "Why must you look like him my little son?"_

_She was ignoring my questions, so I was going to ignore her request. I tried to place the knife in the floor but she stopped me grabbing my wrist fiercely. _

"_You must do it!" She screamed hysterically. I felt how she pulled my hand positioning the knife at the height of her heart. I tried to pull my hand away, but everything was useless. Her painful grip in my wrist didn't let me move at all. I tried to hit her with my other hand, but she stopped me with her other hand. My desperation grew when I felt her pulling my hand again. We started to struggle. I was trying to save her life; she was trying to take her away her own life. _

"_Stop!" I screamed in the middle of my desperation. "Don't do this! Stop th…."_

_My voice failed me when I felt the knife piercing something that was smooth but at the same time strong. We both stopped moving and looked at the knife. The sharp metal was half-way inside of her chest. Blood stained her clothes as it slowly came out from the wound. My eyes opened in shock. I had just stabbed my own mother! _

"_Yes, my boy, like that. Now just finish it." She whispered with a strained voice. She was hurting. The fucking wound was taking her life away and I had caused it. My hands started to shake and that caused my mother to frown. _

"_Don't be scared" She whispered. "I'll help you."_

_Really slowly she placed her hands on the hand that was grabbing the knife. I had not dropped the killing instrument because of the shock in which I was. She looked at me one last time before smiling in content. She pushed it. _

_I heard her pained yelp and how her hands started to tremble. My hands dropped to my sides and I stayed shocked in my place watching her die. The knife was now completely inside of her body, only the black handgrip could be seen. Her chest rose and fell each second with a slower pace. _

"_Lovi…"_

_I blinked when I heard her calling me. Her face was completely white and the eyes that were a few seconds ago full of madness now held a shocking clearness. She was looking at me with so much fear, but what I could see the most in those eyes was the regret. _

_She tried to lift her hand one last time but her arm fell mid-way to my face. She no longer had the strength. Tears started to fall from her eyes as she watched me. The last thing I remember she did was moving her lips to articulate her last words, and then she fell to the floor and died. _

"What words did she say?" Antonio asked after a moment of silence. He was grabbing my hand with his knuckles completely white, but I didn't feel pressure in his grip. He must have been holding his anger by tensing his muscles.

I turned to look at him. I don't know what my eyes were showing when I talked, but I could still feel the confusion and anger that filled me every time I remember her words.

"_I am sorry"_

* * *

**Translations (If I have any mistake of any kind, please tell me. It helps a lot :D)**_  
_

**Spanish**

Lovi,_por favor responde. _ **Lovi, please answer me. ****  
**

_Sólo yo. _ **Only me**

_Así es _Lovi, _relájate. _ **(Okay this one is actually a tricky one because it is not translated literally because of the context xD) It can be translated into something like this: Yes Lovi, relax/ Like that Lovi, relax. ****  
**


	21. Chapter 21

**Hello there! I have only four more days until I return to school :'( One moment of silence for all the poor souls that are already in school or are going to return soon. **

**In this chapter I concentrated more in the relationship between Lovino and Antonio, so please bear with me for a little bit until I write the next part :D I hope that everyone had had enjoyed their vacations (no matter how long they were)! **

**_Danise Nowak _  
**

* * *

_**Ch. 21 Recovery**_

I was currently being hugged by a crazy Spaniard.

Seconds after I finished with my history he threw himself to me and I was trapped between his arms. I could not escape. I tried to silence that little part of my brain that told me this was not bad, but my body betrayed my intentions and didn't move against the Spaniard's affection.

I sighed defeated and closed my eyes. It was incredible how Antonio's heat could warm me up in seconds. I blushed immediately after thinking that and moved to try to push Antonio away, but I failed. Antonio's grip became tighter and I was left with no option but lean into his hug.

I took a deep breath and then my thinking process stopped. Antonio's scent flooded my nose and I could only let a stupid smile curve my lips. I knew it was creepy but Antonio's scent calmed my heart. It was one of the few things that I didn't mind of him, when he was hugging me of course. It was my guilty pleasure.

I felt how Antonio loosened his arms and separated our bodies just a little bit. Now he was only centimeters apart from my face, with his arms still around my waist, and with deep emerald eyes observing me.

There were few things that could make me more nervous than when someone stayed watching my face. It made me wonder what they were seeing. It made me feel self-conscious. I didn't like the sensation so I averted my eyes and frowned.

"What are you watching bastard?"

He just laughed.

"Are you mockin…?"

I didn't finish my sentence because his lips didn't allow me. My eyes widened for a moment, but then I leaned into the kiss and closed them. I felt his hands going up until they were in my hair. As we moved our lips, he explored every single corner of my face. His warm fingers roamed through my cheekbones, then to my eyebrows, and finally caressing softly my cheeks. He bit my lip softly to distract me from his hands and licked it. I opened my mouth letting his tongue pass through. I felt how he smiled and a warm feeling started to form in my chest. The feeling of his tongue touching my teeth and then inciting my own to move was still strange but completely amazing at the same time. I raised my hands slowly until I touched his cheeks. I had never touched his face, so why not take this chance when he couldn't see my embarrassed face? My fingers started to trace a path through his face with painful slowness, but I could feel that I was going to do a mess if hurried them. His skin was soft and warm under my touch. My fingers traveled to his nose and I felt timidly the straight bone and then I continued with his hair. Silky brown curls were entangled between my fingers as I pressed Antonio's head to deepen the kiss.

And then, in a little pause we made to breathe, I saw something moving outside of the blurry white door. Antonio followed my gaze with confused eyes. There was only one person capable of spying.

"Feliciano stop hiding and get the fuck inside." I growled.

I waited in complete silence with Antonio's eyes fixed in me. He wanted to continue what I had interrupted but I could not do that knowing there was someone watching. After some seconds, where the frown that had appeared in my forehead deepened, the knob of the door moved. Feliciano entered the room with his a red face and closed the door behind him.

At least he had the decency of looking ashamed.

"Spying is not good Feli." Antonio said with a smile. He took my hand and squeezed it to catch my attention. The look he sent me told me we were not over with the previous action.

"I am so sorry!" Feliciano said immediately, but when he looked at me, a knowing smile appeared in his lips. That fucking….! He had planned it! "I just wanted to make sure everything was okay, because I heard screams and then…." His smile fell.

It hit me then that he had listened to everything I had told.

"How much did you listen?" I asked.

He looked at me with sad eyes. Light brown eyes that shinned with unshed tears. He threw his arms around my neck and I felt him shaking.

"I am sorry." He murmured in my ear. I could feel he was not just apologizing for spying. "I was so blind. I didn't see how my own brother was suffering."

I covered his mouth with my hand because I knew he was not going to stop talking if I didn't stop him. I didn't want to hear words that expressed thoughts I already knew. He was my brother. I knew how he thought.

"You were little Feli. There was nothing you could do."

"That's not true" He said with a sad smile. "Being little is not an excuse because you also were young _fratello_. Ignorance is not an excuse, only a sin. I didn't saw what was happening because I was comfortable with my life as it was. I was just being selfish."

I opened my mouth to protest. Why was he thinking that? The only reason why he couldn't see what was happening was because I maintained everything in the darkness; far, far away from him. Just as I had done with him, he covered my mouth with his hand. From the corner of my eye I could see a little smile in Antonio's lips when Feliciano did that.

"Stop it_ fratello_. Stop carrying all over your shoulders. Everyone played a part, not only you. I will not accept any allegation to this. You understand what I am saying?"

His eyes looked at me expectantly. There was no doubt in those eyes. There was no space for my stupid excuses because I knew he was right, but I didn't want to accept it. I couldn't just do the opposite thing I had always done. But his eyes were staring at me with so much force as if he could see my doubts that I gave up. In the moment that I thought that, I felt how a heavy weight was pulled off me.

"Yes"

My words were barely audible, but he smiled when he heard them. The next thing he did shocked me completely. Feliciano took my hand with one hand and then Antonio's hand with the other and proceeded to join them. Antonio's fingers immediately curled around mine. Feliciano held our hands with a little smile in his lips and then he spoke.

"I was blind Lovino and couldn't help you. I am glad that you found someone that saw what was tormenting you and didn't run away. Take care of him _fratello_, because there are few like him."

After that he released our hands and walked to the door with multiple little jumps. Before going out he turned to me and flashed me a smile.

"Get better soon _fratello_."

The door closed with a soft click leaving a shocked me inside. I felt how Antonio's arms surrounded my waist. He didn't say a word and I appreciated it. I raised my hand and placed it on his cheek. His green emerald eyes focused on my face at my gesture.

"He was not disgusted." I murmured. "He actually gave us his approval. He…."

"Of course he was not disgusted Lovi. _Es tu hermano._ He loves you." Antonio interrupted me.

"I thought he…" I squeezed his hand when words failed me.

"I haven't met someone that loves his brother as much as Feliciano." He said placing a kiss on my cheek.

I let a sigh pass through my lips and leaned to his touch.

"I'm so glad I met you Antonio" I muttered. "I'm so fucking glad."

I fell asleep after some minutes, but before Antonio made me promise that I was going to cooperate with the doctor. The last thing I saw were his eyes looking at me with tenderness. When I saw nothing but the darkness that always awaited me behind my closed eyelids, I prayed to whatever God that wanted to hear me to make real all that happened. I knew I wouldn't resist if I woke up and everything turned to be something my mind had made up.

It took all my courage to open my eyes when I woke up. I had been lying in the bed for like ten minutes with my eyes closed hoping to hear that deep voice that always made my heart beat faster, but I didn't. The first thing I saw-and shoot me because I couldn't believe I had expected otherwise-was the whiteness of the ceiling. I chuckled bitterly at my stupidity and sat on the bed. I looked around and saw no one. My heart fell and I shook my head slowly. I stopped when I noticed the small red cup that was on the white, seriously why the obsession with the colour, stand beside the bed. The dark brown liquid that was inside sent a shiver through my back.

I reached for the cup with trembling hands and took a little sip of the content. The sweet taste of chocolate flooded my mouth. Hot chocolate. Only one person had given me hot chocolate. The door opened and the stupid, because he was not there when I woke up, Antonio came in with a brown bag in his hand.

"I brought _churros!_" He exclaimed in the happiest tone I have ever listened. "You do remember them, _verdad?"_ He asked when he saw my blank expression. I nodded and a big smile appeared in his lips.

He practically jumped to my bed and sat in front of me making me bend my legs to make him some space. He opened the bag and offered me one of the delicious-I was not going to deny it- _churros. _I took it immediately and bit it delighted to have that soft dough in my mouth one more time. He chuckled and I kicked him.

"_Ah vamos Lovi."_ He said between chuckles. "You must admit you love them."

"When did I say I didn´t?" I muttered. "I was just annoyed by your stupid smile."

"Lies! You love my smile."

"I don't!"

"Then you love my lips!"

"I d…."

His lips crushed softly with mine to silence me. He licked the reminders of sugar I had in them and chuckled. My face was completely red, of that I was sure.

"If you hate them, why don't you push me away when I kiss you?"

"Y….you….bastard!"

"I see you are in high spirits today Lovino" said a new voice.

Oh great, now the stupid Dr. Moser was there to bother me again. I cursed under my breath. Antonio squeezed my hand to remind me of the promise I had made with him. I looked at him for a little bit frowning but then I nodded knowing I was defeated.

"Moser" I said as a greeting. The doctor, already used to my attitude, only sighed.

"I talked too soon, didn't I?"

I smirked gaining a pinch in the arm from Antonio as a scold.

"Now, we must check your status." Dr. Moser said walking to a little machine that was on one side of the bed. "The serum must be replaced." He wrote something in the paper he had on the little tablet he always carried and then turned to me. "The latest results from your blood analysis are ready." He suddenly stopped finally realizing that Antonio was still there. "I think visit hours are not until 10."

"Who cares" I muttered tightening my hand around Antonio's.

The doctor's eyes traveled from my red face to our hands and finally to the Spaniard that had a goofy smile in his face. Something seemed to make click in his mind because he suddenly opened his mouth to form a perfect "O" with his lips.

"I see." He said with a knowing smile. I had to contain myself from hitting his stupid face to erase that expression. "Well then, I will continue. I know this is old info but you are lacking of several nutriments and that caused you a little case of anemia. I highly suggest you mister…" He said looking to Antonio. "To insist your friend to eat. He is such a rebellious patient, but I am sure you can handle him, right?"

I am sure I saw two red horns in his head. He was such a sly doctor! How unprofessional. How could he involve someone that is not even related to me? How dare he to use Antonio as my fucking babysitter? But of course, the dumb Spaniard only laughed and assured the doctor he would do it. From that on, I remained in complete silence whilst the doctor told Antonio all the little mishaps I had caused. The idiot only laughed sending me occasionally an amused look.

"Enough already!" I exclaimed when the doctor arrived to the incident with the needle.

"I am finished then" Dr. Moser said, the smile never leaving his lips and that pissed me off. "I'll return later."

The door closed and it didn't take Antonio two seconds to start laughing hysterically.

"I can't believe you did all that."

"Shut up!"

The door opened again and I looked annoyed at the person that was standing at the door. Couldn't the visits end? Too many persons had entered my room today. The old man ignored me to my annoyance and entered.

"I hope you are feeling better Lovino."

"Yes" I said.

I had still not forgotten the little break down he had in front of me and I was afraid. I was so fucking afraid of what he would think of my relationship with Antonio. It was sad to admit, but I didn't know him enough to have the slightest idea of how he could react. I was stepping in unknown land. Antonio seemed to think the same because he let go of my hand and separated a little bit his body from mine.

The old man's eyes traveled to Antonio scrutinizing him for a while before returning to my face. I couldn't read in his face what he was thinking after observing Antonio and that made me feel nervous.

"Feliciano told me you are not going to obstruct anymore Dr. Moser's work. I am glad." He turned to Antonio and raised an eyebrow. "Who are you young man? I am afraid no one has presented us."

"He is Antonio, a friend of mine." I said quickly. "He is also in the FC Royal team."

"Another football player?" He said raising an eyebrow.

"Yes sir." Antonio said with a smile. In these kinds of moments I really admire Antonio's capacity to produce smiles. "It's an honor to meet you."

"He is a good kid Lovino, and polite." The old man said with a laugh. "Maybe you could teach Lovino to let go all those sailor words that leave his mouth."

"I am afraid that is a little bit impossible. Lovino is really stubborn."

"Indeed." The old man nodded with an approving expression in his face. "Lovino, I am going with Feliciano to the house for a moment. Anything you would like me to bring?"

"No"

"Fine, then we will return in a few hours."

I released a low growl full of frustration when the door closed and I let my body fall back. I put my hands over my eyes and took a deep breath.

"Your grandfather is a nice man."

"Sure."

"_Es en serio Lovi. _He cares about you."

"He really shows it." I said with sarcasm.

"Give him some credit. After all it seems that the difficulty of expressing feelings is in the family"

"You…." I started but then I thought in his words. "…are so damn right. Who could have thought that you were smart?"

"Hey!" Antonio said faking being insulted. "But now that I think about it-and yes Lovi, I do think-how did you finish with your grandfather?"

"That's a really curious history." I murmured. "How did I indeed?"

* * *

**Translations **

**Spanish **

___Es tu hermano _**He is your brother. ****  
**

___verdad? **Right?**_

___Ah vamos Lovi **Come on Lovi **_**  
**

_____Es en serio Lovi. **I am serious Lovi **_

**I think I don't have to put again churros right? :) **___**  
**_


	22. Chapter 22

**I think that apologizing a thousand times will not cover up for taking so long to update. I must say in my defense (although it is more an excuse) that I discovered this amazing T.V show called "Game of Thrones". Oh my, I finished two seasons in three days. Evidently I didn't write anything during that time and then add the fact that I had to hand in my projects. (I had to cook African food for one. It was incredible, but Moroccan food is SO complicated.) So the only thing left to say is a big fat I am sorry :) **

**_Danise Nowak_  
**

* * *

_**Ch. 22 Hurry up**_

"_Answer Lovino" _

_I remained in silence looking at the woman that was before me. Fierce blue eyes with golden hair that fell down her back. She had been looking at me all the time; not a single eye diversion. Her hands were tangled over the table showing perfect manicured nails. There was a long silver cylinder that I knew was a recorder beside her hands. She was smiling, although I could feel her frustration building up. It was not going to take long for her strategy to turn aggressive. _

_The routine had repeated for three days. I had been three hours sitting in the same dark room with only the woman before me and a police officer at my back as company. She had asked the same question with different words over and over again and I didn't utter a single word. _

_Why should I answer her questions when it was clear what she thought? Why should I bother trying to explain when they had already decided what had happened? It was easier to accept the lie. _

"_I'll repeat one last time Lovino." She said untangling her hands. "Why were you in the room with your mother?" _

_I looked at a little red light that shined in the dark room. It came from the thin silver cylinder on the table. It turned on and off every 20 seconds to show it was recording everything said. The woman took the cylinder and with a sigh pushed a bottom in it and the light disappeared. The silver device was placed on the table again and the woman looked at me expectantly. I just smirked and for the first time I talked. _

"_Do you expect me to believe this is the only recording machine?" I mumbled shaking my head with disappointment. "Even a kid can know that machine was just a bluff. The real one cannot be seen."_

"_You are pretty clever for your age." She said smiling a little bit, but I could see her discomfort. "Your father must be proud."_

"_He is dead" I said coldly. "It's disappointing that you cannot do the whole research of your assigned suspect, don't you think?"_

_The smile disappeared and she pressed her lips together until only a line could be seen. She took a deep breath. I suppose it was to avoid hitting me. I heard the soft sound of clothes brushing against skin and then I felt the presence of someone beside me. I looked at the police officer from the corner of my eyes. He had approached the table as a warning. _

"_Answer the questions kid" He said. _

_I looked at him and then to the woman. Kid. I was just a fucking kid to their eyes. But a normal kid wouldn't have seen and lived what I had. I didn't consider myself a simple kid. I was just something that had managed to survive. They thought I was just being selfish and capricious, and I was, but the real reason was that I knew they were not going to understand my words._

"_You are going to remain quiet Lovino?" She asked again biting her lower lip. "You know that it can be used to blame you for the…..accident. You could be charged and taken to a reformatory." _

"_It is not a pretty place." The policeman said with a smirk. _

_I closed my eyes and felt the fatigue soaring through my body. I had not slept more than three hours each night since they had found me in that room. My eyes were heavy and my head kept hurting. I just wanted to close my eyes and sleep, but the image of my death mother kept appearing before my eyelids. I could not sleep and I was so tired; so tired that I didn't care about anything. _

"_I don't care."_

"_What?"_

"_I don't fucking care." I murmured with my eyes still closed. "I just want this to finish." My eyes opened slowly. The woman was looking at me with surprise written all over her face. Indeed, my words were strange for anyone. _

"_But, what about your brother? Don't you want to be with him?"_

_A sad smile appeared in my mouth. _

"_He is not in danger anymore. I will only cause him problems." _

_She opened her mouth once more but I never got to listen to her words because the door opened suddenly. A man entered the room stomping his feet on the floor until he was standing beside me. He sent the woman a hard look full of anger and put his hand on my shoulder. _

"_I think the boy should leave." _

_Everyone in the room looked at the newcomer with confusion. Leave? Weren't they interrogating him for the murder of his mother? Why would they let him go now? _

"_We have the results from the mother. She was not in…"He turned to look at me for a second before continuing. "…the best mental conditions." _

"_I see, then, shall we go outside?" _

_I lowered my head completely confused. The woman had been sure that I was the murderer and then, three seconds ago, she seemed to have changed her mind. Why would she change her mind so quickly? It wasn't logic. _

_They seemed to remember I was still present after some minutes of talking between themselves. The man squeezed my shoulder and pulled me so that I was standing. _

"_Don't worry boy. We know you are not the murderer." He said with a little smile. I wouldn't have smiled if I was talking to a kid about her dead mother, but everyone reacted different in delicate situations. I only nodded and started to walk besides him to the exit. "And we have a little surprise for you and your brother. Your grandfather has agreed to take you both to live with him. Isn't that wonderful?"_

"So let me get this straight. They thought you had murdered your mom? "Antonio asked in an angry tone. "_Eso es completamente…"_

"It was logic to arrive to that conclusion. The scene in which they found me pointed to only one thing at first sight. And I didn't say anything against the accusation." I said laughing. "I also didn't behave while I was in the custody of the police. I just gave them more reasons to suspect."

"Why didn't you say something?"

I just looked at him not wanting to answer that question. After all there was a point where darkness could not be defeated with one of his smiles. Maybe another day I would tell him everything I thought during my stay with the police but not now.

The Spaniard looked completely taken off with my acts in the past. He was genuinely confused. The expression in his face made me laugh causing a frown to appear in his face. He was so innocent, so pure, and completely ignorant of the painful things I had lived. How could I stain someone like him by being egoist enough to want him by my side? It was wrong to be telling him all this, but his hand grabbing mine didn't allow me to forget that he had agreed to listen.

I just could hope for the best. I just wanted him not to be afraid of me, not to be terrified by the things I had done, not to be ashamed of having someone like me as a friend. I just could hope for him to understand and stay.

"Where did your grandfather live when all that happened? You didn't mention him before." He asked when he saw I was not going to answer his previous question. He was going to remember it and ask later, of that I was sure. He was just as stubborn as me, in his own damn way.

"My father and he had fought when he told him my mother was pregnant. They were too fucking young and didn't have money. He only visited us once when I was like four years old and he never came back. He would occasionally write letters, but I didn't read them, Feliciano was the one in charge to write back. I hated him." I looked at the window remembering my mom's poisonous words. She had made me hate him for no reason. She was the one who hated him for not approving her marriage to his son. She had used me once again. "It took a long time for the police to find him since we had no contact with him. After they told him what had happened he immediately accepted us in his house."

"_¿Cómo fue la…?"_

"Not in Spanish bastard." I mumbled while biting my lips to stop my laugh. Antonio apologized.

"How was the reunion with your grandfather? I mean, the first time you saw each other after all that time."

"I think the best word to describe it is bittersweet. The old man would agree with me in that. One of the few things we agree with." I said with a smile. "He got a really bad impression of me that damn day."

_I was sitting beside Feliciano watching the policemen walk through the office. We had been there for two hours being completely ignored. Not that Feliciano cared. Of course not. He was just as happy as ever. Why wasn't he affected? Why wasn't he crying or at least showing that he understood what had happened? Why was he such an idiot? Why couldn't I be like him? _

_I closed my fists until my knuckles turned white. My mother's words still wandered in my mind every time my defenses were low. I had to concentrate to erase them for a moment. I couldn't fight them completely but at least until I could be alone again. Alone. Would I be alone? I didn't know where I was going. I didn't know the person who was going to take care of us. Even if he was my grandfather he was a stranger. _

"_Fratello. Fratello. Fratello." Feliciano started to talk to me with his high pitched voice. The voice a little boy would have. "Do you know grandpa? Do you know him? Do you know his age?"_

_Multiple questions were asked and I just remained looking at him with a frown on my face. I didn't know anything. _

"_Lovi, do you know where he lives? Do you know….?"_

"_SHUT UP!" I screamed. _

_Feliciano paled and obeyed immediately. Unfortunately my scream caused all the eyes to land on me. I tried to ignore it and crossed my arms over my chest. Fucking adults that always wanted gossip. _

"_Fratello do you…?"_

"_Didn't you listen? I told you to shut up." I growled to my brother. _

"_But…"_

"_Silence"_

_Thank God he obeyed. I could see Feliciano from the corner of my eyes opening and closing his mouth. He had a troubled expression in his face. He was choosing between obeying his bigger brother or just to keep talking. The second won. As he was opening his mouth to ask another question I stood up. _

"_I'm going to the toilet."_

"_I'm going with you."_

"_No" I hissed. "You will stay here. Waiting."_

"_But I want to go!"_

"_Not now."_

_I started to walk in the direction of the bathroom I had seen when they brought us here but a hand pulled me back. I looked over my shoulder and saw Feliciano grabbing my arm. He looked almost scared and that pleased me in a sick way. He finally understood what was happening. _

"_Let go Feliciano." I mumbled pulling my arm but his grip only tightened. "I said let go!" _

"_No."_

"_I am warning you." I told him in a dark tone. _

"_I won't!" He said pulling hard my arm. _

_The next thing I did was pure reflexes. I pushed Feliciano away with enough force to destabilize him and grabbed his arm twisting it until I had it captured behind his back. He started to cry silently. This position was painful but it wouldn't hurt him. I pressed his arm against his back testing his elasticity, which was good by the way. He whimpered at the movement. _

"_When I tell you to leave me alone, you do it, understood?" I murmured in his ear. He nodded and I let him go with a push. He fell to the ground looking miserable and didn't look up. _

"_What the hell is this?!" _

_The new voice, deep and full of anger, came from my back. I turned quickly with my heart suddenly racing. A man was standing behind me with a fierce expression in his face. He had brown hair like us and a marked Italian accent that I had only heard in my father. His eyes looked from Feliciano in the ground to me. I took a step back when I saw them. They were exactly the same eyes my father had. This man was my grandfather. _

"_I asked a question boy. What the hell is this?" He stepped forward quickly grabbing me from my shoulder. His hands were big and strong. A sharp pain made me grimace when his grip tightened. "Answer."_

"_Nothing" I mumbled taking a step back. The pressure in my shoulder increased. _

"_I don't believe you boy."_

"_Leave Lovi alone!" Feliciano said stepping in between of our grandfather and me. "We were just playing." _

_The man let go of my shoulder and arched an eyebrow. His eyes focused in my little brother for some seconds before smiling. _

"_You look just like your mother." He said ruffling Feliciano's hair. _

"_You won't do anything to Lovi, right?" Feliciano asked looking at his grandfather with pleading eyes. _

"_Of course not." He said with a smile. His eyes moved away from Feliciano and landed on me. "Lovi?"_

"_Lovino" I said immediately. Only Feliciano could call me Lovi. "It is Lovino old man." _

"_Old man? Do I look that old?" He laughed but I didn't smile with his joke. He looked at me one more time before taking Feliciano's hand. "Now Feliciano let's go to your new home."_

"_You know my name!"_

"_Of course I would know my grandson's name! What kind of grandpa would I be if I didn't?" He said starting to walk to the door. "You coming Lovino?"_

"_Don't talk to me as if we were family. I don't know you and you don't know me." I mumbled walking past him. "We can be linked by blood but we are still strangers."_

"You were really rude Lovi." Antonio said.

"I fucking know it."

"But it was understandable." He continued surprising me. "Not because someone is from the family you have to trust in him. That would be stupid and you are not stupid."

"It is a relief to know it" I murmured. Antonio laughed and poked me in the cheek.

"You are just a little bit too closed."

"Your wisdom is showing today Antonio. Maybe you should try going to one of those contests full of little nerds."

"You are so cruel Lovi!" He said laughing. "Maybe I should test your heart to find the kindness hidden inside."

"That was so chees…"

Antonio's lips pressed softly against mine in a quick kiss shutting me up completely. I kissed him back immediately. This made me feel a little bit uneasy. My own body acted on his own when I was with Antonio. Why did I trust Antonio so much? As he said I was not stupid, but trusting him after the little time I had known him WAS something stupid.

"Your stupidity is contagious" I mumbled pushing him away.

"Sometimes being stupid is okay." He said leaning until our foreheads were together. "You don't have to be perfect in front of everyone. At least not in front of me Lovi. _Yo siempre te aceptaré como eres."_

He murmured the last words so softly I almost couldn't hear them, but even if I had he said it in Spanish. I had to learn Spanish. Antonio always said things in his native language and I couldn't understand completely. Yes, Spanish is similar to Italian, but at the same time it was so different.

"Lovi, will you return to FC Royal?" Antonio asked suddenly. "You haven't asked anything about the team."

"I….I don't want to quit, but I don't think Sadiq appreciates my absence."

"He is worried, you know. He asks me every day about your condition. He told me to say to you, and I quote: Get your ass back to the field once you get better."

"So Sadiq-like" I mumbled.

I could perfectly imagine the big man saying those words to Antonio. Sadiq could be a little brusque, okay who am I kidding he was really brusque, and impolite, but he cared. Maybe his way of showing it was strange but he cared.

"I guess I have to obey. I don't want Sadiq coming here. He would scare half hospital to death."

Antonio laughed and nodded at my words. We remained in silence for some seconds. I turned my head to look at the door. I wanted to get out of this fucking white room. I had seen too much white for a life time. I wanted to kick a ball and score. I wanted to run through the football field. I wanted to see my brother smiling. I wanted to see the green of the trees and the blue sky. I wanted to be able to be with Antonio more time outside of these white walls. I wanted so many things.

"Lovino, you must get better quickly." Antonio said taking my hand. "I will be waiting because I have something for you." He kissed the back of my hand while telling me this. "Please, hurry up."

* * *

**Translations**

**Spanish  
**

"_Eso es completamente…" **That is completely...**_

"_¿Cómo fue la…?" **How was it the...?**_

_Yo siempre te aceptaré como eres. **I am always going to accept you as you are. **_

**Once more I must say sorry. I hope you all have a good week :) **

__


	23. Chapter 23

**Okay, first of all, I know I have taken an awful long time to update and I owe you an apology: I am truthfully sorry. I don't know what happened. One day I was starting the chapter and the next thing I know two weeks had passed and I had not written a single word. You can call it an author's block, but I call it the school syndrome. This syndrome is pretty common in high-schoolers that are in their last semester. Yeah, I think that explains everything. Who could have know there were so many papers to fill, things to pay, plus exams and projects? So I must excuse myself if I take a little bit to update, please bear with me a little bit longer. This history is getting close to its final and that is so sad and strange. **  
**I hope you like this chapter! My best wishes for all of you.**

_**Danise Nowak**_

* * *

**_Ch. 23 Recover_**

After a day my room changed to a smaller one near the rehabilitation zone. I thought that meant I was going to go back to my life after that, but it took me another eleven days with eight hours to get my freedom back. During the last days the white color that covered the hospital started to become more tolerable, partly because I spent almost all the time sleeping, and partly, and I am never going to admit it in front of him, because Antonio visited me.

Feliciano and the old man also stayed around, mostly the old man since Feliciano was also an active student. Okay, believe it or not, I really missed school. What kind of masochistic fool would miss school? Well, me. I ended up watching Antonio and Feliciano with envy every time they left.

But there was another problem. Out of the eleven days that I remained in the hospital, seven I couldn't walk completely on my own and the rest I could not walk for too long because got tired after some minutes. The doctor said it was because I was anemic and my muscles were weak. I piss on the stupid muscles. It was so frustrating when my legs started to tremble due to the effort. I swear all the hospital heard my yell of success when I finally managed to walk the entire hall outside of my room.

The last day in the hospital went painfully slow. Dr. Moser came to check me one last time. We hadn't bonded at all during my time in the hospital, but at least we could tolerate each other. His cold fingers traveled through the closing wounds in my chest and then he checked the latest blood analysis. He frowned a little bit.

"You are still underweight. Do me a favor and please open your mouth to eat everything." He said while smashing softly the table that had the results against my head. "Oh God, I pity the world."

"I pity your patients."

"Then you pity yourself."

"Not anymore" I said with a smirk. The doctor smiled.

"That's what I wanted to hear."

Without saying much more he left the room waving carelessly his hand at me. I remained in the white room sitting on the bed and watching the wall. Although I didn't like Dr. Moser I must accept that the "sessions" we had had helped. He was not a tactless person as I had thought; actually he was really careful when choosing what to say or what topics to aboard. He had eased my angst during the first days and I kind of thanked him, but I still hated him.

I stood up slowly testing the feeling in my legs. They still felt so weak but at least I could stand up without them shaking. I walked to the door and looked at the room. Almost two weeks I had been inside of the hospital and, although I wanted so much to go out, I was a little bit frightened with the idea of returning to the real world.

What would everyone ask? What would I say to them? I just couldn't tell the truth. Oh yes, you see, I had a stupid breakdown and nearly killed myself. That would be so fucking wrong and I couldn't do it. Maybe they already knew, after all gossip traveled faster than light. I trembled with the simple idea of facing all those faces again. God everything was such a mess. I had caused such a mess.

I sighed and lowered my head. I had to stop running away, even if my whole body was shaking with fear. I opened the door and stepped out. The soft click of the door closing behind me made my heart beat faster. I was finally going outside. I was finally going to fix everything I had messed up. I just had to walk through the hall and meet with Feliciano and the old man in the reception of the hospital.

But I couldn't. I was frozen in that spot. I could feel the cold sweet slowly going down my neck causing little shivers. I clenched my teeth frustrated. Why was I afraid? Of what was I afraid? I was not going to a strange planet. I was going home.

_But even home is strange for you now. _

"_Fratello!"_

Feliciano's voice made me jump. I raised my eyes and saw him smiling at the end of the hall. He ran and engulfed me in a tight hug. I immediately relaxed at the familiar touch. I could do it because I was not alone. Feliciano seemed to sense some of the distress I was suffering because he took my hand and smiled sweetly.

"Come Lovi, let's go home."

I nodded, not able to pronounce a word, and let him pull me away from the room. We walked in a comfortable silence until we reached the lift. Feliciano pushed the button and we waited.

"Are you going to tell grandpa?"

The sudden question caught me off guard, but at the same time I was expecting something like that from him. I knew perfectly well what I was meant to tell the old man. I didn't look at him afraid of encountering two accusatory eyes, even though I knew Feliciano was never going to look at me like that.

"I don't know."

"He has the right to know."

"Yes, he does."

"Then why not?"

I opened my mouth and then closed it. I had no real excuses; only one stupid one that had always hunted me.

_You are afraid. _

"What if he hates me?" I murmured so quietly that Feliciano had to lean towards me to hear. "I am pretty sure he is going to. Who wouldn't?"

"He is not" Feliciano stated full of confidence. I turned to look at him surprised. He took my hand and squeezed it. "He would never hate you Lovi. He loves you more than you give him credit for."

"But I was the reason….."

"_Fratello." _Feliciano warned me before I could finish my sentence.

"Fuck Feliciano. I don't know what to do." I said exasperated. "On top of that I am gay. I even have a partner. That only makes it worse." I raised my hands to express my frustrating. Feliciano chuckled. "Why are you laughing? It is not fucking funny!"

"It is the first time you call Antonio your partner. If he had heard you he would be jumping with joy."

My face immediately reddened. I stuttered useless excuses while Feliciano only laughed. The sound of the lift opening its doors brought us to the reality. We entered the lift with Feliciano still snickering. I frowned and remained silent.

When the doors opened we were received with the image of our grandfather flirting with a nurse that was by the reception. Feliciano started to laugh while I scoffed. The old man turned to look at us and smiled as if the thing he was doing wasn't so fucking immoral.

"Ready to go Lovino?" He asked. I just nodded. "Then let's go!"

Feliciano took my hand when he saw my hesitation and pulled me, once again, towards the door. He pulled me all the way until we reached the car. I was pushed to the front seat and I understood I had no option but to talk to the old man. I glared at my brother hoping he could understand his death sentence in them. He just smiled innocently.

"Stupid Feliciano" I mumbled.

"What did you say Lovino?" Asked the old man with a smile. I just shook my head and turned my head to watch the street. I had time to talk, but I didn't want to. Feliciano kicked my seat softly. I let a tired sigh out.

"What's the matter Lovino? Are you feeling sick?"

"No" I said diverting my eyes to the blue sky that could be seen from the window. "I need to tell you something."

"I'm listening"

It took me ten minutes to finally start to talk. I never looked at the old man, but from the corner of my eyes I could see his knuckles turn white over the wheel. He remained quiet as I talked and that made me feel extremely nervous. What was he thinking? Did he hate me?

I finished the story still not being able to look at the old man in the eyes. We were near the house; five minutes more and we were going to be in front of the house and he still hadn't talked. The car stopped and no one made a move to step out of it. I watched from one of the lateral mirrors of the car my brother biting his lip and watching, I assumed, the old man. I didn't like his expression. It only encouraged the fear to engulf my heart quicker.

"I…."

"Lovino stay here." The old man said when I tried to find an excuse to flee from the car. "Turn to look at me please."

I froze in my place. I didn't want to see his eyes. Oh God. The eyes were the scariest part of a human because they could fucking show everything. They never lied. I took a deep breath, feeling my heart beating and my hands shake, and turned my head slowly. Two big brown eyes stared at me. They were sad; so full of sadness that I wanted to cry for them. I had never seen the old man with that kind of expression where his lips were trembling, his unshed tears shinning on the edge of his eyes and little and soft wrinkles formed on his forehead. He lifted his hand slowly and even if I had seen his action I couldn't avoid flinching a little when it got close to my cheek.

"I'm sorry Lovino. I'm so sorry." He said. The tears started to fall down his cheeks. I could feel the wet path of my own on my face. "I didn't allow you to explain. I didn't listen, but I won't do that again. I promise."

I nodded silently.

"I'm glad you are back."

After saying those words he opened the door allowing a cold breeze to enter. Feliciano imitated him and then opened my door. He offered his hand and I accepted it reluctantly. Everything was going to be better now, right? The soft squeeze in my hand seemed to answer my unspoken question. I brushed my tears away and closed the door behind me. Feliciano didn't waste his time and proceeded to hug me tightly.

"Let go Feliciano!" I exclaimed pushing him away. "Do you want to kill me? Dammit…."

Even Feliciano, the always gullible boy, heard the joke in my voice.

"You did the right thing there Lovino" He said softly.

"Well, not that I had an option with someone kicking my fucking seat during almost all the trip. You only added more pressure." I said darkly. Feliciano took a step back, but his smile never disappeared. "Don't you dare to do that again."

"But I helped!" He said in a fake hurtful tone. "Without me, he would know nothing for who knows how long."

"I think I am perfectly capable of deciding when I am going to say something."

"Ludwig said that…."

"I don't care what your stupid German friend said." I said bitterly, but even that didn't erase my brother's smile. Honestly, that scared me. It was creepy. "Feliciano, do me a favor and stop smiling. It is so creepy. You look like a fucking clown working in a kid's party."

"But I like smiling" He whined while, I can't understand how, enlarging that awful smile. "Does it bother you?"

"Stop that! You are so weird. How can your lips expand that much?!"

Feliciano opened his mouth to reply, but a voice I knew too well interrupted him.

"Lovi!"

We turned around looking for the person to whom the voice belonged. Antonio was standing three streets away from our house waving his hand to us. How on hell did we hear his voice? He was so far away, but again, nothing was normal with that bastard. The fight about Feliciano's creepy smile was forgotten and instead we waited for Antonio to arrive.

"So, now that you have started to talk….." Feliciano started innocently.

"Yeah?"

"When are you going to tell grandpa about you and Antonio?"

"Don't push it Feliciano…." I mumbled causing him to laugh. "Don't fucking push it anymore."


	24. Chapter 24

**Hello! I know I had been taking a lot of time to update and I am so sorry. Suddenly schoolwork accumulated with exams and I had a little mental breakdown because I have less than 7 weeks to finish High School. Yeah. 7 weeks. Anyways, this chapter is not so long because after that final sentence I didn't feel like something else could be written so...here it is. Enjoy :) **

_**Danise Nowak**_

* * *

_**Ch. 24 The Return**_

I was facing one of the most important moments of my life: returning to the FC Royal after three weeks of absence. Right now I was standing on the street while looking at the big sign that indicated the entrance to the FC Royal fields. The familiar letters and colors only made me more nervous. I still didn't have an excuse for my absence.

It was quite obvious that everyone was going to know that I had been in the hospital. Now, the challenge was in creating a good enough story to explain the situation. But what could I say? That I fell? No, too obvious it hadn't happened since I didn't look injured. That I had a disease that affected my health? No, they had been around me enough time to realize I hadn't had any problem before. The truth? Of fucking course not! I was not an idiot to simply expose my stupid weakness to everyone.

Because I was thinking of some kind of credible story I didn't notice the danger approaching until it was too late. I received a sudden tackle from the only stupid person, besides Antonio, who had the nerve to touch me so informally. Gilbert Beilschmidt. The stupidest albino monkey of the world. The sudden hit almost made me fall. If the dumbass that had just tackled me hadn't grabbed me, I would have been another smashed ant on the pavement.

"What the hell stupid German!" I shouted.

Gilbert laughed with his dumb laugh that sounded as the hiss of a snake. Next to him was Francis, with his long blonde hair and his pervert eyes scanning me. I glared at him and he only smiled apologetic.

"The little _Italiener_ still has his loud mouth!" Gilbert said putting a hand on my shoulder. He was talking to Francis as if I was somewhere else. Bastard. I started to open my mouth with all the intentions of biting him, but Francis quickly grabbed his friend's hand and pulled it off my shoulder.

"Gilbert, it is not polite to tackle people. _C'est pas correct mon ami._ " Francis said. Gilbert just shrugged off his words and turned to look at me.

"Ready to face Sadiq _Blag?_ Because he has been waiting for you" He leaned towards me with a smirk in his lips. "And he is not known for being a patient man, you know."

Immediately after saying those words he jumped away from the fist I had swung in his direction and ran while laughing hysterically.

"_Imbecille _German" I muttered. I heard Francis laughing besides me. I realized the strange fact that he hadn't left with his friend. "What do you want Francis? If you want to talk just fucking do it."

"Such a mouth" Francis whined, but immediately turned his expression to one full of concern. "Are you sure you are ready to play?"

"Why do you ask?" I looked at him suspiciously. He bit his lip.

"_Antoine m'a dit à propos de ton état, et….." _

"What? Why do Antonio and his strange band of friends always tend to talk in another language that I don't know? Only stupid people think others will understand."

"I know about your legs Lovino." Francis interrupted my rambling successfully shutting me up. My eyes widened alarmed with his words. Why did he….? Oh. Right. He was Antonio's friend. Of course he would know, but that didn't mean it was fucking right! I had a pending talk with the Spanish bastard.

"Please don't be angry with Antonio." Francis said quickly after realizing what my silence meant. "He begged us not to mention it."

"Then why did you do it? What a great friend frenchie."

"Because I don't want to see him dying of worry if something happens." Francis said frowning. "You have to realize it is not only you anymore. _Deux personnes, deux coeurs. _The double of trouble. Just be careful for him, _s'il te plaît." _

"Don't tell me what to do." I mumbled lowering my head. I could feel my cheeks reddening at the implication of Francis' words. He cared. Antonio cared till the point where his own friends were worried. "I have to hurry."

I started to run forgetting completely about the fake excuse I had to give the team. I had to do two important things that almost counted as one. Both, Gilbert and Antonio, were not going to repeat the same mistakes. I was going to make sure of that.

I arrived to the changing room where almost all the team was, and my eyes searched for the two bastards. Of course this simple activity proved to be much more difficult because, as I was scanning the room, all the heads turned to look at me. Some eyes were full of surprise, some with happiness and some with disbelief, but that was not the catastrophic part, because after almost five seconds of staring several of the idiots that were reunited there rushed towards me with questions flowing out of their mouths. Little by little I started to get surrounded with bodies and I couldn't see anymore.

"Where were you Lovino?"

"Vargas, after so long."

"I thought you had quit."

I tried to look around even with all those annoying bugs surrounding me. Finally, I saw a flash of white hair. Close to end of the lockers' hall Antonio and Gilbert were talking to each other. Gilbert was telling something idiotic to the Spaniard, because Antonio was laughing, and what else could make that bastard laugh? My eyes met his green ones and he immediately stopped laughing. Gilbert turned to look at whatever had caused the sudden seriousness in his friend's face. I swear he paled when he saw me and I smirked. Before I could take a step towards them, Gilbert said goodbye to Antonio and disappeared.

"Damn" I cursed under my breath. My chance was gone now.

"Hey! Let Lovi breathe. Come on guys. He just arrived."

Antonio's voice seemed to knock some reason into our fellows because they backed up, or maybe it was the sinister smile in his face, who knows? He passed his arm around my shoulders and told everyone we needed to go outside or Sadiq would be angry. No one argued with him. Sadiq was so fucking scary when angry.

Once we were alone he hugged me and I tried to repress a tiny squeak that left my lips. Maybe he had missed me, but for god's sake, couldn't he hug with less force? I couldn't breathe. I punched him in the chest and separated our bodies finally getting some air in my lungs. I think my glare told him everything words couldn't.

"I am sorry Lovi. I just missed you so much!" He said with a stupid smile.

"You are going to be charged with my murder bastard! "I said indignantly. "That was a boa constrictor's hug."

He smiled and took my hand gently. I ignored the puppy eyes that begged for forgiveness. I had to be strong and resist his stupid charms. I was not Lovino Vargas for nothing.

"Not going to happen. Search for another strategy." I said after some seconds.

"So mean Lovi." He sighed sitting on one of the benches that were in the middle of the hall. "How are you feeling?"

The sudden change in his voice made me turn to look at him. His eyes were full of concern as they scanned my legs. I just waved my hand as if I was blowing away the problem and smirked.

"I am at my best" I said. "I could run ten kilometers straight and feel nothing."

"I doubt that."

"What!" I asked incredulously. "I can prove it to you bastard."

"Lovi" He scolded me with a glare. I closed my mouth and turned to look at my feet. It was the same fucking glare he gave me in the hospital whenever I didn't want to take some medicine or didn't do something the doctor said. I just couldn't stop the feeling of embarrassment and guilt that glare caused.

"Okay, maybe not ten kilometers now, but I will." I mumbled. I hated when he pulled off that strategy because I felt like a five year old being reprehended.

"I am sure you will" He said pressing his lips to mine.

Okay, let's get one thing clear. Just because Antonio, the stupid Spanish bastard, had the habit of kissing me almost every-fucking-time he saw me, didn't mean I was used to it. I always froze for five seconds before relaxing. My stillness had confused Antonio several times until the point of making him beg for forgiveness. It was hilarious, but in the end I had to tell him it was not his fault. Since that moment he just ignored the freezing state and waited until I was comfortable enough to continue.

I hated that he could reduce me into that state where I would just freeze and then do things I would normally be ashamed of. For example now; kissing in the changing rooms where anyone could get in at any moment. He reduced me until the state where I just didn't care about that important detail.

That is the reason why right now I was kissing him back; engrossed in a battle between tongues to get the control of the mouth of the other. I could taste the cinnamon and the sugar in his mouth of, most likely, the churro he had eaten. I smiled with the idea of him eating a churro. Unfortunately that caused me to lose the battle. I felt Antonio's smirk against my lips and then his hand pushing me so that I was lying on the bench. Suddenly he was over me, pressing his body to mine, sharing his heat and kissing me senseless. I could feel my cheeks reddening more, but I didn't push him away. I fucking wanted it to continue, but, as everything good in this life, it ended.

"Whoa! This is a changing room, not a bedroom."

Gilbert Beilschmidt's voice made me jump. I pushed Antonio away and didn't look up completely ashamed. Then, little by little, the shame turned into anger. It was the second time in a day that the fucking German had startled me. I lifted my head ready to snap at the stupid Beilschmidt, but after seeing Antonio I forgot what I wanted to do. For the first time of my life I was seeing Antonio Fernández Carriendo look at his friend as if he wanted to kill him.

Gilbert cringed with fear sensing the murderous atmosphere around his friend.

"Sadiq wants to see you two outside now" I said as quickly as he could and fled from our sight.

"We don't have to go, right?" Antonio said turning to look at me with pleading eyes. I was about to open my mouth when we heard Him.

"Vargas and Carriedo, if you are not outside in five seconds I swear you are going to regret it!"

The distinct voice of Sadiq Adnan made us get up in an instant and run as fast as we could. As we ran for our lives, I couldn't stop thinking about what I was going to say to Antonio's question minutes ago. Yes. I was going to say yes. A shiver traveled through my body when I realized the implications of that answer. Yes, Antonio Fernández Carriedo was dangerous.

* * *

**Translations**

**Spanish**

___Vamos, un poco de espacio. **Come on, a little space **_  


_Nos podemos quedar aquí **We can stay here **_

**Italian**

___Imbecille _ **Moron, fool, stupid, etc...**

**German**

_Little Italiener **Little Italian**_

___Blag **Brat **_

_____Mein Gott **Oh God/My God **_

**French **

_C'est pas correct mon ami. ** It is not right my friend **_

___Antoine m'a dit à propos de ton état, et….." **Antonio told me about your condition and...**_

_____Deux personnes, deux coeurs. **Two persons, two hearts. **_

_______s'il te plaît **Please **_

**Some of the words are really easy to understand, but I put them just in case. I excuse myself if my German (although it is minimum in this chapter) and my French are incorrect. I am not an expert; I am just studying them and make mistakes as everyone. I don't excuse myself for the Spanish since I know it is correct. Perks of having it as mother tongue :) Anyway, feel welcome to tell me if any mistake is found. Have a good...uggh...common, normal day/night? **


	25. Chapter 25

**Once again I have to apologize because I took too long to update. I am really sorry, and I know I am going to sound as if I am only giving excuses, but, oh well. I had the usual week of exams, plus an extra exam that the government imposes to the entire country, plus projects, plus birthdays, plus one of my graduation ceremonies. In resume, everything piled up. **

**I reuploaded chapter 24 because I had some little mistakes and since I don't like to have a text that is written in a wrong way I changed it. :) **

**I do not promise to have ready another chapter for the next week, but maybe in two? I don't know. It depends on the amount of schoolwork I have. **

**Well that's all I have to say. Enjoy! **

_**Danise Nowak **_

* * *

_**Ch. 25 Do you take the chance?**_

Few things were scarier than the face of Sadiq Adnan when he was angry. The man had this special effect of looking taller, bigger, and meaner. Add up to that the intense stare of his two greenish eyes that could stab you over and over again with an invisible knife. A shiver traveled through my entire body as I was pierced with those eyes.

_I am dead. _

Antonio was not anymore at my side because Sadiq had ordered, more like barked, him to go to the field. He had wavered a little bit before squeezing my hand and sending a dark glare to his coach. One fucking hand squeeze was not enough support for the hellish eyes that were before me.

"So you have returned, Vargas"

I nodded feeling a knot in my throat. How was it possible for one man to cause such a big amount of fear? Stupid coach of the size of a fucking elephant.

"Cat ate your tongue? I want to hear you speak." Sadiq said in a harsh tone.

I did not say anything. Sadiq did not have to hear my pathetic trembling voice. If he did, I was going to be mocked for months and months. Obviously my actions were not what he was expecting because he put his hand on my shoulder and pulled me with so much force that I almost tripped.

I bit my lower lip and tried to follow the long steps of Sadiq. His grip was tightening as we approached the field where all the others were practicing. As soon as I saw them, I forgot of Sadiq and concentrated in watching them.

The team was divided in three. A group was practicing their shots as the goalkeeper tried to stop them from making a point. Another group was practicing the control over the ball by passing different obstacles. The last group was practicing offense and defense. One player was defending another that tried to pass through his defense.

"Do you see what they are doing?"

Sadiq's voice startled me when I heard it next to my right ear. He was bending over me watching his players practice with a proud expression. Then he turned towards me and the nice expression he had had in his face disappeared.

_He is angrier than I thought._

I cursed Antonio in my head for he had said to me, or at least had intended to mean, that Sadiq WANTED me to return, but right now it didn't seem like it. The coach did not look like someone ready to forgive more than two weeks of absence nor an injured player. Well, I already knew that I had no luck in this world. Maybe this meant that football was not for me. Maybe it was a signal for me to stop playing. Yeah, that must be.

"Tell me Vargas, what do you see?"

I fixed my eyes on the field without really looking at the players. I did not want to look at Sadiq because right now I was not strong enough to face him. I was too drained. I could be outside of that damn hospital, but that did not mean that I was entirely recovered, at least not emotionally.

"Football" I mumbled.

"What? I did not hear."

"Football" I repeated clenching my teeth with frustration. What did Sadiq want? Why was he asking me stupid questions?

"Wrong, Vargas." He said. "These are players training to play football. Nothing else. And how much time do you think a player needs to train to be able to play?"

"I don't know"

"Months, Vargas, months for a single game." Sadiq trapped my eyes in his own before continuing. "What is one of the most important things in a team, Vargas? Teamwork." He didn't wait for me to answer for he had seen I was not going to answer. "How do you think everyone felt when you suddenly stopped coming without giving a reason? Abandoned. Do you understand the consequences of your actions?"

"I do"

"Even so, they trust you, so don't even dare to do that again. Understood, Vargas?"

I nodded not knowing what to say to that. I heard Sadiq sighing and removing his hand form my shoulder. I raised my face slowly curious of why he had let me go. Sadiq had his eyes closed with his arms folded over his chest. He looked almost peaceful, but that image shattered two seconds after when he opened his eyes and a smirk formed in his mouth. I knew that expression and it never came with good news.

"You are not going to play in any game until you have achieved the level I want."

_What…?_

"And what level is that?"

"You do not need to know." Sadiq said. "Also, you will have to stay another one hour after the usual practice."

"Another hour?!"

"You have any complains? Because if you do, you can start considering yourself out of the FC Royal."

"What the hell!" I exclaimed suddenly really angry. "That's called child exploitation! You abusive bas…."

I closed my mouth before the last word could come out. My eyes widened and I looked to the surprised face of my coach. What the hell was I thinking? No, I was not fucking thinking. I was about to call Sadiq Adnan, that biggest man I had ever known and the one that was accepting me again in his team, a fucking bastard. That stupid misstep could cause my ruin, again. Why couldn't I keep my mouth shut?

"I mean….I….I am…." I started to stutter seconds later trying to apologize for my sudden stupid reaction, but, as I have never said sorry formally, the words did not form in my mouth.

After some seconds of me stuttering and feeling my cheeks burn with embarrassment I heard his laugh. It started softly and then I heard the loudest laugh I have ever heard in my life. It surprised me to the point of making me shut up and stare at the man I had in front as if he was a madman.

"There you are; the Lovino Vargas that I cannot tolerate." He said between laughs. "So what do you say, Vargas?"

_Was that a compliment? Not likely. _

"I…I…what the hell!" I mumbled shaking my head. "Of course I accept, only an idiot would let this chance pass."

"Then it is great you are not an idiot. Now go to the changing room and put your uniform on. What the hell were you doing there before I called you?"

My cheeks turned instantly red when I remembered what I had been doing in the changing room. The memory of Antonio kissing me senseless made my stomach turn with a pleasant feeling, but I couldn't be thinking, or more like couldn't allow me to think, about that unless I wanted the coach to know or suspect.

"I was assaulted with multiple stupid questions by everyone." I said quickly, almost too quickly.

Sadiq raised one eyebrow to show me he did not believe me but shrugged it away anyways. I took that pause to run to the bathroom and change my clothes. As I was putting on my socks Feliciano's, damn my brother, words returned to my head.

_When are you going to tell grandpa about you and Antonio?_

Telling the old man that I was gay AND dating someone was going to take every bit of courage my body had. And of course, telling the old man meant public demonstrations of love, mostly from Antonio. If he started kissing me or hugging me in front of people I would have to tell, not only my grandfather, but the entire team, Sadiq, the school community and the curious people that always approached when there were interesting news.

I don't think I am ready for that.

I do not like having a lot of attention on me. Everyone that knew me could tell that, but I did not want to keep hiding everything. I knew that the sudden attention was going to disappear after some days, even hours if it was well managed, but I couldn't stop feeling anxious. Was I going to be able to endure it? After all, I was not the most sociable, kind or patient person in the planet.

"Worried about your training, Vargas?" Sadiq asked once I was outside again.

"Of course not!" I exclaimed pushing my thoughts to the back of my mind.

"Yeah, sure." Sadiq said with a smirk. "Come on, Vargas, you don't have time to rest. Go and run five laps and then meet me at the benches."

I opened my eyes feeling my complaints almost in the tip of my tongue, but I refrained from speaking them aloud. The stupid smirk in Sadiq's face stopped me. If I talked I would have to tolerate the mockery from the man, and, fuck no, I was not going to become his laughing material because of five miserable laps.

To say I felt like an amoeba after the extra hour was not even close to how I felt. My legs trembled at every step I took. I even didn't have the strength to raise my face when Sadiq pocked me. He laughed of me, so my effort to avoid being his laughing material was useless, and told me: "You better be prepared for tomorrow." With the stupid arrogant voice he always used with me.

If running the length of the field almost 10 times, 3 series of abdominals, multiple exercises of ball control, plus the usual training session, was only the beginning as Sadiq had said, I don't know how I was going to survive the next sessions. I hadn't done anything during almost three weeks and the sudden pace was going to kill me. Of that I was sure.

"I feel like a horse after working twenty hours straight." I said as I opened the door to the showers. It was the first time I was going to use them. Normally I was disgusted with the idea of using them because, come one, EVERYONE used them, and who knows what they were carrying on their sweaty bodies? But today; today I was death. I just wanted to take out all the dirt from my body, relax and sleep. Even the cold floor of the shower was tempting to do it.

I put my body under the hot water and watched as the vapor filled the shower. I thanked that there was no one here, because another of the things I hated was that the showers were communal. I was too shy to show my body and I, absolutely, didn't want to see the body of the others. Maybe, more like it was the main reason, the fact that my body was covered with scars was an important factor to hide my body from everyone.

Little by little my limbs relaxed with the hot water and my immobility. Suddenly I felt so sleepy that I slowly slid down with my back resting on the wall and sat on the floor with my eyes closed and the water hitting softly my head.

"I want to sleep." I mumbled without opening my eyes.

"I don't think sleeping there is a good idea."

My eyes opened immediately after hearing that voice. I jumped and tried to stand up, but slipped with the damn wet floor. Two strong arms caught me before I could hit the ground. Oh fuck. Of all the persons that could be there, why him? And I was naked Jesus Christ!

I hid my face on Antonio's shoulders without knowing what to do. If I pushed him away he was going to see me in all my glory, and I could feel his hands on my naked body, his breathing in my neck, his heart pounding quickly in his chest, his fingers that were cold but felt so nice against my warm skin; his whole presence was so soothing and….

_What the hell?!_

I was not supposed to be thinking that. I was naked! In. Front. Of. Him. My heart started to beat faster than before when the full realization hit me. Antonio's arms got rigid suddenly as if he had also realized in what situation he was.

"I…thinkyoushouldgetdressed" He said quickly but without letting me go.

I nodded but didn't move away from him. Maybe we were both shocked or, maybe, we didn't want to let go.

"Sorry for walking in so suddenly. I should have asked first." He said softly against my hair. I felt his nose smelling my hair; a habit he had.

"The room is not mine. You can run around if you want" I said quietly. I then realized that he was still with his clothes on. "Bastard, now your clothes are wet."

"It doesn't matter" He said with a chuckle. "But I better change them before I catch a cold."

Antonio's arms released me and he turned giving me a nice view of his wet back. Even when he had his back to me, I could see his red cheeks. I was not the only nervous and embarrassed man in the room.

"I'll wait outside."

I stood there for a minute trying to understand what had happened. Antonio had seen me naked. Naked. _Naked. _NAKED.

"For God's sake." I mumbled. I turned the water off and grabbed the towel that I had left hanging in the wall before me. "I am definitely going to die one of these days because of him."

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**No translations in this chapter. **

**As always any mistake you find, please let me know. **

**Have a nice week. :D**


	26. Chapter 26

**Hello there. Okay, this time I have a legit excuse for taking so long to update. I just finished High School (*sob* *sob* because College is next ) and I had two graduating ceremonies, the signing of the High School certificate, final exams, stress, etc. My inspiration was 0 (and my time) with all that going on around me. I decided to update before my grandma's birthday, because, as expected, I am not going to have time in the next days (She's turning 60!). At this point I am sure there are only two more chapters coming and then the end. I can't believe I had been writing this for almost for a year (or more? I have not checked the date). Who could have guessed? I hope everyone enjoys this chapter! My greetings!**

_******Danise Nowak**_

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**Ch. 26 Frustration**

Three long and torturous months have passed since I had started with Sadiq's stupid training. Three fucking months of being exploited like an animal. Three months that-now I could see-were necessary. At the beginning running five times the field killed me, now I ran them with ease.

Even so, it was not easy. The extra hours were like a torture because I was not only exploited physically, but also emotionally. I had to endure all the harsh words that came out of Sadiq's mouth. Don't get me wrong; he never had really cared when he said harsh things and I could brush him off with ease because I knew it was part of his character and he could say them to anyone, but now those words were directed towards me, and only me. I have not rebuilt completely my self-esteem so the impact of his stupid words was worse than I could let the others see.

And it was not only from Safiq that I received blows, my team also contributed. Obviously I was more tired than them everyday, at least at the beginning, so my stamina was not the best or the one they wanted and they didn't waste the time to let me know about their opinions.

"Run faster, Vargas. Even a kid can run faster."

"I can't believe we considered you as someone important for the team."

"I don't want Vargas in my team. He doesn't know the tactics and ruins everything."

They were simple words. They were the truth and I knew it. It was obvious that I was more tired for I had an extra practice and slept less. It was logic that I didn't know the tactics because Sadiq didn't let me stay when he explained them. It was noticeable that I had lost some of my agility after my stay in the hospital. But no one seemed to care and I didn't try to defend myself. I ready knew I had failed them before and I deserved the treatment.

That didn't mean it was easy. In fact, with the treatment of my teammates and Sadiq's mixed together I reached my limit plenty of times. No one ever knew about it because I have always been an expert to hide my weakness. Not even Antonio knew of those times.

And right now, I was having one of those break downs.

I was standing in the FC Royal's showers under the cold water with my clothes still on in a weak attempt to cool my temper. I was grabbing my left hand because I had hit several times the rough wall and managed to wound it. My knuckles were bleeding a little and a bruise was starting to form over the whitish skin of my hand.

My eyes were closed and tears were falling from them; I could feel them forming, but they ended up mixing with the shower's water and turning invisible to anyone's eyes. I took deep breaths every three of four minutes to calm myself, but I could feel the frustration and the anger still present in my chest. Every second it was more difficult to breathe and the tightness around my heart was only increasing. That's why I was currently crying.

Because of the hour-almost two hours after the official practice had finished-there was no one around and the only light on was the one of the showers. I liked to leave only that light on because seeing all the changing rooms illuminated only made me feel lonely and the knowledge that I was being excluded from the team that I liked turned into a wave of sadness. However, I couldn't say I was completely alone, since there was always a stupid person that liked to wait for me. I have never understood why he stayed when the comfort of his house was waiting for him. He was an idiot; my boyfriend, but still an idiot.

"Lovi? Are you there?" I did not answer hoping for him to give up and leave, but it is of Antonio that we are talking about and he would never do that." I know you are here. Are you still in the shower?"

_No, Antonio, the water decided to fall in the showers just because. Or better, a scary phantom wanted to take a shower because he felt dirty. _

I kept my sarcastic thoughts in my head and nodded, but then I realized he could not see me.

"Mmhhmmm" I mumbled not trusting my voice in this moment. The Spaniard had an incredible capability to hear any flaw in the way my voice sounded.

"You haven't finished? It's getting late."

I didn't answer because suddenly I felt really irritated with Antonio. Couldn't he get the idea that I wanted to be alone in the shower where I could take out all my frustrations? Couldn't he understand that simple thing? Apparently no.

"Lovi?"

This time I heard his voice nearer; in fact, I knew the stupid Spaniard was taking a peek from the door that was the access to the showers. Antonio had acquired the peculiar-and pretty crazy- habit of looking at me when I was bathing. It freaked me out at the beginning, but as time passed I started to ignore him; that did not mean that I did not call him a pervert every time I caught him doing it. Right now I just remained calm; he already had seen me completely naked once and I was not naked in this moment, so why should I care?

"Lovino, are you okay?"

He was worried. He only used my full name and forgot the stupid nickname he loved to use when he was worried. I opened my mouth and tried to produce a decent voice.

"Yeah, I am fine."

"Liar" Antonio said and I heard his feet splashing in the water. He didn't have his shoes on. "I can see the blood mixed with the water and you are not naked; something that is usually required when you take a bath. What happened?"

I didn't have time to answer-not that I was going to say the real reason- because he took my injured hand and his fingers explored the wounded knuckles. His skin felt warm in contrast of my cold body that was receiving a constant flow of freezing water. I shivered and grimaced when he touched a particular sensitive area of the wound.

"It's nothing. They will heal in two or three days." I explained opening my eyes. His green eyes stared at me full of anger because we both knew I was lying.

"It IS something, Lovi. We have discussed this a hundred times. Don't try to minimize the importance of the things that are related to you." He kissed my knuckles and hugged me. I leaned towards his body as a reaction. "How did you acquire those wounds?"

"I hit a wall."

"You surprise me more each day, Lovi." He chuckled and then sighed. " Now tell me, why would you hit a wall?"

Suddenly I realized where we were and the scene that had started the peeking sessions came to my mind. I was not naked this time, but, for God's sake, why did he have to interrupt me when I was inside of a shower? He was a fucking pervert. I pushed him and took two steps back to create a distance between us.

"Just because."

He did not say anything, but took a step towards me with a frown in his temple and reached for my healthy hand. His grip was stronger than it had appeared because I could not shake him off.

"_Di la verdad,_ Lovi."

"I hate when you speak in Spanish."

A step back and a step forward. The only sounds that could be heard were the sound of the water hitting the floor and the splashes that our feet caused when we moved. Now Antonio was again near me and the distance I had managed to create disappeared. I took a step back and felt my body hitting the wall. I had no escape.

"_No es cierto._ You love it."

I sighed knowing I was not going to be able to skip the question-or escape from him-, so I clenched my teeth and let Antonio's arms snake around my waist.

"I am frustrated with everything." I said looking at my bloody hand. "But I can endure it. I have endured it until now; I know I can do it for a little bit more."

"Why didn't you say that to me?" He asked kissing my temple gently, but I could feel how his body tensed. "I could have helped you."

"I have to fight my own battles, Tonio. I decided to continue playing football, so I will accept the consequences of my decision."

"And that's why you cry alone in a shower, and hit walls?" He asked skeptically while leaning over me so that our bodies could touch each other. "I am your boyfriend, Lovi. I think you can talk with me at least."

I became stiff after he said that. He was right. When I accepted him as my boyfriend, I kind of accepted that I could trust him. Shutting up about something as trivial as the frustration that I had in the practice was only showing that I didn't fully trusted him. I was being stupid; again.

"I…..I…" I mumbled placing my hand at each side of his face to make him stare at me and only me. "I tend to forget that I have you there, bastard. I..." The words failed me and I lowered my eyes ashamed.

"You are not used to have someone so close?"

I nodded slowly. It was not easy to accept those words. It meant that if Antonio hadn't appeared I would be alone. It meant that I was accepting I was a lonely person that did not know how to talk and act around people.

He remained quiet for a moment but then his expression changed completely. He smirked and hugged me tightly pressing me against the wall. I did not complain because I had missed Antonio's heat, even if I did not show I had. We had not had a lot of time to be together, so these moments were as rare as a blue elephant walking on the street. The way he was looking at me made me have goosebumps and my body suddenly was full of nervousness. Was that lust in his eyes?

"Then I just have to remind you that I am here, _siempre a tu lado, mi amor._"

And he kissed me.

I noticed immediately that it was not a normal kiss. It had more insistence, more passion; it was better. That scared me. Why was Antonio suddenly doing something like that? Was he angry because I had not told him everything? Was he just playing with me? My thoughts made me stop in the middle of the kiss and I pushed him weakly.

"Why?" I asked without looking at him.

I felt his hands on my cheeks, warm and strong, and the next thing I knew he had kissed again my lips, but this time in a soft and gently way. I knew he had kissed me so that my eyes could turn to look at him, and it worked. The bastard knew me well.

"Lovino" He said softly. "I don't know if you have listened to me when I tell you these words, but I want you to listen this time." He hugged me and rested his head on my shoulder. "I love you, Lovi."

I didn't know what to say. I just remained still in Antonio's arms while cold water made our clothes cling to our body. I have heard every single time he had pronounced those words. It always hurt, because I was not capable of saying them to him. The words, those three simple words, were always stuck in my throat. Maybe this time I could say them. I opened my mouth, full of hope, with the words on the tip of my tongue.

"I….I..l.."

I could only stutter. It was always the same. I closed my eyes frustrated and lay my head on Antonio's chest. His hands caressed my back to try to comfort me, but I was angry with myself. I felt miserable, I felt a failure, I felt I was not going to be able to resist for much longer.

"Lovi, why did you hit the wall?"

I sighed.

"Frustration."

"From what?"

"Everything"

"I need more words, Lovi" He sang. "I can't understand with one-word answers."

"You are so stupid!" I exclaimed pushing him again, but this time with all my strength. He almost fell because of my sudden attack, but managed to remain standing. I was glaring daggers with my eyes as all the frustration suddenly made me want to ventilate everything on him. "You must be the stupidest person in the world!"

"Lovi? What…?"

"The dumb Antonio did not notice how his teammates were harassing his boyfriend." I said with a voice full of anger. "He did not notice the way his coach screamed every mistake his boyfriend made so that the entire team could laugh and he was nowhere around to say something."

I looked at him. Antonio was standing in complete silence before me with a guilty expression on his face. He opened his mouth to say something but closed it after two seconds. He knew. He fucking knew everything. I had expected that, but his silence also told me that he had rejected the opportunities to help me or at least defend me. I was such a moron.

I laughed bitterly and turned the water off.

"But I guess you already knew." I muttered as I passed him. "I am going home."

I changed my wet clothes for the dry ones I had in my bag and got out of the changing rooms without looking back at the silent figure that had followed me outside of the showers but had remained inside of the building. I shivered when the wind hit my face and a few cold drops of water from my wet hair fell on my face; after all I had not dried myself perfectly because I just wanted to get out of there.

"Vargas!"

_Today is not my day._ That's what I thought when I saw Sadiq walking towards me. I just frowned, as I always did when I was near him, and waited there because no way in hell I was going to walk and meet him. He was the one calling me, so he was the one that had to walk.

"What?"

"You should fix that temper of yours, eh?" He said copying my frown.

"What do you want?"

"You will play in the next game, grumpy."

"What?"

I looked surprised at Sadiq. Playing in the next game? Hadn't he said that I was not going to play until he…? Oh God. Was he saying to me-in quite an indirect way-that he approved of my development? Was I good enough now?

"Don't get cocky kid. I will consider your teammates opinions to decide if you can finally join the team or not."

Magnificent words to destroy all the joy his previous statement had caused. My teammates, hmmm? Well, God be dammed, I was not going to join the team in quite a long time.

"Don't mess up things, Vargas" Sadiq said ruffling my hair. "Wet hair is bad for health, stupid kid. Go home and dry it."

"Yeah, yeah." I said pushing away his hand.

"Feeling down? Did you have a love quarrel?"

He was joking. I could tell that from the way he was talking and the idiotic wink he threw to me, but still it was exactly what had happened. Sometimes life likes to conspire against you, even if it means using someone's words to hit you where it hurts. Love quarrel? No, more like a betrayal.

"As if" I mumbled and started to walk.

"See you tomorrow, Vargas!" Sadiq screamed between laughs. Sincerely, I didn't understand why he was laughing. I had not told him anything funny, nor done anything that could be considered funny. Sadiq was just a green fish between golden fish. Something that was so estrange that could not be categorized.

_A love quarrel. _

I shook my head and kicked a rock that was on the street. When had I become so careless and stupid?

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**Translations**

**Spanish**

_Di la verdad,_ Lovi. **Tell the truth, Lovi. **

_No es cierto. _ **That's not true. **

_Siempre a tu lado, mi amor. _ **Always by your side, my love. _  
_**


End file.
